I wrote a blog months ago, then deleted it. I've been a porn addict for about a year and a half, though it seems like an eternity.
From reading, from one session with a sex therapist (who helped me frame the issue, though when I asked she had no specific suggestions about how to deal with it), and from much agonizing introspection, I've finally come to a few realizations that might actually give me some chance to get past this ungodly episode in my life.
I have to regain control.
The only way is to do this is to embrace the suffering that goes with it.
It's not fair, but so what?
Regaining control probably won't lead to love with a real woman, but so what?
I was sexually abused as a child, and that no doubt has contributed to the problem I face, but so what?
I didn't know that porn could fuck up my brain and lead to addiction. I thought masturbation was OK, porn was free speech, and I was indulging in a guilty pleasure. I didn't know I was starting down the road to hell, but so what? No, life isn't fair, but that's not the issue.
I'm over 60 and divorced. The women--more than a few--I've dated who are about my age have all been depressed and/or bitter and/or afraid because they're alone. (Boy, those on-line profiles don't quite match up with reality, but that's another story.) Besides, I've known love and great sex and both with the same woman. I was married for many years, including some very good years. It ended in divorce, but love doesn't always last a lifetime. So what? My problem isn't that I'm single at this stage of my life. My problem is my porn addiction. Apart from that, my life is good. Actually, better than good. I do this without expecting it will lead to love. I do this because I want my life back.
I realize, as I read in a book on recovery, that I'm not my mind. In other words, I'm not synonymous with the personal history that experience has imprinted on my mind. I have a deeper self beyond my personal experience and the thought patterns that arise from it. This is the self that can stand back and see the problem and deal with it. This is the self that will remain after the addiction's gone. I can shed, or keep at a distance, the self of my personal history, and I can keep and nurture my deeper self. I can shed the effects of the sexual abuse I experienced as a boy, when my dad was at sea and my mom sometimes touched my genitals. I remember the electric sensation of exhilaration that ran through my body, and her smiling face, when she did this, may God bless her and forgive her. I think this experience is connected to how at times I've used masturbation as an escape and how I fell into a porn addiction. But that history doesn't have to define me. In a way, now that I can see it as something apart from my genuine self, it doesn't really matter. It, too, isn't the issue, even if it helped cause the issue. The only thing that matters now is getting my life back.
I'm not sure I'll succeed. I've already tried and failed many times. But I have some perspective now. When that fog descends that stops everything else and leads me to drift to porn, at least now I'll have a better chance to resist and let it pass.