The Story Of Someone Afraid Of Intimacy

Submitted by Allowing on
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Hello again.

Time to put some effort into sharing my thoughts and continuing the journey.
Please forgive my honesty and length in this I write, I want to be absolutely sincere about my life (given the anonymity on the internet).

A brief summary: Male, age 35, never been in a relationship, live alone, virgin, puberty began somewhat 'late' (had my first orgasm at 15), and started masturbating through fantasy, porn magazines, and eventually porn on the internet.

Developed fetishes that I acted out at age 17-22 (probably when my testosterone and dopamine was at its highest?) and continued watching porn/pictures throughout my 20s. Would create 'skillful' computer paintings with myself and girls (photoshops) to fuel my fantasies.

In my early life I never really "longed" for a girlfriend: I would pleasure myself with masturbating/hardcore exercise/strict diet regimens to make my life interesting. I began buying pills (supplements) to improve my orgasms.

I would participate in the occasional drunk night out in town with friends from school/work, but to this day I have never actively spontaneously "hit on" a girl I liked, in a genuine manner.

Through my jobs I have had "crushes" on co-workers, but they would have boyfriends, and even though the attraction might've been mutual I'd never ask a girl out. Fear of rejection or fear of intimacy? Buttom line: It would NEVER have happened.

A few times I've been "offered" sex when out in town with "the guys", but I would politely distract the offer, and I (unfortunately) haven't been raped yet.. :)

In hindsight, I honestly wasn't attracted to them, I'm only attracted to certain kinds of faces/bodies. Otherwise I feel nothing "down there". Horrible, but true. Maybe because of my whacked brain from all the porn.

In my late 20s I finally began missing that special someone in my life and the intimacy with another human being.
I discovered reuniting in 2007-09, I'm not sure?, and read up on how much masturbation CAN affect someones life (and brain), and I started (tried) giving up on it.

I felt the crushing effects, and I began using pleasurable foods/drinks/caffeine/supplements to cope with this new situation. In hindsight they probably prolonged the "detox" from mastubation, but this day I don't CRAVE the daily wank and I'm not "addicted" to porn.
I have gone several months without ejaculations, and then I've had them in my sleep (nocturnal emissions).

The first year was very hard and I began feeling VERY lonely, but I still couldn't actively show my interest in girls.

As I've said I'm not interestet in porn anymore (maybe natures way; declining testosterone and other hormones) and recently I've tried "analyzing" why I'm not even stoked about "getting it in", in fact I suspect I'm afraid of the vagina. Crazy as it sounds.

I AM attracted to girls/women, but it's more a desire to kiss/cuddle, stroke their beautiful faces/bodies, and to experience romance with someone that turns you on. I don't want a platonic friend, I'm surrounded by women in my work and occasionally have a coffee out and I enjoy the company and the small talk with women.

So, recently I found a "someone" on the internet and I had my first real date at age 34. Jesus christ the ultimate late bloomer. :)
I felt *some* connection and we talked for hours and I felt she was ready for more, but AGAIN I "ended" it with a polite hug, and told her that we should see each other again.
She might've felt rejected since she wanted more that night?, I don't know, but she told me she couldn't make it for the next date I proposed, and I got immaturely insulted and deleted all her txts and information on my phone, and didn't contact her again.

So............ here I am, 2012. The virginity is starting to bothering me, I'm beginning to feel "weird" when I talk with people my age about sex in general (I have NEVER told anyone I'm a virgin) as I honestly don't know how it feels to have real sex. And, as mentioned, the sex ACT is not even attracting to me anymore. BEING with a girl is, though.

Women I'm interestet in, WANT TO have sex, and if I push them away, I'm never "learning" how to love the vagina as well as the woman. :) You can't just go up to a girl and say "HEY! you want to cuddle for 6 months, so I can be comfortable enough to escalate from there".

I've thought about visiting a hooker to discharge the tension and "get it over with". You as a reader may disagree, but being a 35 year old virgin, living in modern society, and NEVER having touched a girl intimately (I have kissed a couple times in a drunken state) is a HUGE mental blocker.
I probably couldn't get erected given the "shame". I even plan to take some erectile drugs to ensure I don't "fail". But Im 'still to afraid to pursue a hooker, and eventually the vagina, so might be a couple more months.....

