This comment of Rachel's (from a previous blog entry) has stayed on my mind. It's quite the koan for me. Thanks Rachel for giving it to me.
If you can stay aware of the beautiful being or self inside you and also look through other people's "forms" in your daily life and try to feel their beautiful being inside (whether they are showing it or not), I think it will make you feel less separate from others and will also allow an attracting light to shine out of you. And then, that one-ness with others might lead to finding a partner because you are no longer in your head.
I have trouble being aware of the beautiful being in me when my body hurts. My mind oscillates between utter despair and intense rage. Doing my self-healing practices (Reiki, Quantum Touch) helps alot. It's like I'm taking the place of the mother who isn't/wasn't there and giving the newborn me the loving energy he needs. When it works and the pain dissipates, I start to get the impression that I can be the loving mother I need. It's a relief.
Other people are more challenging. I think deep down I've seen people as murderers either by commission or omission. It fits with my youth. I grew up with the shadow of death very close to me. My mother's life was profoundly affected by major deaths in her family when I was very very young. Our family structure and culture didn't really give me a chance to get upset at her or look for the basic support I needed elsewhere. My father's career as a senior NATO military officer in the 1970's placed him as part of the people who were ready to destroy all life on earth many times over to play a political game. Since he was such a fine man and his career highly celebrated, it's been hard for me to come to terms with the reality of it. There's a twistedness to the psycho-emotional aspects of it and a coldness in the lack of touch. Recently, as I've been experiencing the difficulties related to the social aspects of healing myself, I've seen how little my life seems to matter to most people. I've been working on finding a sleeping partner (recommended to me by three credible sources over the years) for 8 years now. I've only had one very brief (3 nights) taste of it in that time. It certainly isn't for lack of trying. Getting over my resentment has been a big job as I flounder around with other less effective approaches to healing.
In these last few days, as I'm pulling into myself more strongly and responding to pain by giving my body the healing touch it needs by myself, I'm starting to see how attached I've been to the needy infant in me. It's quite immature, but hey, what to do?... I'm human too! As I take on the responsibility to touch myself and run loving energy into the parts of me that hurt, I feel like I'm becoming a mother to myself and taking over where my mother left off. I'm even starting to feel a little grateful that people have pushed me to this point. I'm also seeing more strongly the place of peace within myself and seeking less strongly for it outside myself. If I can avoid a major flare-up of illness, it could set the foundation for a much healthier way of being at a very deep level. I'm getting glimpses of people as helpers in my efforts to be stronger, more mature, and more conscious in spite of their apparent indifference to my suffering. I guess my expectation that "of course people would be interested in helping me heal by sleeping with me as a partner in healing" was quite unrealistic.
Thanks for your help in this phase of my journey!