Last night I decided to do my activities in a more centered way. It was OK, but kind of boring (why boring is such a four-letter word?). I made my dinner without the comforting background buzz of the TV, ate my meal slowly and in silence - being attentive to the food instead of shoveling it down, ironed shirts and carefully folded them, sat zazen for 20 minutes, read a bit and then went to bed. Great huh?
well, as posted in another part of the site, i went a week and then had traditional sex with my GF. Although i still havent looked at porn in 2 weeks, the sex felt addictive, selfish, and ultimately part of a bigger problem i have surrounding sex and sense of self worth.
I just had a marvelous success! The success of choosing not to reach any goal at all and still to be totally satisfied!
I'd like to share my journey from sex addiction and wholeness through this blog in hopes that it might not only help me in my recovery, but also maybe help some others struggling with similar issues. If some dialog or mutual support arise as well, all the better! I will continually try to keep relevant to the purpose of this website and will refrain from graphic descriptions. Ok...Some background info might be in order here. this is long so be warned. : )
I'm on my period and haven't been getting it on. But I HAVE noticed that since I started meditating more regularly about a month ago and have become more able to watch rather than act on my compulsions (for orgasm, affection from sexy men, etc), the sexual nature of my dreams has changed a lot.
We've had a couple of lovemaking encounters recently that have emphasised for me how difficult change in this area is.
On the first occasion, we failed to agree in advance how our session would 'end'. Things went well, initially. After half an hour or so of relative inactivity, I experienced an extraordinary merging moment, where I could no longer sense the boundary between my wife and myself. This followed a series of involuntary butterfly sensations of gurgling and contracting in and around our genitals. It felt supremely peaceful and I could have remained like that indefinitely.
However, I also felt I could go on indefinitely, and serve as required, and an underlying sense of this nagged at the back of my mind like a pressing appointment. I asked my wife if she wanted to continue and she nodded. It then became a matter of pride to assist her to orgasm while refraining myself.
I haven't masturbated much since I last posted. I sucessfully abstained from orgasm once and felt no loss at all from it. Another time I did have an orgasm but it was of a very different sort. I noticed that when I was breathe in, the anterior wall of my vagina, where the g-spot is, expands, and when I breathe out, it contracts. This is without any intentional muscle movement. I'm learning how linked deep breathing is to high states of ecstatic bliss.
When I was younger I practically held my breath when I masturbated, and noticed then that I didn't feel much ecstatic energy when I breathed deeply. Probably I was more focused then on the clitoral and up and inward pulling sensations alone and didn't know how to balance them with the outward pouring ones (and by this I don't necessarily mean ejaculation, tho that is the extreme version of it. still, there is a gentle releasing and vulnerability when the uterus is pushed down and the muscles are expanded rather than contracted, that is very open and lovely, and which is a balance to the upward pulling).
I recently began ejaculating during masturbation, and notice it as being very distinct from conventional orgasm and not necessarily simultaneous with it. I am less inclined to stop ejactulating since this is something that I have only recently experienced and want to explore more. Certainly it is very luscious and very ecstatic, in a rushing, generous, free-flowing way, with a quality very distinct from orgasm that is not as aggressive or sharp.
I have heard differing opinions as to whether female ejaculation is draining or not. The fact is, very little is known or shared about this capacity in women. In his book "Healing Love Through the Tao: Cultivating Female Sexual Energy", Mantak Chia says only: "Now that women's ejaculation is known to occur, there will probably be much relief, relaxation, and increased pleasure among women who have this capacity." He does not seem to equate it with the "outward pouring orgasm" that he says should be held inside and transformed into "beyond orgasm." This is interesting, since ejaculate is certainly more of a literal "outpouring" than conventional orgasm.
I am a 28 year old single female studying massage therapy but currently supporting myself through environmental advocacy work in the nonprofit sector.
I am starting this blog as a way to document and hopefully support a deeper journey into my sexuality and vitality as a person. Since I have already shared my experiment in another post (which led to the invitation to blog here), I copy parts of that post as my introduction:
I am not presently with a partner, but I have been attempting - with varying degrees of success - to use meditative masturbation and a buildup of orgasmic energy to direct my conscious awareness and ecstatic self to different parts of my body in an attempt to see if I can rejuvenate or heal unhealthy patterns. I am using principles gleaned from Tantric and Taoist traditions, and from my own study of massage therapy and energy work - particularly the work of Donna Eagan, who wrote "Energy Medicine." In this book, she points out that many illnesses stem from a break in the fabric of a person's "grid". A break is an energy leak. Taoist and Tantric traditions also point out that weak muscles and shallow breathing cause energy leaks. I also consider a leak to be anything that I do compulsively that drains me of energy due to excessive focus on that thing.
Something came up last night as we were making love. We were managing fine, staying well within the 30%-70% Zone of Excitement, when I ran into the usual wall of voices.
"More friction needed ..."
"This is so good ... let's make it better."
"Let's go all the way ... we can start afresh tomorrow."
I was able to laugh these voices off, and stayed, I like to think, reasonably in control, when another voice piped up:
"So, if we aren't going to climax, how are we going to end?"
Nobody else was in the house so there were no noise prohibitions. We weren't under any time constraints. We weren't yet tired. My wife was flushed and excited, as was I.