So, is this really a story about being a hermit and virgin for life? Hopefully not, since giving up PMO, I feel the longing for female CONTACT intensifies and may eventually override my fear of rejection.

A closing remark: I've haven't been active on this site, busy with life and work, but I've read a little in Marnia's newest book, and I'm trying to understand my fear of the intimacy. I understand the fear of rejection may be partly rooted in being shameful about needing affection (I've read John Bradshaws work). Some men may be afraid of having sex, but it usually passes once they hit 16.... :).

I'm actually looking forward to the future and I have a feeling that I actually might meet someone special someday.

Thanks for reading, and maybe some of you can relate to some of it. I apologize for the "rambling" in places, I just wrote all this down pretty fast.
Please ask any Q's if there's something you don't understand. I have browsed the yourbrainonporn and reuniting sites, so I'm familiar with the basics about this issue.


Spiritualhealing1988 wrote:

[quote=Spiritualhealing1988]But it doesn't work because there is no feelings involved.[/quote]

Thx for your comments. I don't expect the escort to "solve" my problems, and automatically land me an affectionate relationship.
However at my age being a virgin I'm starting to feel "disconnected" to the female body, and maybe EXPERIENCING intercourse would relieve that anxiety? I don't know, I'm not really having any doubts that it's eventually a "hooker", more that I have to open myself up to another human being.

It's not the healthy thing to do, but I just can't see myself being intimate with someone I meet otherwise because of the fear of the unknown. :(

"Women I'm interestet in,

"Women I'm interestet in, WANT TO have sex, and if I push them away, I'm never "learning" how to love the vagina as well as the woman. :)"
This made me chuckle.
You're right, they do WANT TO have sex, but not all of them want to do it so soon. Nothing is wrong with a little hug at the end of a first date, most of my first dates end that way and for the most part I'm always successful having more dates if I'm interested. The whole getting insulted and erasing texts, and I'm sure you may have unknowingly made it apparent to her how pissed you were, is definitely not good, but I think you realize that now and hopefully won't make that mistake again. Just like you feel pressure about sex, alot of people, women included, may feel pressure to jump into a relationship to soon. You just have to slow down.

At first, I kind of agreed with your escort idea but then I thought about it and Spirtualhealing is right, it will not be even close to the same as having sex with someone you like (or even kind of like.) Like you said, you may even get nervous with that and then not only have you wasted your money but you may be even harder on yourself if you fail. Trust me, there are plenty of women out there who will be patient with you...but you do have to go out there. I'm not saying hit on every girl that makes eye contact but you have got to "try" and take more initiative. It would be great if women were supposed to be the overt aggressor in starting a relationship but they are actually a lot more covertly aggressive than you think, you just have to see the signs they put out there.

I think is you've truly kicked your PMO habit you will probably see the signs more clearly. If you're still in your "fog" then you are probably walking around feeling sorry for yourself and missing all of the social cues women may be throwing out you. You won't die a hermit. Don't worry about vagina, it does feel great, much better than masturbation, but you can't dwell on it. Don't put the cart before the horse, do not think about the vagina until you are actually dating the girl. Women are not running around trying to put their vaginas on you, usually they are a little more reserved than that :). If the woman you are about to have first time sex with is cool (hopefully she should be if you've gotten that far) she'll be just fine with you being a virgin. Try and not stress about things that are not even in your life yet.

Thx for your reply,

Thx for your reply, theprodigalsun - the problem is i DO go out there, I have a social network, and sometimes "hit the town", I just have to get it in my stupid mind I have to ALLOW a connection to happen, instead of preventing it. It's like it's a habit now to me after ~20 years of nothing.

"she'll be just fine with you being a virgin."

I'm not sure. She will be surprised, for sure. I'm not saying I'm a special person (a freak), it's just a REALLY rare phenomenon.

"So, how many relationships you've been in?"


edit: I know, I shouldn't speculate about this and that. And who cares what she'd think? But, It's just so surreal to me.

More than allow.

Isn't allow a form of "why not" thinking? Erich Fromm talks about this in The Art of Being. Why not is whim. Why is will. Will is based on activity, whim on passivity. It's more useful to focus on why thinking. See part of this from the book in the post at

What is stopping you from wanting a connection such that you don't feel allowing is the issue?

