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Submitted by Tortoise on
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Hi ,

it was close to three years ago when I was last on this site. This community of essentially strangers helped me so much in processing my struggles with a crumbling marriage. I was trying to salvage or "reunite" a tattered and shredded and macerated sexual relationship. Which really was only the tip of the iceberg for a relationship that was loving in some ways but so very codependent and dysfunctional in most others.

There simply was not the rational awareness to self examine long enough to consider approaching a healing process such as the CPA Exchanges. Our problems were far beyond only in the bedroom. One symptom is not the entire disease process... although a lack of sex and intimacy was the most important symptom to me. It was what I wanted to "fix".

Sometimes things can be "fixed" or mended. Relationships can be fixed if they are somewhat broken. But this requires both parties to want to try. People shouldn't be considered broken I am told. You can't fix somebody I am told. You can't change anyone you shouldn't ever try. You shouldn't count on or wait or hope for them to change. Never rely on a perceived "potential" for change in someone. People change if or when they want to. It turns out all these cliches are actually accurate.

So obviously from the not so subtle nuance of sour grapes in my writing .. the struggle ended in divorce. I don't consider the end of this 14 year marriage a failure. It was a series of learning experiences that a less experienced, less self loving, more afraid of being alone.. me ..had to live through to get to where I am now. I have no earth shattering regrets because I realize I had no manual presented to me about love and relationships and intimacy when I decided to marry (again). Even if I had I probably wouldn't have read it well or comprehended it anyway. I didn't learn in my first 19 year marriage. I guess the only way I learn is by getting smacked in the face by real life over and over enough until the message starts seeping in. Maybe.

In both marriages I was initially seeing my love and marriage with sparkly rose colored honeymoon shades. Just as the honeymoon phase predicts. The sex had me hooked early in our relationship. Really there is nothing better for me than hot sex with who I love and orgasm. I may be an addict .. am an addict .. but not to porn or one night stand conquests or forbidden sex or just orgasm. I need to be bonded or love to make love and feel like orgasm is how I touch a kind of divinity.. but that is another topic for later.

Predictably after the first year or so frequent sex and orgasm became less and less frequent. It was a strange thing though. The tease of the orgasm reward less and less frequent made me desire it more and more. I wasn't wanting it from anyone else. I wanted it from the woman I love. I was bonded to her just fine. My hangover might last two days if that and I would be pouncing like the stereotypical male. Which is never appealing after the honeymoon phase passes.

I never gave up though.. very annoying obviously . Her denying me made the reward much more rewarding so I never gave up. As the time between stretched into weeks and months however I could not tolerate it. She was no longer wanting me in any way at this point anyway and I was not in a desireable appealing state of mind. Her hangovers were prolonged by my neediness. We separated . I discovered CPA much much too late for salvage. I don't think it would have helped anyway... like I said .. tip of the iceberg.

She sought the honeymoon elsewhere and no amount of counseling or excercises could help. Hangovers and insecurities killed it. As well as a dash of PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder. Sometimes in relationships one really shouldn't try to fix things or wait for change when they both need to just move on to heal.

Which I have and after much work and counseling and processing and dancing and meditating I feel somewhat healed. I have a new relationship now. That is really why I am here now. I have a manual but need advice. But that is for next time. I had to bring you all up to speed first.

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Hey there

So sorry things didn't work out, and for what you (both) went through. This is a very tough planet for intimate relationships.

Glad to hear about the new relationship. Hope we can support you.