Just thought I'd fill you in on a few small things that have been happening recently that could prove to be much larger breakthroughs for me in the long run. I think it started when I was introduced recently to Lucia Capacchione's work "The Power of the Other Hand". It seems that writing out inner dialogues with both hands is having a balancing effect on my mind and emotions. It makes sense to me that it would help harmonize male and female energies within myself. It also seems to be helping me connect much more strongly with my own body.
I've been noticing that my ability to say "No" to the toxic stuff in women is getting stronger. I had an experience recently where I was given a book by my mother that had some very disturbing stuff laced into it related to the sexual victimization of a man by an entire culture. The story itself was very interesting (the history of the creation of the Oxford English Dictionary), but the main protagonist's life was brutal. The connections to my own life were too close for comfort. It gave me some insight into my mother's mental world and where the toxicity I've endured likely comes. Some of my more recent dialoguing is about letting go of my connection to her world view.
I've also seen that her ability to nurture physically through touch and food, and to create a warm-hearted emotional environment, and include "people" in her spiritual interests are all quite limited to absent. All of these are crucial to early childhood development particularly in times of high (death related) stress. Part of my recent changes has been to make a very concerted effort to nurture my own body. I dialogue in writing (with both hands) with it every day now in order to reassure it and make a healthier connection to it. I also do some Reiki on my belly every evening. It's essentially my efforts at re-mothering myself having seen very clearly the limits to my biological mother's abilities.
Today I went to an event hosted by the Elizabeth Fry Society (they have been very helpful to me. A trauma therapist there introduced me to Lucia Capacchione's work). It was a first for me. Among other things, they were showing part of a PBS series called: "Half the sky". It's a video documentary about successful efforts to empower girls and women (see: http://www.halftheskymovement.org/pages/film). There were some vivid depictions of the sex trade in Asia as well as efforts to help the victimized girls recover. My emotional response to it was strong: a release of repressed emotional pain. In a strange way, I felt at home. Even though, what I've lived is much much subtler, the effects have been no less disastrous. It was a little like I was seeing revealed a reality which I know too well and yet fear to talk about. It doesn't happen to boys right? particularly when the most directly hurtful party is his mother who is clearly saintly and when done subtly with good intentions in a culture that doesn't question it. I also noticed some subtle resistance to change in me. Overall the event was reassuring to me. It felt safe and warm-hearted. Something I don't experience all that often.
I was also pouring over a book today by Thomas Ashley Ferrand on the power of mantra. Miten's and Premal's 21 day mantra meditation journey (see http://www.mentorschannel.com/bestsellers/LandingPage.aspx?BookId=40) in which I am currently participating inspired me to seek out his work. He seems to suggest that they have the power to transform any situation. I think I'll be experimenting with mantras to help me continue transform my life in a positive direction and perhaps help me find a woman who shares an interest in the kinds of practices that are described in Cupid.
Wish me luck.
Blessings to all people connected to reuniting.info !