How to find a partner.

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Submitted by Arnold on
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Here's an interesting exerpt I found in a book by Robert Holden called " Loveability".

Robert is describing a conversation he had with a teenage friend (Adam) who seemed to have more luck with the girls:

"Adam, how do you do it?"
"Do what?"
"How is it that you get all the girls, and I don't?"
"Don't you know?"
"No," I said.
"It's easy."
"Tell me then."
"I love myself."
"Is that it?" I asked?
"Yeah," he said, "And you don't love yourself, Robert. Not yet, anyway."

pgs:40-41from: Holden, Robert. 2012. "Loveability". Hay House Inc. 219pp. ISBN: 978-1-4019-4162-8

Food for thought?

It certainly got me thinking. Smile


Self-love being a necessary

Self-love being a necessary condition to loveability is somewhat controversial. I can't recall where I read something interesting about this arguing against this increasingly mainstream view. Which comes first, self-love or loveabilty? Do babies love themsleves?


Hi Freedom,

I'm not sure if self-love is a necessary condition to loveability or not, but it's interesting to me that there is potentially a link. I'm looking for ways to pursue more love in my life. Most times that I venture into the community with this objective (supporting others), I get hammered pretty thoroughly. I'm very sensitive to aggression that is considered completely normal and acceptable and react to it very intensely. Apparently my body/mind needs some support which is, with the very rare exception, not available outside of a couple of professionals in this community. So if self-love can contribute to my love life in general, then why not? I can't see how being gentler on myself, my body and mind could be hurtful while I keep my eyes open for social contexts which my bodymind might actually be able to tolerate and perhaps even thrive?

Do babies love themselves? Hmmm. I think that babies do their best to care for themselves in situations where they have very little power to influence others and very little awareness of what's actually going on in the big picture. They seem far more accepting of their bodies and their bodily needs than we are later in life. They don't seem to have much of a problem with emotional expression either. Is that self-love? They seem to be doing better in these two departments than I am. Their minds aren't yet developed. Perhaps if they knew what developing it would entail, they might be a little more careful with it. And then again, maybe that's our job later in life once we've experienced it.

There is a perspective I've heard that talks about loving yourself until your cup overflows (on others). Osho talked quite strongly about taking care of oneself first. Most organized religions talk about serving others as a form of honorable sacrifice (saints do it all the time). If you look into many ideologically based religions, you will find that selfishness is bad, self-lessness is good. Self-Love isn't really considered at all. I think that the key is in how we experience ourselves. If we believe ourselves to be separate then the whole will suffer when we do well (and vice-versa). So if your focus is on others (as many spiritual traditions urge), then you will want to be as small a burden as possible. Taken to the extreme, why not feed our bodies to the poor suffering wild animals? There is certainly no lack of human bodies around. On the other hand, if there is no separation, then any effort to love serves both the whole and ourselves, regardless of where it is directed. Perhaps much of our service to others has hidden expectations attached to it which poisons the love. I know that mine certainly did.

Thanks for your comment. It's pushed me to consider this more deeply.

Self love

I'm just not sure about that term as it's been used in so many different ways in pop psychology, don't you think?

If you can stay aware of the beautiful being or self inside you and also look through other people's "forms" in your daily life and try to feel their beautiful being inside (whether they are showing it or not), I think it will make you feel less separate from others and will also allow an attracting light to shine out of you. And then, that one-ness with others might lead to finding a partner because you are no longer in your head.

I try to go through my daily life the same way I go through karezza~~in a state of surrender and awe and connectedness with others and just let life flow as it's going to flow anyway~~whilst staying out of my thoughts and brain (being in the moment and really feeling other people's presence).

To me, self-love almost seems like it's too much thinking and trying to achieve something. I try to just be and not have negative nor positive thoughts about myself other than how good my body and my essence feels from the inside out.

Isn't what you describe more

Isn't what you describe more a watching self be rather than directing self toward loving, hating, being lovable, etc? Perhaps awareness leading to loveability doesn't sell as well. One need be aware one is being loved to being loveable, at least from the recipient's perspective.


