I've reached day 10 before and this round seems different. The first time around I had plenty of energy and motivation. This time around I'm feeling sick - sore throat, coughing, sneezing. I have no energy or motivation. I'm feeling depressed or just not feeling anything at all...
The cravings are happening more often. I'm seeing triggers just about everywhere I look. I had to turn off the TV, then I had to put down the magazine, then I had to try and read a book because of the fantasizing. Then I even had to put the book down. This has been the most difficult day so far - and I'm so close to making it to the new year...
I've been hitting the gym pretty hard this week so I'm incredibly sore. It's been a few months since I've had an exercise routine. My head feels clear and aware, but my entire body is just tired. I just don't have energy or motivation to do much of anything today.
Actually, there really isn't much for me to do today anyway. I guess I can just use the day to watch a movie or two, catch up on some reading, and just take a leisurely day.
I'm feeling more optimistic about the reboot process. I think as each day passes, my mood has been getting better.
Just woke up to day 7 after having had my first sex dream in a long, long time. I'd say I've had maybe one other dream like this in the past 10 years. Something has definitely shifted in the reboot and I hope to ride the momentum of more landmark occurrences to help carry me through the process.
Last night I had dreamed my ex girlfriend and I had gotten back together. We started having sex, but I stopped and forced myself to confess my addiction to PMO. I started explaining the terms of my reboot and that's when the dream turned into something else.
I can't seem to get to sleep. And I can't seem to stop writing...
Back in college I met a girl who I lost my virginity to at the age of 18. We went out for a little over a year, breaking up at the beginning of junior year of college. It was 2001.
WHY am I the only one of my friends to have porn-induced ED? Could it be possible they secretly experience the same issues? I mean, I don't think they suspect I'm going through it. We're pretty open, but this is the only the I've ever held back. No. I'm alone in this. They couldn't be. As much support there is here at reuniting.info, it just seems so rare out in the world. Why did it happen to me?
During the first go at the reboot, I didn't have much trouble getting through the first week. Maybe I was just riding the momentum of the discovery of YBOP and the concept of the reboot curing my porn-induced ED. This time around, I'm craving much more. I'm finding triggers everywhere (and in the most benign places). I can't believe I'm saying it, but I would welcome the flat-line phase. The first time around, I did flat-line as far as libido and sensitivity, but I still had tons of energy and wakefulness to get through the day (and more!). I'd like to get back to that point.
Today marks the start of day 5 (round 2).
The past couple of days have been relatively easy, for obvious reasons. The holidays were spent with family - the weekend flew by so fast I didn't have much time to slow down, let alone PMO.
But now that the end of the holidays are closing in, I'm hoping the initial charge of New Year's resolutions will get me through at least a couple of weeks. For now, I just want to take it a day at a time. I just want to make it to the New Year.
So today I had my first real relapse.
Weird thing though - I tried to PMO a second time and I could barely get it up. I guess I was in a flatline period of the reboot, but I thought with the reintroduction of P, I'd be raring to go. The whole experience was kind of just blah. Is that weird?