Small blessings.

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Submitted by Arnold on
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Hi Y'all,

Just thought I'd fill you in on a few small things that have been happening recently that could prove to be much larger breakthroughs for me in the long run. I think it started when I was introduced recently to Lucia Capacchione's work "The Power of the Other Hand". It seems that writing out inner dialogues with both hands is having a balancing effect on my mind and emotions. It makes sense to me that it would help harmonize male and female energies within myself. It also seems to be helping me connect much more strongly with my own body.

I've been noticing that my ability to say "No" to the toxic stuff in women is getting stronger. I had an experience recently where I was given a book by my mother that had some very disturbing stuff laced into it related to the sexual victimization of a man by an entire culture. The story itself was very interesting (the history of the creation of the Oxford English Dictionary), but the main protagonist's life was brutal. The connections to my own life were too close for comfort. It gave me some insight into my mother's mental world and where the toxicity I've endured likely comes. Some of my more recent dialoguing is about letting go of my connection to her world view.

I've also seen that her ability to nurture physically through touch and food, and to create a warm-hearted emotional environment, and include "people" in her spiritual interests are all quite limited to absent. All of these are crucial to early childhood development particularly in times of high (death related) stress. Part of my recent changes has been to make a very concerted effort to nurture my own body. I dialogue in writing (with both hands) with it every day now in order to reassure it and make a healthier connection to it. I also do some Reiki on my belly every evening. It's essentially my efforts at re-mothering myself having seen very clearly the limits to my biological mother's abilities.

Today I went to an event hosted by the Elizabeth Fry Society (they have been very helpful to me. A trauma therapist there introduced me to Lucia Capacchione's work). It was a first for me. Among other things, they were showing part of a PBS series called: "Half the sky". It's a video documentary about successful efforts to empower girls and women (see: http://www.halftheskymovement.org/pages/film). There were some vivid depictions of the sex trade in Asia as well as efforts to help the victimized girls recover. My emotional response to it was strong: a release of repressed emotional pain. In a strange way, I felt at home. Even though, what I've lived is much much subtler, the effects have been no less disastrous. It was a little like I was seeing revealed a reality which I know too well and yet fear to talk about. It doesn't happen to boys right? particularly when the most directly hurtful party is his mother who is clearly saintly and when done subtly with good intentions in a culture that doesn't question it. I also noticed some subtle resistance to change in me. Overall the event was reassuring to me. It felt safe and warm-hearted. Something I don't experience all that often.

I was also pouring over a book today by Thomas Ashley Ferrand on the power of mantra. Miten's and Premal's 21 day mantra meditation journey (see http://www.mentorschannel.com/bestsellers/LandingPage.aspx?BookId=40) in which I am currently participating inspired me to seek out his work. He seems to suggest that they have the power to transform any situation. I think I'll be experimenting with mantras to help me continue transform my life in a positive direction and perhaps help me find a woman who shares an interest in the kinds of practices that are described in Cupid.

Wish me luck.

Blessings to all people connected to reuniting.info ! Smile

Comments

Wonderful

I love that you are recognizing these things and learning to nurture yourself~~it will help you become at peace with yourself and will help you immensely as you seek out a partner in the future.

I have seen first-hand the effects of what can happen to a man when he *doesn't* address these issues and the fact that you are taking responsibility for yourself in this way is wonderful.

Thank-you

Thank you so much Rachel. That's very reassuring for me.

I first recognized that something was wrong many many years ago (1990). I had pursued the woman I had been friends with for 10 years and eventually married her. She was clearly the woman I wanted in my life and for the first time I was clearly expressing what I wanted and going after her. While we were together, my emotional instability was so great that I decided to divorce her after only 2 years. I was afraid that I was going to do something I would later regret. It was a huge disappointment to me and very confusing. I had no idea what was wrong or why. Sources of effective support for my struggles didn't exist. Fortunately this woman has a strong foundation in and understanding of friendliness (her spiritual affiliation is often called "The Society of Friends".) and we are still friends even though we live on opposite sides of our vast country. I'm very grateful to her for that.

Most intimate connections with women since then have been very short-lived and very disturbing to me emotionally. I tend to go quickly into depression and/or anger if there is any sexual charge to the connection at all. It doesn't have to involve physical intimacy at all to trigger this.

I was fortunately aware that communities dominated by sexual health were very good for me. I had experienced a few in the mid 1980's. So I knew that sexual health was important to me. One friend directed me to survivors of sexual abuse as a possible community connection. I decided to do some background research and read Mike Lew's "Victims No Longer". That was 2004. It quickly became apparent to me that I was showing the symptoms of childhood sexual trauma. Again, I had no idea where it was coming from.

Slowly, slowly it dawned on me that it was coming primarily through my mother. There is something extraordinarily disturbing and frightening about mother-son trauma particularly when it is subtle and done "For your own good". The cultural/community links are very strong too. It's taken me alot of work to get where I've stopped looking to others for help and relying primarily on myself. The frustration it has engendered in me has been absolutely intense. It's like I've stumbled on the "Bete Noir" of our culture. Support for men is extremely weak. There is no support group for men healing from childhood sexual trauma in the town where I live. This needs to change.

Thanks so much for your support. It means a great deal to me.

Namaste!

Arnold wrote:

[quote=Arnold] Miten's and Premal's 21 day mantra meditation journey [/quote]
What does this actually involve? Can you share some of what goes on? I might try it for the time remaining.

Mantra Journey

Hi Freedom,

It's quite simple actually. Once you've signed up at:

http://www.mentorschannel.com/bestsellers/LandingPage.aspx?BookId=40

You'll receive daily emails that connect you to a webpage where they introduce you to a new mantra everyday. You can also sign in directly (once you've registered) here:

http://www.mentorschannel.com/bestsellers/LoginPage.aspx?BookId=40

Each daily session is a 15min session that you can do whenever you like. And it's free! They usually help with pronouncing the mantra, talk about its meaning and application and give tips for practice. There is a sound clip from their large selection that helps with the mantra for the day. You can sing along or simply listen.

There are about 10 days worth of sessions posted on the webpage. We have started losing access to the first days of the journey but there are still lots there. I believe the webpage with the chanting sessions will be available until May 24. At that point they'll close it.

I'm enjoying it immensely and would recommend it to anyone. It's amazing and very uplifting to be connected to so many beautiful people around the world in such a beautiful way. Last I heard, there were at least 1000 people participating from about 100 countries. You will be aware of them because they leave their comments in a comment box. I occasionally post comments there too. I hope you decide to join us!

Namaste!

"Arnold"