How Does A Needy Man Attract a Woman?

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Desire and need seems to be a central part of my personality. I function quite well in the world but in the vicinity of my Isadora a great hunger grows in the core of my being.
She is most attracted to me when I threaten to leave our marriage. This is not a good situation.

Comments

The guys on the forums

say that women sometimes perceive desire as needy and weak, and I guess when you pull away that registers as "strength."

You're right. It's an ugly game.

How are the daily bonding behaviors going? If they're casual and not needy, and almost daily, they can sometimes bring that "game" to an end and let her feel authentic desire.

DBB's

You know my Izzy feels trapped when she agrees to an agenda of this sort. BUT it's going pretty well. She's invited me to her bed several times in the morning (I am very enthusiastic about this) and welcomed me in the evening, more often than not, when I ask. I've really focused on that old knight legend chivalry stuff. She is my unobtainable queen, not my wife meant to please me. So I am thankful for every gift. It's a HUGE challenge for me to relax and not try to create an agenda that guarantees success. I say, with pride (gawd that's a set-up), that I'm getting better at appreciating what I have, and not feeling hurt and rejected when I don't get more.
I found a file of porn pictures on my computer yesterday afternoon. It's been a couple of months since I've sought out porn. I scrolled through the 400+ thumbnails, "I remember that one. Oh, she's beautiful." It took a few minutes and then I deleted the bunch. Part of the problem with porn for me was not that my Izzy's body no longer matches the photos, rather looking at porn created in me the longing to be with a woman who wants to have sex. Because, for me, besides the dope rush, they are selling that illusion, "This beautiful woman wants, and is ready, to have sex, even with you!"

Last night's dialogue:
Would you enjoy some cuddling tonight?
"Briefly" as she puts her book down
With gratitude I get into her bed. The night is cool, so I fit my body to hers for maximum contact. "So I've been working really hard to change the way we have sex."
"I don't want to get heavy." her typical response to conversations about my feelings (which have most often been just bitching about how I don't get what I want and deserve. not feelings)
"Yeah, yeah, simple, I don't want to make any point. I'll just ask a question if I don't understand".
"I like it that you're not bugging me all the time"
"Cool, you're not feeling so hassled, nice." And I shut up, kissed her ("You already kissed me goodnight" "Yeah, but I really like kissing you") and went to my bed. The Devil was whispering, not yelling, "Well it ain't so great for me. I'm doing all the work in this relationship and I ain't even gettin' laid anymore."
yeah shut up.

Ya know, I'm getting long in

Ya know, I'm getting long in the tooth and getting to the place of just being damn thankful for what I have. We cuddle when we can and fuck before I leave for few days of work out of town. I find peace and deep satisfaction having orgasmic sex with Izzy. Cuddling 5-6 times a week and sex 1-2 times month is ok. Izzy is not a warm cuddly person. If she agrees to sex, then I can make it last up to 20 minutes! Karezza? Probably not, less stress sure is nice. Thank you, Maria for holding this space. I grieve with you and Gary for the loss of Harbin Hot Springs. It was a magical place. We shall call it Phoenix.

Glad you have a workable compromise

Relationships are so precious that it's a shame to throw them away over a lack of perfection.

It's my understanding that Harbin has burned to the ground more than once, so it will indeed be reborn. But it must be terribly unsettling for the residents.

I'm sorry. This may sound f

I'm sorry. This may sound f*cked up, and maybe I shouldn't be giving advice to someone married so long..

Have you tried not giving her what she wants? Next time she asks if you want to join her and snuggle just say "No, I'm good" instead of being eager.

I hate to say it, this is somewhat of a game, I just think women find it unattractive if you give them what they want whenever they ask. Maybe you should listen to that devil sometimes... I'm not saying to leave her, just say no once in a while, and you can even tell her why. Look at some models of assertive communication.. maybe ask for what you really want, which is to feel like a desirable man and tell her that cuddling doesn't always make you feel that so your going to do your own thing and work on yourself... and this way there doesnt have to be pressure on her to solve the problem

I used to pride myself as a very rational thinker, always chill and calm, but over the last few years have learned that you have to listen to your irrational emotions at times or you make the wrong decisions.

Women test us to see if we will act strong, and although sometimes we have to play a "game" back, thats the way of letting them know we are strong and masculine and won't be pushed around.