What if she's not fine with your virginity? It seems such a person might not be for you.

are you afraid of the

are you afraid of the commitment - do you think to yourself "what if it doesn't work out"? Is that what is holding you back on some level ? If so, I think women are good at picking up on that. Many might be concerned that once you have the virginity "out of your system" your priorities may change.

Are you meeting women with whom you have a good intellectual, psychological connection, to whom you are also attracted ?

We had a virgin who was older than you here

and he found a partner and still lives with her as far as I know. She wasn't judgmental about him at all...and thinks he's extremely attractive. What seems like a big deal to you may not be a big deal for a partner. In fact, she's likely to have some issues of her own.

Here's his blog:

Find someone you can talk to, and give her some time. There will be lots of reasons to turn tail, so prepare to be generous of spirit. It's easy to project old fears onto new partners.

Only you can decide if seeing a hooker will help you. We're not in your shoes. Sometimes there's even value in seeing that what seemed like a great idea...wasn't so great in the end.

Bottom line: It's your laboratory. You plan the experiments.

Slow as your progress may be in your's still magnificent progress. Bravo.

*big hug*

Returning. Thank God for this site.

I think you just need to stay cool when you're with chicks. It doesn't matter whether you're a virgin or not.
If you say and do the right things, you can have the ladies you want most of the time.
You should check and get their free ebook. It comes down to understanding that "Attraction is not a choice" for men or women. You can do the right things that make a woman attracted to you. Being a virgin is irrelevant.
Don't get too hung up on it.

You sound like a very disciplined person - which is good. Relax, read the book and change your life.

Something doesn't seem right

Something doesn't seem right about the common notion that virgin sex sucks. Sure, one isn't an expert, but so what. Many things are decent enough the first time and sometimes better. It seems that the minority are just too vocal while ignoring the obvious such as neither partner being comfortable with the situation or that the non-virgin partner was 50% or more due to her experience of the lousy encounter.

Hi there,

Hi there,

i really shocked while reading all this. Amazed to see that I'm not the only one who is facing this problem, though i am just 23 but the scenario and the feelings are just same.
I'm also very thankful to all those who have understand and given their precious advice. Now i think that i have to take some serious actions, coz like the author "allowing" i also thought that i will find somebody somewhere sometime but after reading all this i got to know this will never gonna happen untill i make the first move.

For the site owners :- you guys are doing a really noble job.

please pardon my English coz i'm not native English speaker

i remember

when i was in this situation when i was younger. My thoughts were, "she's going to know that i'm new at this because i won't know what to do with my penis etc." or "she's going to know that i'm new to this because i ejaculate too fast." These were fears and looking back i now believe some had to due with the fallout from too much mb but also they could have been just newbie fears. The first girl i slept with i didn't tell i was a virgin until after having sex (which ended pretty quickly). I was so embarrassed that it ended so quickly, that i confessed to her that i had never done this before. To my amazement she told me that if i hadn't said anything she wouldn't have known (i naturally gravitated toward kissing her and foreplay before intercourse)(perhaps other guys she had been with didn't ?- at least that is what i gathered at the time).

The moral of my story i believe is that we think that the other person is going to JUDGE us and it's because we are actually judging ourselves. I felt relieved that she felt satisfied despite the quickness of my ejaculation but we were in college and she was not interested in a relationship and then i had wished that i had held out for something more (lasting relationship) than just experiencing what it was like to ejaculate inside of a woman.

Finally, remember the old baseball analogy of getting to different bases. Perhaps you are trying to hit the homerun when you might find some relief in just thinking about finding a woman whose company you enjoy. Then someday when the moment is right you kiss her. That might lead to making out. And if she wants to make out she may be interested in wanting more. And if you think that she might be liking the kissing you may want to try other things and so on and so forth...

by the way, maybe you could reframe the labeling of who and what you are? what would it be like not to give yourself a label even if that label comes from society. What would be like if you were running your own race? What would it be like some wonderful amazing woman thinks you're the greatest grandest prize because you're a virgin?

done4now wrote:

[quote=done4now]what would it be like not to give yourself a label even if that label comes from society. What would be like if you were running your own race? What would it be like some wonderful amazing woman thinks you're the greatest grandest prize because you're a virgin?[/quote]


Fantastic, I love this. Thank you!

