I almost caved last night.
I really never thought I'd make it this far...
No major updates from last week. I'm still in a flatline. Last week I had some signs of libido returning (nightly erections, some morning wood), but has completely disappeared this week. It's back to the lifeless dick.
I've really cut back on reading RSS feeds on GoogleReader and surfing Reddit for fear that it's way too similar to the way I browse for P (lots of scrolling and hunting for novelty). It doesn't seem to have had any noticeable effect.
I feel I'm slowly coming out of the flatline stage. The past couple of mornings, I've woken up with fairly strong erections. I'm also starting to have some pretty vivid sexual dreams. But on off nights, I'm having the opposite dream - where I'm fighting my ex-girlfriend instead.
My penis is comically small - just about non-existent (sometimes I even have issues holding it while urinating).
The flatlining continues. I've had a couple of sexual flashes in dreams, but no full blown fantasies.
The irregular sleeping patterns also continue. Some nights I'm asleep by 10 - then I'm up from 3AM to 5AM. Other nights, I can't get to sleep until 3 or 4AM. I'll usually wake up frustrated, with a minor erection that doesn't last long.
I'm glad to have made it to this far.
I can't imagine I would have ever made it to the three week mark and now I can't imagine not making it to 1 month - and more.
I've coasted on the flatline for most of it, but what happens when the libido comes screaming back? I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
Well, barring any unforeseen catastrophes, I'm going to make it to the 3 week mark tomorrow morning. I'm pretty much on autopilot these days since I've been flatlining for over two weeks now (it started on day 4). Only now are signs of life starting to show. I've woken up in the middle of the night to 50% erections, but that's the extent of it.
My sleep schedule has become increasingly erratic in the past few days. I'm up until 3 in the morning one night. Then I'll be tired enough the next day to get to sleep early, only to wake up at 3 and be up the rest of the night.
I've always had issues with insomnia, though. I could never get back to sleep if I woke up in the middle of the night - not until the sun came up at least. Meditation doesn't help. I don't know what else to try...
Gonna be a long day - and I'm just one day away from the 3-week mark.
I'm being impatient. I know I'm being impatient.
The first round of the reboot, I remember having tons of energy. I'd wake up in the morning, clap my hands, and say, "Today is going to be a GRRREAT day!" This second time around, I haven't felt anything like that. It's been flu symptoms, sleepless nights, and no drive to accomplish anything at all during the day. If it's possible, I feel worse than I when I'm at the height of PMO. Everything seems to have a fog (something I never realized existed until the first round of my reboot). Everything just... well, sucks.
Today should mark two weeks.
But for the past couple of days, I've been peeking at softcore images online without much nudity. When I start to linger on a normally innocent image, I get a shot of guilt and I move on - so there wasn't much time for fantasizing. But I wonder if the act of scrolling and clicking through sites like reddit, or even my RSS feeds is enough to trigger the dopamine spike (even if there is no P at all, softcore included). Other members talk about feeling the dopamine but it's not something I think I can gauge well. How does that feel? Do you feel aroused?
I was hoping to slow down on the blog posts, just letting the reboot process go on autopilot for a little while. I want to get to a point where I'm counting weeks (and eventually months) instead of hours and days.
But I've just been sick for the past few days. Congestion, coughing, headache, soreness. I wonder if it's at all possible it could be due to the reboot. If it is, would it mean if I PMO'd that I'd immediately feel better? I'm not going to try that - just curious.