I'm just saying pull things back to more like 50/50. Don't always be the one to ask.n

If as you say, she is more attracted to you when you threaten to leave, I'm guessing there are psychological dynamics going on here. Deep down she has a low self esteem and this makes it so you are unattractive just for being with her and/or she feels she hasn't treated you well and you should want to leave.

I suggest spending time on a hobby, doing your own thing, away from her, find a place. And that part about her not wanting to hear you "bitch" about the things you want and deserve. No offense, shes not respecting your wishes and doesn't care about those needs right now, see if you can find someone else to talk to about that. A friend. A sponsor, even a dog. 

It's very possible she actually wants to space and freedom to pursue you sexually, so give her this..

This is just my 2 cents, take it as you see fit.

I meant without porn...

I meant without porn... Every man I know whos happy in a relationship takes time to do their own thing, to sort out their feelings about their significant other when they are upset, had a fight or whatever..

You can't get out of the rotten way you are feeling if you are only around the person who, you feel a certain way when they behave a certain way

Refuge

Lately my refuge has been work. I've been really busy with a new job. I recognize the need to develop a life outside of our relationship. The drum circle everyother week and Go once a week gets me out of house and socializing. At home the challenge is for me to make choices to not be with her.

I don't think games are necessary

I have struggled with neediness. I agree that neediness is unattractive, especially in men. But the answer isn't to turn a cold shoulder in hopes of "showing her". Even if she is testing (consciously or otherwise), this is not a test you have to take. The answer is to become more emotionally self-sufficient (in a "law of attraction" kind of way). In other words, don't make her feel as if your emotional well-being depends entirely on whether or not she gives you the attention you want. Find ways to nurture yourself and to feel good regardless of what happens. Create the party in yourself, then invite her to join you in it. That is very different from looking for her to create a party for you.

Also, you can build trust be being giving with her without expecting anything in return, especially sexually. Get good at offering her foot rubs and back rubs without any hope of receiving sexual favors in return. Just give. There is no cost to you in doing this. The irony of it is, she most likely will eventually feel closer to you, and may choose to express that feeling with touch and/or sex, but it would need to be her idea to do that. Otherwise, your gifts are tainted with hidden expectations which can be felt even when they are unsaid.

Thats why I said what I said.

Thats why I said what I said..

Hidden expectations, it's better to go do his own thing than stick around having her feel that. Its better to tell her what he's feeling and why he's doing what he's doing.

Emotional control is a skill that can be practiced

Cade - I know your intention is good, but why should he refuse a snuggle? That's a manipulative game, and it serves no good purpose. Of course, if he doesn't feel like snuggling, then he should say no, but he shouldn't refuse just to show her that he is independent.

AC - from all that you have written, I suspect your woman might be feeling a bit like you are an "energy vampire". Try to imagine how exhausting it would be for her to constantly repel your attempts to get something from her. How much of a relief would it be for her to have a break from having to do that? Maybe she could even relax a bit.

So how about trying an experiment: make an agreement with yourself that you completely release any attachment to "needs" you have - you will not try to get anything from her for 3 months. Be a giver only; take nothing. Receive with gladness when offered, but do not ask. Whether you tell her about this experiment or not doesn't matter because the mind doesn't hear these sorts of things anyway - it has to be absorbed through consistent action.

How to be a giver and not a taker? I found the "ecstatic exchanges" in Marnia's book really helpful for ideas about this.

What if she doesn't respond in 3 months? Try it for another 3. Seems like a long time to go without your needs being met? Perhaps, but are they being met now?

How to do it - I like to think of this sort of emotional need like an itch. It feels urgent, like I have to scratch it right now. But I don't. If I just leave it, eventually the itch subsides. This is just like that. Practice not scratching the itch. You won't do it perfectly at first, but it will improve with practice.

Another point of view

AC, I've read some of your posts and although I have no clever answers for a way out of your impasse there is one thing I would recommend you try. This is to touch your wife in the way that pleases you, not in the way that you hope - or think, or even know - pleases her. This is much more difficult than it sounds, as I've discovered. The covert intention behind a lot of my touching has always been to incite, or excite, my wife. If can put that idea out of my mind, and concentrate on touching her for my own immediate pleasure, something different happens.

Touching someone for your own pleasure seems selfish, and maybe it is; but as my wife constantly reminds me, why would anyone do anything else? Why indeed. It's worth taking time to consider what prompts us to reach out and touch. In the case of objects, it's usually to appreciate their form and texture, invariably for our own gratification. With animals, our touch is again primarily for our own pleasure, though the benefit is usually mutual. The process of adapting our petting in response to the effect it has is a good guide. We know if an animal likes our touch, and we respond to their reactions. With babies and children, it is the same story. We touch to give reassurance, or simply to bestow love, but what we do is directed, firstly, by our own preferences, and only later, by their response.

