5 Weeks into this crazy journey of self-improvement and self-discovery.
My critical issue has revolved around using internet photos and videos (anything from photos and videos of women I know personally to celebrities to hardcore porn) as my primary and preferred sexual outlet. Quite often I would be intimate with a partner and then look forward to running home to my mistress, 'Adell' aka the Dell Computer in my study. I was also visiting escorts and massage parlors frequently as well over the years but I basically eliminated that habit from my life several years ago. It all ties together in my mind. I have been fooling myself for years that I didn't have a real problem with it but now I see the destructive affect it has had on my social life. Despite always being able to maintain relationships with women I have struggled with real intimacy. The struggle is now finally subsiding for me as my awareness of the harm that this behavior causes is coming to light.
5 weeks in now- I no longer masturbate to images and videos on the internet. Period. I haven't done it once. I have continued to masturbate fairly regularly (anywhere from 2x/day to every other day) during this period but never to anything but thoughts and fantasies, just like back in the pre-internet days. I've cut out doing it in front of the television as well. I have also continued having sex with my partner during this period in regular intervals. The sex has been better, the urges have been stronger and my 'arousal' has gradually improved. I use ED drugs as an aid, but not as frequently as before. At this point it feels like more of a safety net but clearly it has a strong effect. I aim to lessen the masturbation and think I will be able to do so but I honestly think that it doesn't impede my progress.
Last week I awoke to crazy morning wood for the first time in memory! What a thrill! I also now enjoy spontaneous hard-on's around women that I find attractive, including my partner! I don't think I have been able to do this for years! Made me happier than a two peckered dog, as they say here in Texas.
Additional benefits include more emotional balance and a clearer mind. Though there have been some difficult fluctuations in my mood during this period (other personal problems that have been magnified by this rebooting process) at this point I sense a deeper level of inner stability is steadily rising to the surface of my consciousness. I should add that I really enjoy outdoor activities such as rock climbing and hiking. The intensity and focus is very helpful as well.
That's it for now. Thanks for reading my blog.