A Lifetime of Porn, Depression, and Anxiety

Submitted by AAsus on
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I am new to this site, and I can't believe that I did not find it sooner. My pathetic story goes like this.
From a very early age I have memories of trauma relating to my sexuality, self esteem, and self worth. I remember having surgery on my penis when I was young. At age 7 I vividly remember a nurse pulling my pants down while I was lying on an operating table and remembering extreme pain. Sometime after that happened I remember my mother and grandmother holding me down to apply some sort of ointment to my penis. Looking back I was one of the rare cases of people who's foreskin grows over the head of the penis making it difficult to piss. The next memory I have is of my father looking at me from the kitchen table while I sit on the toilet seat in the bathroom. I got up closed the door and sat down, I then remember him coming in and beating me for doing that. I still don't know why he did that. I just know that this memory come to me often.
In grade school and high school I was very quiet and introverted. I never really set any goals for myself and my parent have never EVER encouraged my to do anything in life. In fact they are the type of people to always look at the negative side of any situation. Any time I would come to them with an idea, like where I wanted to go for higher education, they would tell me not to waist time and money because it would never work out. My one and only girlfriend happened my last year of high school. I like the way she looked and I smiled whenever she looked in my direction. She asked me out, I would have never had the confidence to do so. We dated for a year, during that time and probably earlier I would watch a lot of internet porn. I remember AOL and having to wait a long ass time to see anything. I remember our intimate nights going something like this. We would kiss for a while and get naked, and then I would just ejaculate without any stimulation at all. She would get very mad and throw a fit. Or we would kiss get naked and I would never be able to get an erection. She would get very mad and throw a fit. Or this one time I actually managed to get an erection and she got on top, but as soon as she did I somehow managed to rip a small chunk of skin on my penis. She got super pissed because there was blood everywhere. I remember countless nights driving home from her house only to sit and watch porn and masturbate. Sometime after that she dumber me.
I spend my under grad and grad years without any girl kissing me or touching me. After a few years in the working world I had an accident. A semi truck hit me and I spun around a few times on the highway. I was not hurt and the car was completely drivable. A few days went and I started noticing strange things happening. I would get body twitches constantly, if i would hear a loud sound instead of being startled I would get this crazy feeling of dread. Like I was about to die or someone was holding a gun to my head. Three times a night I would wake up gasping for air. I began to feel sad all the time, and I would get very painful muscle aches.
I decided to go to the doctor, got on Lexapro for about three months. Thinks settled out a bit, but I decided to see a shrink to find out why I overreacted to such a small car accident. After two years of sessions I feel much better. I am loving life and can honestly say I am happy most days and I'm not taking any medication. For the first time in a long time I actually want to talk and hang out with people.
Here is the actual reason why I am on this site: After stumbling on this site and seeing the great porn experiment I realized that I have been masturbating to pron ever since I had a computer, over 15 years.
While in public places I look at women and see the beauty they emanate. If the thought of talking with one arises I get super anxious and can't talk to her. If I get introduced to one I can talk with her, but on the inside I feel nothing. Even if she is a 10, I see how hot she is but have no sexual attraction to her. I see her as being attractive and really great to look at and talk to but I am simply dead on the inside.
I stopped looking at porn two days ago. I have caught myself masturbating but I have, thus far, stopped myself from ejaculating. I have no idea where to go from here.

Comments

Day Three

I have installed a filter on my browser, I noticed my mind wondering and clicking on pictures women. When the filter kicks in it gives me a chance to think and I remember why I'm doing all of this in the first place.

You are a brave man

Good job undertaking this experiment. Let's hope you see some positive results.

You can't force attraction. It has to arise from within...as your brain returns to normal sensitivity.

However, it's not too soon to smile at those women and practice making eye contact, and saying "Hi" with a smile. That way, you'll be ready to rocket when your libido is healed. The more you can make others feel good about themselves, the more confidence you'll see in yourself.

Your dad was probably just having a bad day...which means his action was senseless. No point in analyzing it to death...because there's nothing to figure out.

*big hug*

If you need more support here are two other good forums:

YOURBRAINREBALANCED.COM

REDDIT.NoFap

Day Four

I woke up this morning with an erection and caught my mind wandering several times, part of me hopes that this will not be a bigger problem as the days go on. I find it hard to focus in the morning and I hope I have the self control to stop before I start. I have not had headaches for some time. Today I just got one and it has lasted for a few hours now. Is this something that people experience?

Ditto

On the headaches. 3 of the four headaches ive ever had i had during reboot. It wont be the first odd symptom you have either ,checkout the withdrawl symptoms page on YBOP.

Good journey mate.