Why do things differently with our partners? I was certainly guilty of spending enormous amounts of time touching my wife in ways that I thought I wanted but were actually designed to produce the effect of turning her on. I then changed tack and made an effort to touch her in ways she said she wanted. This was a recipe for confusion, as what she wanted one day was not the same the day after, and her appreciation of the weight and duration of my touch changed by the minute. Finally, I took her at her word and started touching her as I wanted, with as little regard as I could manage for her own spoken preferences.

However, that didn't mean I would blunder on with a preconceived idea of what I wanted to do. The key, I learned, was to stay closely attuned to her responses, which were often so subtle I almost felt I was imagining them. That way, gates that were formerly closed to me started to slide open. This could start as simply as laying a hand somewhere on my wife's body and moving it very slowly, without any other purpose. As she responded, so my touch adapted.

If your wife refuses to let you touch her, or resists the touch you do give her (the touch that pleases you rather than her) I suppose there's not much you can do about it. I honestly believe, though, that most reasonably minded adults could schedule some time together where such touch becomes more than welcome.

Thank you

for your thoughtful response.
Touching my Izzy for my pleasure is easy. Any touch takes me to the moon. I purr like a cat.
I avoid preconceptions as much as possible (that's not to say I am not flooded by them daily). When I start thinking about what might happen or what I want to happen, I take it as a clear message that I am in trouble and need to seek a pleasurable experience.
Today is day 10 since we've had sex and day 4 since looking at porn and masturbating in the shower as I watched my Izzy bathe. For 3 days now I have awoken with my mind in the muck of thinking about leaving her to get my needs met. Gawd, this shit is familiar. Y'all must be getting tired of the same old same old. I'm certainly frustrated at my lack of progress. BUT, what I've got is today.
We've agreed to have sex once a week (see above). In the interim I have agreed to not expect sex or "bug" her. By day seven all bets are off and I'm all over her as I wish. It can get pretty ugly. Today, I approached her bed and asked if we might cuddle. She agreed. Usually this means me holding her and frequently includes caressing her for my pleasure. The only time she touches me is when we embrace and her hands are on my back. So this AM I chose to meet her where I figured she was at. She accented to my presence in her bed and contact, check. She is laying on her back. I join her with the side of our thighs in full contact. I don't know her intent beyond that and I find pleasure in my breath and our contact. Then, miracle upon miracles, she rolls to me and places her hand on my chest! This is good. Her hands often feel dead to me but I took this as an indication of her intention. I placed my hand over hers and eventually, slowly, explored and caressed her hand fingers, and wrist. My touch also emphasized the points of contact between us so I was caressing myself too. After 5 or 6 minutes she said she wanted to get up. I reverted to type and rolled into her, held her close and kissed her cheek and neck (3-5 kisses) wanting so much more, but then I broke the mold and got up before she could pull away from me.
We'll see

Good question

It seldom happens. For a while on day 7 I've felt totally entitled to sex and have shamelessly hustled her until she relents. I have been good and she is out of compliance. Yuck!
Back to basics....again...dusting off those Bonding Behaviors, seeking pleasure when I feel stressed (not porn), not waiting for her, etc. I want to honor myself by paying attention to what is real and not wishing and hoping. I'm trying really hard not to make things up....ie: how I might change to attract her, how she might change to please me.

Entitlement

Sex once a week isn't to be sneezed at, so long as it is on a par with other 'appointments' in your diaries. Taking such commitments seriously means devoting time and effort to them. In your place, I would feel aggrieved if a prior agreement wasn't being adhered to, or was being treated as inconsequential.

I would ask your wife to initiate whatever sex you agree to have. That way, she becomes accountable.

I would also try and insert a 'minimum duration' clause. In my experience, the twenty to thirty minute mark is when the greatest sea changes occur.

