Today was probably the hardest day of everything so far. I was surprised by the physical hardship inflicted upon my body by my mind. I was extremely irritable, extremely angry for the whole day at nothing in particular -- and I'm usually quite chill. It was my body wasn't getting something, and was rebelling. I should explain further: it was not just a reaction to no PMO, it was a reaction to not checking out or thinking about women AT ALL.
Today was day 13 of no PMO, for which I am still going through flatlining, but I know something is changing, like steering a big oil tanker. However, PMO is not the story for the day.
The story of the day is that today was Day 3 of no "No Thoughts About Girls/No Checking Out Girls". Which basically means no thinking about love, sex, potential love interests, potential lays, sexual or romantic situations, and double-taking girls on the street. Now, if this sounds hard: IT IS. It is very hard to not check out a girls in public. Its hard not to look back at a girl when she looks at you.
I decided to do this because lately I realized that most of my thinking was about 'getting laid'. Or rather, 'why I am not getting laid as much as I want, and how I can remedy that by nailing X, Y or Z and ways I can do that'. Or variations of this thought like: 'did A interaction lead X to like me or not?'. You get the idea. Lately, I felt that this logic and mindset somehow felt wrong, even if I couldn't rationally pick out anything wrong with them.
It was only in the past few days of trying NOT to think about girls, hat I realized that my whole life I was obsessed with girls, always thinking about them. This obsessing made me into their slave. Or rather, it made me a slave to my own mind, which was a slave to a pretty girl. So, on Monday some stuff happened that made me say: ENOUGH was enough. I am sick of feeling like this. This whole structure and system of thought is rotten at its core: I cannot reform it, I can only burn it down. And to start, would do a one-week trial to see what the world would be life if I completely did NOT think about girls, love or getting laid at all. If I miss opportunities, so be it!
Now this had an even greater reaction than no PMO… it was like my body and mind had a visceral reaction to not checking out girls! (or at least, double-taking them, you can't help the first glance) Every few minutes a thought would pop into my head "should I call X" or "how did Y feel about the date" or "what's my next move with Z"… and only when I consciously tried to say STOP THINKING ABOUT IT GODDAMMIT that I realized how pervasive these thoughts were. I would say 80% of my brainpower is committed to getting laid, and only 20% for school, family and career -- these three which, I feel, are BY FAR more successful and positive than my love life.
These thoughts kept popping into my head: this was stupid, you need me! If I don't try to get you laid, you will never get laid! Then you will be too old for all these hot young girls! You will be a failure! You won't be a man! And so on and so forth. But I had to reply to these urges: you may be right, but I said one-week no thinking about girls, and you are going to do as I say. I am the King and you are my subject, not the other way around. At the very minimum, doing this 'no girls' thing is a test of mental discipline.
I had such a conversation in my head for about an hour while on the bus today, staring straight ahead, my body ready to explode and break something. But I held my composure and got off at my stop and felt relieved a little later. Small victories.
Not sure what insights I may have from now until Tuesday (at one-week no girls policy). But I believe that addition to re-wiring my sexual neural pathways from abstaining from PMO, I am also re-writing my brain to tear it from its orbit of Planet "Must Always Think About Get Laid". I don't know what will happen after that, but I've been reading a lot of Tao Te Ching lately. One stanza particularly resonates with my journey, and I suspect, many of yours.
What is rooted is easy to nourish.
What is recent is easy to correct.
What is brittle is easy to break.
What is small is easy to scatter.
Prevent trouble before it arises.
Put things in order before they exist.
The giant pine tree
grows from a tiny sprout.
The journey of a thousand miles
starts from beneath your feet.
Rushing into action, you fail.
Trying to grasp things, you lose them.
Forcing a project to completion,
you ruin what was almost ripe.
Therefore the Master takes action
by letting things take their course.
He remains as calm
at the end as at the beginning.
He has nothing,
thus has nothing to lose.