In my understanding, Fromm's description of the attitude constellation crucial to what he is calling "Self-love" fits quite well for me. There is an element of watching in his stuff (respect and knowledge) and an element of relating (care and responding). It seems to me he's describing a marriage between awareness and love.

I think in the past I've become too much of a 'watcher'. Watching my body fall apart is a form of masochism. I don't think it has anything to do with love at all. I have certainly been guilty of that pattern in the past. I'm hoping that I'm breaking out of it.

Feeling self

I think I would describe it as a feeling self~~just allowing yourself to get out of your head and into your body and trying to feel others the same way (as beings with a beautiful light inside rather than making thought judgements about their exterior bodies and/or their unconscious behavior). And it's not just other humans that you can have that one-ness with, it's all living things (trees, flowers, animals, etc.).

Feeling Self


I can understand that. What I'm talking about certainly has a strong element of feeling to it. I also respond to the sensations I feel. So when my belly hurts, rather than simply freaking out and wondering where "Mommy" has gone (It's more or less what my mind does) and simply watching the nightmare as it happens, I put my hands on the pain and run energy through them (a la Quantum Touch and/or Reiki). It's hugely reassuring for me. It seems to work too. The pain leaves or moves somewhere else.

I haven't really got to the point where I can do that with other people yet, but you are giving me some ideas. Maybe I'll send some healing energy their way, once I've a better handle on my belly.

Thanks for the idea! Smile


Hi Rachel,

I'm not sure how the term is used in general. I'm just somewhat relieved at the effect it is having on me. The stress of having to relate to a culture where the only place for "love" is within the context of a heterosexual relationship is just too much for my body. I suspect this is mostly a man's dilemma. Women generally have more avenues to explore love open to them.

I don't find self-love too much thinking at all. It's very physical for me. It's helping me remember the importance of my attitude towards my body, and how it communicates with me. It also helps me gain a little distance from my mind. It's important for me to remember to love them first before I try to get love from a woman or anyone else. The times recently that I've explored community have triggered major health problems in me. It's like I'm reaching out into a war zone. The only place I've felt comfortable and safe in a social setting in the last months was a one-time event hosted by an agency that specializes in helping women recover from abuse. There is no other local organization that I've found that does the same for men and they only provide one on one counseling for men. No groups.

Other than one friend, the men I've connected with have no interest in healing at this level at all. They either have a woman or want one.

Fromm, in his book on love, described my early childhood situation very clearly. It seems to me that before my body can tolerate most social settings, I'm going to have to pay attention to what it wants and needs very closely. I really wish that I could see the beautiful being inside myself and others. When I'm touch starved, and am spending much of my time in the bathroom, it doesn't seem to happen. Professionals help a little. It would be nice if I could find some sense of a healthy community too.

I hope this helps you understand my use of this term a little better.


Safety is a thought, is it not? So is fear. The only thing that isn't a thought is love (real love) and love comes from within and you don't need an exclusive partner to feel it. It's always inside of you.

I hope you can get sorted out and start to relax in your body so you can get out in the world and find some connections, Arnold! I'm rooting for you~~

Erich Fromm on self-love

As I've been reading Erich Fromm's "The Art of Loving", I've come across his piece on self-love. He is very clear that self-love is a necessary condition to Love (his word for loveability?). He quotes Meister Eckhart on page 57, " If you love yourself, you love everybody else as you do yourself." He also talks about the difference between selfishness, self-lessness and self-love: "Selfishness and self-love, far from being identical are actually opposites."
On the "unselfish", he says, " he is paralyzed in his capacity to love or enjoy anything..."

I'm enjoying reading his book immensely and highly recommend it to anyone who shares my interest in love in all its forms (including erotic love). His description on parenting and the effect on children is tremendously revealing to me.

Just thought I'd pass it on my discoveries. Smile

My favourite conception of

My favourite conception of love is that it is what happens when you feel "anchored" to someone in a way that allows you to develop and flourish as a person - and that also gives you strong feelings of safety and security. Once someone provides you with these (initially self serving) positive feelings, you begin directing them away from yourself and to the provider - and you fall in love.

On this account self love is not needed to be loved - however, loving yourself probably does make it easier to be a person that can provide the traits I've listed.