No clauses

I agree, 20-30 minutes is minimum
Last night: I approach her bed, "Would you enjoy a snuggle?" She sets her book aside (good sign) but is reluctant. I'll take what I can get (later on that one) and climb in. It's the usual, Izzy is on her back and passive, talking, me getting some bliss from the contact. I mentioned it has been 11 days. Izzy says, "You focus too much on numbers", and we agree that there are no more agreements. She says she wants to sleep so I go in for a kiss. It is a peck. I can't stand it. I said, "No, like this" and took a longer kiss. Gawd, I miss kissing her. Her lips were tender and soft, but I knew she didn't want it and left. It was more than likely a mistake certainly off the program of "not asking" and wasn't much giving to it....oh well, next time. I asked her this morning how that second kiss was for her. My fear that it was needy or disgusting in some way. She said it was ok.
This morning I am a little angry, trying to find my cool. She comes downstairs and I don't even want to greet her (how's that for a BB?). But as she comes toward the kitchen I can't help but embrace her and I find a bit of peace. She asked yesterday, "I saw you at the New Years party hugging people we are not close to. Were you giving or taking?" She sees me as a needy person and this is important for her to know. "I dunno, hard to say. For me, that kind of a hug is difficult to define. I want to be like Bill. That guy when you greet him, you're gonna get a hug. For good or bad, you know it's going to happen."
Plan 87,293: Bring intentional "giving" when I embrace Izzy. I think I'll try whispering into her ear, "Stay a moment. Remember all of earth's magic. The magic that turns death into life. Feel it come up through our feet and fill our bodies. Remember the beauty of the stars, sun, and moon. Let that beauty come down into our crowns and fill our bodies. Now through our love and connection, let's share that power through our hearts." Not bad, eh? I'll let you know

Would she be open

to doing a non-sexual bonding behavior each night, just for 5 minutes? She could choose what she wants from a list and then you could choose what you like. Maybe if she's getting something she picks every other night, she can snap out of her discomfort with feeling devoured (which I'm guessing she has).

Try this link from the left-hand margin. Each time you refresh the page, you get something new: Bonding Behaviors &
Exchange of the Day
. Scroll down to the bottom by the foot massage picture. "Exchange of the Day" is the part that changes as you refresh.

The strategy is to snap you two out of your rut, and then sex can be playful again when you add it back in...or at least that's the vision. Kiss 3

Numbers game

Spontaneity in a relationship is wonderful so long as both parties are on the same page. Honeymoon couples hardly need to schedule sex. It took me a long time to work out, after our honeymoon was over, that my wife still relished lovemaking, although she appeared to hardly ever think about it, still less initiate it. Even after we learned to make firm dates for sex, she would still tend to be taken by surprise when the time arrived. It was only when I suggested she take responsibility for remembering that her mindset changed. I put this down to the simple fact of anticipation. Leaving it up to me, she could afford to busy her mind with everything under the sun, meaning sex hardly got a look in. Having to remember herself meant she was forced to think about sex, so as not to forget when the time arrived. This made a massive difference.

What we eventually ended up with was the loose arrangement we have today. We agreed on it because it turned out to be the easiest to remember and it seemed the least formulaic. In principle, we make love every other day, so both our minds dwell on that possibility, which is never far away. In actuality, we miss a lot of days, due to circumstances, mostly involving other people being around; but that has turned out to be okay, because we always revert back to 'every other day' again, and the randomness of the otherwise iron clad arrangement suits us both.

I suppose my point is, we needed to 'focus' on 'numbers' in order to reach the point where we no longer had to. We're not back to spontaneity, exactly, but we're not counting days, either.

Excellent Points

Thank you. I like the part about your wife taking responsibility to remember. What happened when she "forgot"? When you miss a day, who suggests you get back on track?
I think "my wife still relished lovemaking" could be a key point.
Best Wishes

Clarification

As I recall, whenever my wife was responsible for remembering, she seldom forgot. When she did, and I reminded her, she didn't take it amiss. The biggest problem was restarting after getting out of schedule, which happened (and happens) a lot, due to changing circumstances. Nowadays, this is much easier, as we are both very aware of whether or not we made love yesterday. If we did, fine. If we didn't, it's on our minds for today, and we take our opportunities as they arise. We can miss many days in a row (as we did over Christmas) because the opportunity just isn't there, but this is okay, because as soon as the chance comes we are of a single mind.

When I said my wife 'relished lovemaking' I meant she delighted in it when it happened rather than looked forward to it with longing. It seemed she had to be actively engaged in the process before she could recognise how much she was enjoying herself. Memory evidently wasn't enough to make her spend time anticipating it.

It could well be key, if your wife doesn't enjoy sex (of any sort) while it's happening. Is this the case?

