Submitted by prs on
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Hello,

I've looked at many parts of this site but perhaps because I'm new, many of the addicts relating their recovery are already well on their way. How does one get started?

I just found the dopamine/masterbation connection. I'm 37, male, otherwise speaking I don't have an addictive personality. no problems with alcoholism, smoking, adrenilin type behavior, none of this really applies. I do recognize now that I have a problem with addiction to dopamine released through orgasm by means of masterbation at least twice a day, sometimes more and particularly more the day after a night of drinking with friends - this really made the dopamine connection for me.

I am between sexual relationships and until now, felt that this issue would simply dissipate and go away, replaced with union sex. I am in a very warm relationship with a woman but we've just not taken it to the next level - let's just leave that for now - So there has been a sort of pending expectation that the next sexual relations are "just around the corner".

Other times of being between relationships have been the same experience, self gratification at a rate of twice or more a day which disappeared once in a sexual relationship.

However this time is different, and is why I'd like to find balance in this part of my life.

I was divorced in 2003, between then and meeting this current relationship interest is about 4 years. The longest time by far for me. During that time I've been with 4 women, each one - three night periods - very short as sexual relationship go. I found I could not orgasm nor maintain erection for more than 5 minutes-much different than ever before. At the time I thought it was just the pressure of the situation-one night stand and all or the after effects of the divorce which was traumatic and that this too would "just go away" once I was in a true termed relationship. But reading here, I begin to worry that this might actually be a direct effect of twice daily self gratification and the different stimulations involved.

I realize that my thinking is/was faulty and that this will not "just go away" without some effort on my part.
Questions:

- how to take that first step
- during recovery, and afterwards what could be considered a healthy level of masterbation 1-2 per week? Or is it like alcoholism where one must stop completely and revert to wet dream releases (when single-obviously union sex would replace otherwise) to avoid further dopamine relapse?

Thanks

Hey prs, welcome!

There are no hard and fast rules. Our site has two purposes. One is to speed people in their self-observation about orgasm's effects on them (after the jollies Smile ). The mainstream media keeps telling us that orgasm is so healthy that it's a case of the-more-the-better. Thousands of years of careful observation by the ancient Chinese, and our own personal experience (as well as the experience of some people who have visited this site) says that this view is...well...probably incorrect. As we often say, if it were right, porn addicts would be the happiest people on the planet. Are they?

The other purpose of the site is to help heal the alienation between the sexes, which we think fertilization-driven sex naturally engenders. We think this emotional distance is the result of a very effective, biological program that wants us to fertilize each other and move on to a new mate to increase genetic variety. Turns out that even socially-monogamous mammals are not sexually monogamous. Evolution doesn't like monogamy. And it may be that our addiction to orgasm as a culture is also increasing the fragility of intimate relationships (due to the hangover).

However, monogamy (or, more specifically close, trusted companionship) is good for our individual health and longevity (even if our genes don't like it as well). So is a lively attraction to closer union and physical intimacy, which the mainstream tends to confuse with orgasm, since it can't conceive of intimacy without it. Obviously, we think the benefits come from the intimacy, not the orgasm.

The purpose of the site isn't to make anyone feel bad about orgasm, or give specific rules. There are books that have the kind of guidelines you are asking for. The Taoists, for example, sometimes came up with schedules based on age and time of year. Other Taoists believed in pretty much avoiding orgasm altogether. We attempt to stick to the latter approach, although we do occasionally experience an inadvertent orgasm. This is no big deal. We do notice a hangover afterward. This is why we don't 'go for it.'*chuckle*

One such book with a schedule is "Taoist Secrets of Love: Cultivating Male Sexual Energy" by Mantak Chia. I think Chia's book has some flaws, but it's an interesting starting point. And it's written by a man for men. Here are some excerpts: http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/sources/mantak_chia_taoist_secrets_of_love

As for whether porn is causing sexual dysfunction, you are not the first to wonder this. The only way you'll know is to try equilibrium and see if you notice an improvement.

Frankly, if you have a female friend who might be willing to try a careful, very novel approach to intimacy like the Ecstatic Exchanges (http://www.reuniting.info/science/ecstatic_exchanges_and_neurochemistry), that's what I'd try. Going "cold turkey" on your own is very tough, and keeping some masturbation in the picture can make it even harder, because you're always in withdrawal if you're doing it relatively frequently. On the other hand, with someone to cuddle and laugh with, the withdrawal period can be almost painless, and you'll be nurtured by the woman's affectionate touch. Certainly that was my husband's experience. BTW, he says he could never have stopped masturbating without an intimate connection (or as he would say..."someone to feel up." Wink ).

There are guys without partners who visit this site who seem to be cutting back a lot on masturbation and finding benefits with equilibrium, so maybe they'll share their experiences, too. I admire their courage, but since I know your woman friend would benefit from careful, generous intimacy, too, I can't help thinking it's a shame if you decide to do it yourself. Smile

Good luck. Keep us posted, whatever you try.

Welcome prs

Hello prs,

Welocme to our group. As for how to get started, well each of us starts in our own way and goes at our own pace. There are no rules, no formulas. Marnia points out many of the problems with the dopamine rush/crash. I encourage you to read Peace Between the Sheets. I first read the book right after meeting Marnia and Gary a few years ago when I lived in the same town they live in. A couple of years after that I had a personal crisis in my life and came to realize that I was a sex addict. I've been masturbating and otherwise acting out since I was about seven years old. I thought that because I was not addicted to drugs, alcohol, food or bungyless bungy jumping that I was not an addict. WRONG!! I'm addicted to the thrill, excitement and rush of sexual acting out. It produces some of the same manifestations in the brain as shooting heroine. When I first came to grips with my sexual compulsion/addiction; I began attending 12-Step Programs specifically geared towards sexual recovery. During my first year in this form of recovery I chose as my bottom lines certain compulsive behaviors from which to refrain. It was hard in the beginning, but I was able to refrain from those behaviors. I've how been off of those bottom lines for 19 months. In May, 2007 I decided to try and stop masturbating totally as a way to stop feeding the pornographic fantasies in my head. That has been much harder and I've slipped often . Now I have 49 days of abstinence/recovery.

I hope that my story helps you in beginning YOUR recovery process.

Cheers!