Day 15

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Submitted by ace8 on
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Like everyone, I'm mourning the children and teachers who lost their lives in Connecticut on Friday. Writing about myself and my little issues seems so self-centered and wrong somehow. I guess it's true that as we mourn, we have to keep living our lives.

My 15th day w/o pmo. So far, so good.

Part of my strategy goes against all advice. Rather than delete my porn stash, I copied it onto a flash drive. This eliminates the temptation to replenish it, the agonizing inner debate over whether or not to replenish it, the porn-addiction-reinforcing behaviors that go along with replenishing it, and the time wasted when replenishing--all of which were driving me crazy. I know the porn is there and I'm free to reject it or use it. Skipping over all the problems I've had after deleting it, and instead facing the decision to use it or not, is working better for me. The one time I used the flash drive and looked at some of the porn on it, I checked myself and stopped after a few minutes.

I'm not recommending this, just saying it's working for me. Getting rid of all porn probably is better for most porn addicts or it wouldn't be so widely endorsed.

The best part so far of rebooting is that rebooting is actually starting to happen. My mind, my thoughts, are becoming my own again. Instead of thinking about porn and agonizing over whether or not to use it, I'm focused on the moment, the things I'm doing, the people I'm with. I've started setting goals again and feeling exhilarated about pursing them. It's a big wide world, and I see how porn addiction shrinks it into nothing. The other day I didn't think about porn at all. Today I'm tempted, but I'm not going to give in. I'm starting to feel like and think like myself again, and I don't want to lose myself just as I'm starting to find myself again.

Comments

Great post

You spoke about your situation with clarity.

Congrats on 15 days! Your rebalance is starting to take hold. When I started my first looong reboot last year I deleted all my digital porn, I had already thrown out years of video tapes, I found destroying it all quite important for me. But, we are all different.

Stay strong!

I can't manage to delet my stash either

Having spent so much time collecting it (decades) it represents a large portion of my life. Intellectually I realize that if I do in fact kick this habit, I'll have some wasted hard drives and potential incriminating evidence that my SO would misconstrue. Yet on an emotional level I cant bring myself to get rid of it, I'm hoping that somewhere along the line I'll have enough emotional distance from it to reclaim my hard drives, symbolically kick it out my life, and move on. I hope you'll find that distance too.

There are many ways

to skin the cat.

Suggestion: take the flashdrive and wrap it. Then put a lot of duct tape on it so you can't easily use it. That's what one guy here did. Made a lot of sense.