I am envious

My Izzy flinches at my touch more often than not. We have got to find a new way. Today I am angry and discouraged. How does a angry man find a way to Bonding Behaviors?
Thank you for your thoughts

Orgasm

3 weeks ago we had sex that was unusual for a slip that had us orgasming together. I've since masturbated twice, last time 4 days ago. I've been sick with a cold and took the easy way out for some pleasure. Intercourse 2-3 times a month with about half the time with orgasm.
Yesterday there was no way for me to open to her. She offered to have sex to get me out of my funk (brave soul). We lay side by side, on our backs with my hand on her thigh. I am still pissed and kept bringing my mind back to the touch, the connection and my breath. It was hard. Then she rolled to her side and we spooned for about 5 minutes. Then I left. This morning I struggled to make eye contact with her and be open. I did not chase her down for a greeting hug. Eventually she came to me and I was able to let my anger go.
That is the core of what I want, Izzy showing me that she cares and wants me. Unfortunately that has become our pattern. I become a real shit and she "rescues" me. Fortunately we don't dance to that tune very often anymore. Cutting back on orgasm will help.
Luv ya

Expectations...

Your expectations are the problem. In this realm, expectations are the chicken and the egg. Get rid of them, and everything just opens up, almost like magic. She will come to you because she wants to, not because you expect her to. But you have to (really and truly) release all expectations first. You can't fake that - they are felt no matter how much you try to hide them.

At first, it didn't seem fair to me that the woman should be totally in control of the sexual experience: when it happens, how often, how good it is, etc. But then I realized that it is totally fair and it makes sense: she is the one being penetrated - for that to work, and for the experience to be enjoyable for both of us, she must be enjoying it; she must feel safe, be relaxed, open, and giving herself to me willingly and taking pleasure in it for herself. Nothing I do can make her enter that space. In fact, she can't even make herself go there through force of will if she doesn't want to.

To your question: "How does a angry man find a way to Bonding Behaviors?", I suggest the following:

1. What unconscious expectations does your touch communicate? Are you expecting sex? Are you expecting her to react instantly, and in a particular way? Own that these are your expectations and that having them in the first place (not her unwillingness to fulfil them) is the cause of your disappointment and anger. Do whatever you have to in order to release your expectations, then the disappointment and anger will dissipate on their own. Some suggestions: meditate, journal, work on yourself with a therapist or in a group; whatever it takes for you to process and move past the expectations.

2. Read this book: http://www.maleinitiative.com/six-initiatives/. It's available free online, or you can order a copy. It's a short read, but it's powerful stuff. It really helped me to put my finger on a number of long-held misconceptions I had about sex, relationships, women, and my role in the whole thing. Once you have read it, ask Izzy if she would be willing to read it together with you. My wife credits our co-reading this book as the opening to our Karezza journey together. Before reading this, she had sex with me infrequently, out of a sense of obligation, and didn't enjoy it - in fact, she approached it with a sense of dread and did it to "get me off her back" (her words).

3. Go here: http://janetmcgeever.com/ and get the pdf file, "Why women close down". It's very short, but insightful. One of the big takeaways for me was to realize that women can go into a kind of "lockdown mode" in which their bodies simply reject sexual advances - it happens at a body level and she can't override it mentally even if she wants to.

Wow!

Sender, you have seen the situation perfectly. Thank you for the time you took to share your insights. I intend to read those pieces.
I definitely need to get to work on the expectations. The difference between wanting to hold her and the expectation that she will welcome me is not always clear to me but HUGE!
And there is that part that says, "I deserve to be loved. I deserve an affectionate sexual relationship." that is also very big.
Blessings

#1 Expectations

Almost 2 months have passed. I read McGeever's stuff, but don't recall any new info. I downloaded it again and just got the 6 I's too.
I haven't had an orgasm in quite some time. I've forgotten to count (at least a month) but they have all been with Izzy (3 this year) and she says she's not masturbating.
A few weeks ago I asked for a softer "no", one that didn't leave me feeling so hurt. She'd get this look on her face like she'd just stepped in dog shit. Our daughter's taught their children to say, "No thank you" and was hoping for something similar. She countered with, "Stop asking stupid questions". So I've been working on that. I've defined S? to include one that is pre-loaded with expectation. I've done some good work. For me, touch has always contained at least the question, "Will you respond in a loving way?". I've dropped that one and a few others. I approach only out of a genuine desire to express my love. I failed a lot at first but am much better at it now.
Lying with her is pretty good. I only ask for more when I feel it (as opposed to thinking something like, "Hell here we are, I should ask for a some sex"). The questions have been, "Will you lie on top of me? Will you hold my penis between your legs? Can we have a little sex? (that translates to, "May I get lost in touching you?"). I limit myself to only one question. It's probably 1/3X's that I ask when we lie together. Having traveled the porn road for so long, seeing her nude remains a big problem. My brains go into my dick and the stupid questions abound!
So, I'm making some progress but have a ways to go for not asking for anything.
Vampirely yours,
AC