Hi allowing. I just read your

Hi allowing. I just read your blog entry. Don't know if it would be helpfull to get a woman's perspective, but I felt like I could really connect to a lot that you are saying

Although 10 years younger than you, I am also a virgin. I discovered this site around 2009, when I needed guidance to understand why masturbation and oragam felt like an addiction to me despite many powerful woman voices encouraging sexual liberation and exploration through self pleasure.

Like you, I've also begun to feel very lonley in my life. Although I occasionally slip back into bad habits, I hoped that by now, given how much I've cut back on unhealthy habits in the last three or four years that I would have had better luck in the relationship department.

But i have yet to experience a relationship with any man up to this point. I have dated just a small handfull up to this point in my life ( I can count them on my fingers) and they don't work out beyond the first few meetings

In the brief and few encounters I've had with men including a very recent guy, I've found that there tends to be a conflict around the area of sexuality - it almost feels like a power struggle to me. With the most recent guy, I've come to feel that he just wants to "get it in" and he even asked me if I was a virgin the last time we hung out. When I asked him why he wanted to know, that it wasn't really relevant at this point (perhaps that offended him) he actually told me he was trying to "get into my psyche" which for me translated into trying to understand me in relation to his sexual goals.

I personally don't feel that there's anything wrong with wanting to take it very very slow. Maybe because I have somesort of hang up around sexuality... I find myself becoming resentfull when a mans touches and behaviors become sexual prematurely. Somehow it makes me feel used. Maybe because of my own intimacy issues It will take me much longer to establish enough trust to want to become sexual with a man. Personally I think I would love to just cuddle affectionately for severall months on a regular basis without any sort of sexual activity.

I would love to be sexually intimate, however, only within the confines of an exclusive commited relationship where trust has already been established.

It's great to know that there are men who out there who are ok with just cuddling. Your story has made me feel a little less alone

It's fine to take it slowly

And it's fine that he thinks he would like to go faster. Both are perfectly normal. In such a situation, the slower partner is obviously setting the pace, and the other person has to make his own choices. Whatever choice he makes, don't take it personally. Your choice is still perfectly fine.

And, if ever the tables are turned in this, or a future relationship, remember to respect the other person's pace.

It's frustrating when timing and goals don't mesh right from the start, but it's not necessarily hopeless.

*big hug*

If your susceptible to

If you're susceptible to feelings of shame, I would not use a hooker. Basically, the shame of having used one is probably greater than being a virgin. I'm still trying to come to terms with my use of them in my teens and early 20's. It's not a lot of fun. It's really not baggage that you want to deal with.

I relate

I relate a lot to this story. I'm 38 and not a virgin but I've only had sexual contact with a few women. And there really was no intimacy involved each time--although when I was drunk it felt like there was. Anyway I was so embarrassed at my ineptitude I'd try to overcompensate, then simply run out of ideas, then shame myself and give up for long periods of time. I think my story's more common than I figured a few years ago but it makes much less difference now.

I've always felt intimacy was weird and that that made me seem weird to people. I felt like my parents were extremely uncomfortable when girls from school would call me at home so I thought it was wrong and just abandoned the idea until college where I had my first date. Intimacy was just not a part of my experience growing up. I really felt emotionally abandoned and hurt by this for a long long time. Actually finding this forum three years ago and reading people's stories encouraged me to at least try to date more and then finally seek face-to-face help. I'm not dating yet and don't really look forward to it at this point but my life has changed a lot and I'm so grateful for that.

Have you read this article?

I think that a lot of what people (who have been glued to screens for years) are missing is just basic knowledge of how attachment works. This knowledge is like a "secret" that helps you make others feel more at ease with you, and you more at ease with them. The Lazy Way to Stay in Love | Reuniting

Do you work out? Exercise can improve brain balance, which also makes some guys feel bolder and more charismatic.

When I gave up masturbation I

When I gave up masturbation I began running long distances for the first time in my life (age 36). I completed a marathon in 2012, and I was a person who avoided running the mile back in school in PE class. I'm definitely sold. My fear of women I'm sexually attracted to is dissipating slowly but surely. I'm working a recovery program to address the attachment issues too.