I really don't want to have to write this entry. It seems as if there is no hope with this - like it is impossible. I try. I try. I try again. And my ancient, please-be-damned, limbic system wins. It's like it's telling me I won't survive if I don't act out - and, hell, it feels pretty close to this. I don't do porn anymore (though the other day I gave in for the first time in a pretty long while) and the porn is not the issue here. It's about fixing the brain - the withdrawal symptoms induce feelings that are not of this reality - and so it seems as if I have to hop back into this one to make sure I'm not losing touch with things. It's like I can't win - and I simply don't care enough. But I do. Am I overreacting or just being ruthlessly real? "Is masturbating really that wrong?" That's the question I asked myself when I gave in on 3/12.
I made it to 11 days the last time. My record is 20. I just want to make it one month and then I believe it'll be easy enough to get to 2. Next thing you know it's 4. Then 6. I want to commit to this abstinent thing. But the fleeting feelings of PMO (mostly just the MO) seem insurmountable. It's ruining my life. I consider myself a confident person that too is diminishing. I understand I can berate myself all I want, but, dear Lord, please help.
I'll start again today.