Nice work

It takes time to make an adjustment of this magnitude. Just keep at it even if you don't see results right away. One suggestion: when you want to touch Izzy, see if you can make an offer that is purely about giving and not receiving. Maybe offer her a backrub like this: "would you like a backrub? There will be no sex tonight; right now I just want to do something nice for you, no strings attached". If she agrees, notice when your mind begins to drift to "taking pleasure from the touch", or worse "how can I touch her to turn her on so she wants sex". When that happens, just bring your awareness back to giving. Where is she sore, tight, needing some attention - focus only on that. See how "big" you can make your hands, how loving, healing, relaxing. Make it like a meditation.

I deeply appreciate

your accurate, intelligent, and kind thoughts.
I have a firmly held belief that Izzy does not like my touch, so I don't offer. My desire for her and the kick so strong when we do touch, that I have been unclear as to my motives in seeking connection. It Is good to question one's beliefs, isn't it?
Having said that, I did give her a fairly clean foot rub recently. I got an erection (her foot was in my lap) but treated it like I might as if I was at a cuddle party (never been), enjoyed the feeling but adjusted my position so she wouldn't feel it and did not seek to make more of it. Since I'm not used to it, I think timing is crucial in offering back/neck rubs and the like. She said her foot hurt, easy. Just a random, "Do you want a back rub?" is iffy.
In the last 10 days or so I've been at about 80% for offering touch (hugs, kisses) that are an expression of my love, sympathy or appreciation. The other 20% is mostly when I see her naked and then I immediately want sex. My Izzy is really quite thrilling to me (I love that dopamine!).
I would say that I don't touch her in a way to turn her on. Again, because of a belief that I can't. But the orgasm we shared the time before last happened in large part because we wanted her juicy so I could enter her...so I did.
Because of my lack of clarity about my motives for touching her, I frequently declare, "OK, now I have just crossed over to sex." That is the first line that you mentioned, where I start to take pleasure. So I know the line. It is an assumption I hold of our marriage: I don't have to pull back from going sexual as I would with a courtly companion.
I am trained and somewhat skilled in Cranio Sacral Therapy and have studied Integrated Awareness. I can touch in that way and deal somewhat skillfully with the sex. My Isadora has told me she doesn't like to be touched in those ways. She'd rather a good rubdown but refuses my offers for a number of reasons; time, oily messy, difficult to receive pleasure? avoid intimacy? and, for sure, because I get soooo turned on.
So, I have some knowledge and skill. The work is in awareness and will.
Thank you, my friend

She does

say no to CST (Upledger style). She tried it a few times and did not like the stillness...go figure
Izzy naked on the table, Hell Yes! I'm fantasizing....well I'm really quite present but also quite hard...speaking of that: She knows I like to be with her in the shower, so if she is open to me joining her, she'll let me know. Today I happen to be hurt and angry. She: "I'm going to take a shower" Now I'm thinking this is a peace offering, nice, but I'm still pissed off. Me: "Thanks, but I'm not ready for that level of intimacy" and, here's the kicker, I had an erection before I finished the sentence!
Lawdy, I got some work to do!

Luv ya

Yep, I might offer some cranio head work (always with clothes on). It's been a few years since she said she didn't like the work, "I don't get it, nothing's happening". Me, I'm a sucker for a good Temporal Wobble! make my head jelly.
Indeed, I am ready to give a Yes. I was angry and resentful yesterday and needed to sit with it. Us porn addicts/control freaks are quick to turn to the dope rush rather than just be still with the feeling. Yesterday I chose to not go there, for me, not to punish her or show her how bad I feel.

integrity

Integrity is keeping a commitment. If your wife isn't keeping the commitment, it shows a lack of integrity BUT there are other possible reasons. If your wife has integrity then it shows she may be angry or perhaps she doesn't realize the importance of this commitment. I would assume #2 or #3 possiblities.

In any event, I hope you function well as a partnership, as a team. This area of sex though probably spills over into other things. It may be something that is a linchpin that can make everything else a lot better.

Nope

I have ordered it from the library. I am number 8 in line for the single copy of Deida's book.
Thanks