It's been a while since my last post, thought I was due for an update. I've been doing better and feeling better overall. Well other then the whole addiction thing but yeah my progress has been a slow climb upward. I feel a whole lot better about myself. Im taking a communication class in college, interpersonal communications and I think this class has helped me make these changes. It's interesting how what we think, say and here what other people say about us shapes our perceptions, and limitations of ourselves and how we believe all of this. I've been thinking positively the past week or 2 and it's really like looking at life through a new set of eyes (besides cravings and withdrawls and stuff).
I PMO'd twice tonight. I was four days porn free, and I did resist for a few hours prior. I took a nap but that didn't help. Woke up found a loophole on my phone... then fixed it. Then after everyone went to bed i went on the computer, found yet another loophole around k9... sadly im good at finding loopholes in the matrix- k9 porn blocker but i suppose that we all kinda would be, being addicted and such. I've had a bunch of streaks of less then a week or so the past monthwith a couple binges here and there. When I do its very difficult for me to communicate with other people, let alone approach women and shit.
Still I fight on. I think that i'm having trouble because I isolate and try to do all of this by myself. There's a lot of turmoil going on within me when I dont feel apathetic and empty, just a cocktail of emotions. It boils over and I end up releapsing... I've told my parents, a number of my friends and an ex-girlfriend but they never really understood what it was that im going through, what addiction does to a person. I've tried to get them to watch the ybop.com videos and stuff, tried to explain how it feels but idk I could never really get past the social context of addiction, like someone who drinks to much, and when they drink they can't stop. How they feel like they become a different person. But I cant get them to relate to what happens to the person, the science behind it and how it makes the person, me, feel. Or not feel. It makes them uncomfortable. One of my friends, who's 21 like me, is an alcohalic and he understands and he's good to talk to but at the same time he's just as self-destructive as me and when he binges he needs time to himself to sort things out
In the past, when i've come on reuniting, everytime I break my streak and watch porn I feel like, I dunno I don't want to admit what I've done and I walk away. I think that I feel like I've failed by PMOing or something. I don't know maybe im just overthinking everything.
Anyways I think ima try to stay in touch this time because I could use the help. That and so that the next time I post it won't be so damn long :p I'm going to a show on Tuesday. I seeing the Mad Caddies, one of my favorite bands and I really hope that because I binged today I won't feel like shit during the show. And while I probably won't be having sex or cuddling for a while I can at least Mosh, which is awesome.
^^^this is one of their songs, about trying to be sober. Yeah. Good luck to everyone :) WE CAN DO THIS!!!