The First Weeks

Submitted by Alexandra on
Printer-friendly version

I'm afraid I don't know where to start here. It could be useful to know how Greg and I wound up in this situation. I apologize for the length in advance.

I'm 25 and have a fantastic career and have been with my partner a bit over a year now. Though we have always had a wonderful relationship, it has been complicated by sex. In my childhood I experienced a high degree of sexual trauma that I did not acknowledge out loud for the greater portion of my life. My first few attempts at dating were disasters.

I was relieved when I began dating Greg. We were happy together and I was just so happy that this wonderful person wanted to share his life with me. Despite everything that happened when I was younger, I was always sure that there was some way in which I could heal. I tried numerous things but when it came down to it, a very intimate sexual relationship felt impossible. I deeply desired a strong sexual connection but had no idea how to find one. Though there were times I enjoyed sex, even with Greg, making love often left me empty, sad, confused, or even sick. Invasive thoughts would take over and I would completely disconnect from the situation.

These experiences worried Greg greatly. He suggested perhaps that I go to talk to someone, and he would go with me if I wanted. So we did but it ended up being a torturous experience. I did not want to talk about what had happened. That never made sense to me, talking about very painful things. It only led to more pain. I did not need to re-experience those things. So, things got worse for us. He eventually backed off from me sexually and I became frustrated thinking that he did not want me.

The thing that was most difficult for me with sex was the goal of the orgasm. We both wanted nothing more than to please each other that the entire experience was rushed and disconnected. We had defined "great" sex as us both finishing. And even though I could get there, I still had all these awful feelings afterwards.

So I began doing research and heard about this kind of sex. The idea intrigued me but it never seemed reasonable or realistic. And I thought for certain Greg would not go for it. Not having orgasms just seemed to defeat our own definition. But I could not really get the thought out of my head. So I approached him with information, let him look at it, and waiting nervously before he said something. But he didn't say anything right away. We were laying in bed as this happened and I just felt his arms wrap around me and he held me for a few minutes. I knew then that this was the beginning of something.

He expressed his excitement, curiosity, and desire to try this. I told him that he could still orgasm if he wanted to and he looked at me like I was crazy. "I want this too," he told me. And I could tell he really meant it. His reaction made me fall in love with him all over again. I have never felt more understood or cared for in my life.

So we began by not having sex and discontinuing any orgasm. I think this was more difficult for me than it was for him. He was the one encouraging me the whole way to really give this a try. We'd spend time undressed just holding each other, kissing, and touching. I felt completely different and better almost immediately. I began to look forward to these times at night but I felt my desire for him growing rapidly.

Eventually, it happened. We really tried it for the first time. We truly had no idea where the begin, or what exactly to do. Before this we had only ever had sex in the missionary position, but I felt so wonderful that we tried various positions. We just lay still with him inside of me. It was so difficult not to completely release but we were both feeling so serene. I have never felt so present and alive and in control during sex.

What is even better, after awhile, he whispered, "Let's stop here for now." I protested a bit but he just smiled kissed me. "This is the first time, we don't need to rush anything. So we stopped. For some reason...seeing a man show such sexual control was very healing for me. He did not just want to have sex with me to get off. He truly wanted to be with me. He was still hard when he withdrew and afterwards we lay there still undressed just holding each other and kissing.

But words cannot describe how happy I am.



how wonderful

Welcome, welcome! This whole process is very healing, I find. Well, the subtitle of this site is "healing with sexual relationships" and I guess Marnia and Gary were on to something there!

In my relationship, I'm the instigator of the non-orgasmic sexual adventure and it's been about five months for us. My wife just asked me yesterday, yet again, "you really aren't going to have an orgasm?" She just cannot still believe it. I think it's because she doesn't (yet?) get the joy and pleasure that I do out of this, although I believe that will happen in time.

We look forward to snuggle time and do that every day, usually twice a day but if not once a day. Now when we watch TV, we do it cuddling with each other. We have sex about every other day and usually Saturday and Sunday, which we never did before (with such frequency). Each time is different, each teaches me something. I've been with my partner 25 years and I guarantee we have a more active and pleasurable sex life than most people who have been together this long.

So all I can say is, there is a lot to this journey and please participate and ask questions. You might want to go back to some of my early blog posts using the Search feature. Actually this site has a wealth of great posts from other singles and couples who have been in the same adventure that you are starting. And it's been incredibly beneficial to my life. Hope it is to yours.


Sounds like you have a wonderful man there. He seems to "get" what it means to hold space for a woman. Karezza is a wonderful journey of sexual discovery, both of yourself and your partner. Wish you both the best.

Thank you so much for your

Thank you so much for your encouraging words. I truly am so happy to have discovered this way. It has made things so much better for us. It is strange too, conventional sex brought feelings of great shame to me. That was not present with this experience. My mood has also been much better. I am usually stricken with anxiety but now I am so carefree and co-workers, friends, and family have all noticed.

In the back of my mind there is still a very real fear that these wonderful feelings will fall off with time. But I am trying to enjoy them for now..

They stay, do you?

The feelings do not fall off over time but the old patterns and fears will most likely try to reassert themselves. If you pay attention to when they do you can see them for what they are, old patterns and brain pathways you're familiar with. Just stay on track by including bonding behaviors and excluding orgasms. Its really that simple, plus some time for it to settle in. Figure about six month to really retrain your brain and body.

I think Greg

deserves the "Sweetheart of the Year" award for his open mind and masterful piloting.

My theory is that even a few weeks of consistency can really soothe the anxious primitive parts of the brain. Then the fallout from the occasional inadvertent orgasm is often noticeably less. (They do sneak up on most folks once in a while.) See what you notice.

Here's another thought. It may be that it's the neurochemical "hit" after orgasm that brings up the uncomfortable feelings, rather than deep psychological issues that need work. I'm not saying counseling can't also be useful sometimes...just that post-O neurochemical swings often shape perception in ways we hadn't realized. Did you see this article?

"Women: Does Orgasm Give You a Hangover?"

Thanks for sharing your story. Men also often find they like the "no performance pressure" approach to lovemaking.

That is a great article,

That is a great article, thank you for sharing. It resonates with me...

Yes, I agree, he does deserve such an award. I think he does enjoy the no performance pressure aspect. I just expected this to be much more difficult for him, but he has had no problem to this point. I feel weird. My body feels like it is in a constant state of anticipation now. Not sure what to make of that!

I am having such a great experience on here learning all that I can about this and reading others experiences. I am so happy that such a place exists...thank you all!

Don't worry about

the constant state of anticipation. Things will settle down with time. Just enjoy the buzz. Smile

It's great to have you. I'm looking forward to adding your input to the Karezza Korner page for others in similar situations, but I'll wait until you give it a bit more time so I can include further insights.

I am certainly happy to be

I am certainly happy to be here and thank you for making a place like this possible. I am more and more fascinated and convinced with every experience I read beyond my own.

And I look forward to sharing more here as I gain more experience with this. :)