As I've been working on healing my body without the prop of the most toxic of the medications that I've had to take in the past, a number of insights around the source of my illness have come to mind.
One of them has bothered me quite a bit in the past. I seem to be very sensitive to the way sexual politics plays itself out in most social gatherings. When I run into a trigger, the effect on my energy and body can be intense. Part of the challenge is that it often takes a day or two to fully surface to my awareness. Another part of the challenge is that open communication about the way we unconsciously communicate at this level is basically zero and not welcome. A third part is that in the vast majority of social settings I attend (including gatherings related to healing), the "battle of the sexes" is seen as normal and unchangeable. The anger in many women and the fear in most men is intense and generally unexpressed. There is only one small gathering that I attend that has an objective related to bringing peace at this level. It's a precious exception to the rule.
So I've decided that in the absence of a clear objective related to healing the spiritual, emotional, physical and psychological aspects of sexual health, I'm just going to stay away from most social gatherings. The stress is too great and I'm not strong enough to negotiate the war zone. I still have to take care of survival needs (like work or shopping for food), but otherwise I think the break from most people will do me good. I think it will be good for me to explain why I'm shying away too. The need for change in my life is clear.
It's going to be an interesting year.