I've had some insights that I want to share with you.
Recently, as I've been struggling with stabilizing my health in response to some very clear social triggers, I've been seeing the way I generally judge men and women more clearly. It seems that this has connections to the way I judged my parents and as I update my perception of them, things that were fuzzy in the past are becoming clearer.
A long time ago, as I was participating in a group consciousness exercise that was very cathartic, I apparently screamed: "You are murdering me!". I have no memory of it, but I trust the facilitator's observation (It was a very chaotic exercise). When asked who I was referring to, I could not say. I didn't know, yet it seemed to fit somehow.
Very early in this life, I think I put my mother, and hence all women, on a pedestal. I chose to overlook her shortcomings in order to manipulate the remnants of her love that I needed to survive under very challenging circumstances for us all. It seems to have worked! I've survived! And I think it came at a huge cost. Recently, I've recognized that my mother thinks that Love simply happens because you are biologically related. No work or effort needed at all! She also confuses it with sex pretty regularly. This has profound implications for the emotional life of a newborn child who is unable to seek support elsewhere. My mind is getting an update from many years ago. The subtlety of her ego trips is truly remarkable. They've had me convinced all these years! This has got me to fully pull away from seeking her support and looking more strongly and more deeply for Love within myself. Off the pedestal she goes! It's a relief. Probably for both of us!
There are consequences in my perspective of men too. Since we were all competing for my mother's attention as the sole source of life giving nurturance, he became the bad guy/ the competition very early on! It was easy for me to frame him that way, but did nothing to promote an atmosphere of peace and harmony. Too bad that he didn't have the capacity to physically and emotionally nurture a newborn boy himself. But then again, not a lot of men do. The murderer piece has been more difficult for me to see despite it's obviousness to a conscious observer. Military personnel are paid murderers (My father was a senior military officer by the time I entered high school). It's what they do for a living. It's tremendously confusing if you are inside that world because, my father, in many ways, was a model man. He was a devoted father, family man and husband. He earned a good living. He took us into nature and travelling quite regularly. He was celebrated by his nation, his friends, his wife and most of his large extended family. I'm seeing that the murder mentality is throughout my family of birth. There's a subtle culture of death throughout it. The military has poisoned us all. I'm seeing this more clearly as I work to fully heal my body and keep myself alive. Perhaps that's what my body has been trying to tell me all these years: "These people are nuts!". So it pushes me into some very extreme situations to get my attention, see them more clearly, and wake up!
My father was doing what he thought was needed in this world. And perhaps, at that time, it was. Perhaps we needed people ready to destroy all life on earth 7 times over to wake us up to our collective insanity. He certainly helped with that. It mustn't have been easy to play such an obviously destructive role. It must have been particularly hard in that his connection to his eldest son (me) was not so easy or comfortable. So I'm taking him out of the dog house, celebrating the good parts of him and grieving the pain of it all. It's been extremely painful to reject the man in me.
Even though the pain I feel seems very personal to me, I don't believe that that is true. Men, for a very long time, have taken the role of hero, warrior, and protector very seriously. We have died by the millions for it and committed horrendously violent acts. Without consciously knowing it, my father simply showed me the insanity of it all a little more clearly than most. For that, I am truly grateful. He played that role extremely well. I hope that, in some mysterious way, he is able to read this, know it, or feel it somehow. His life was cut short. There is a good chance that the murderer, in his case, was his career. I want to bless him, in spite of (and perhaps because of) the pain of it all.