Day 4

Submitted by Aspie88 on
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Okay, let's get background information out of the way.

A lot of the blogs that I have read on this topic talk about discovering PMO at a fairly young age, I didn't. I knew they existed, but even into my teen years, the idea of them squicked me out... I had a fairly sheltered childhood. I'm glad to say that as far as the topic of sex was concerned, I mellowed out by the time I was 16, but that's not what led to my addiction. When I was 17 and in my first year of college, there was a girl that I liked, who was also in my class. We really got on and one day I decided, "You know, what, I'll go for it" and asked her out. She actually agreed and for a whole hour I was happy, probably the happiest I've ever been. When I went to take the bus home, she was flirting with another guy, and told me in front of her friends, "Sorry I don't fancy you anymore." I never felt so humiliated, and considering how much I was bullied at school, that says a lot... and that's where it started.

It started softcore, mainly with wet and messy fetishism and things like that. M came fairly later on, but when I first ejaculated, I realised what a mess I made (Mum never found out) and decided to cool off a bit. College was actually a good distraction and I only divulged in PMO when I had nothing else to do, which aside from summer and Christmas holidays never happened that often. This had upsides and downsides, some girls have approached me and told me I was sexy, two have told me that my eyes were my sexiest feature, (and this was before I started losing weight) in fact once when we went on a trip to London and I put on a suit, when I caught up with the goup, I was met with a unanamous female gasp. (admittedly, this came during the later stages of my diet... and I had more hair then.) However, the damage was done, the girl who humiliated me had dropped out, and I had more or less gotten over her, but I was stuck with an excruciating paranoia, I was scared of either rejection or being made a fool of, and what crushes I did have, I kept to myself.

I took a year out from 2009 to 2010 to try and find some life experience, especially finding a job... this, I now realise, was a big mistake. The town were I live is a deprived area and there just wasn't any jobs going. I eventually gave up and almost before I'd realised it, I'd fallen back into PMO. Add the fact that I had Aspergers Syndrome, and had trouble socialising, so I didn't know how to arrange things, made my year a misery, I actually contemplated suicide many times,(though they were quelled by the fact that I wanted to watch Toy Story 3,) how I got the energy to go back to college is beyond me. When I got back to college, I realised that I was considerably different from who I was before. I could converse with women but not as easily as I used to, and while Aspies tend to have trouble maintaining eye contact, my case wasn't nearly as bad beforehand... on top of all that my paranoia just got worse, and I became more and more awkward. I also found it difficult to communicate things to my teachers and while my work hasn't suffered really, it was difficult to conentrate. Because I sufferd with anxiety my whole life, I didn't for one second believe that PMO was the reason for it getting worse... although in retrospect I think ED started setting in round about the time I started PMO, even when I was cooloing down.

It was July 19th, when I decided to abstain from MO for a couple of weeks, and see what happens. Because I didn't cut P out, it only lasted for a day and a half. Luckily, I discovered this site and YBOP, and decided to cut PMO altogether, I've read many success stories, and I'm happy for all of them, but I'm facing the problems of Aspergers (conversational and social skills were never great to begin with), living in a deprived area (all the girls would happily leave), being overweight (though that problem can be solved) and my hair falling out (which... well, we'll see). At this point, I'm just doing this because I've got nothing to lose right now, which probably isn't the best way to approach it, but I want something to come from this so, I'll give a better update on Day 7.

Comments

good luck

Do you experience brain fog and worse days that just leave you feeling like, why me? I have a theory about ejaculations and orgasms. My theory is that eliminating PMO and if you can, orgasm for awhile, will make everything a lot better.

And the past stuff will melt away as soon as you find your honey and spend a lot of time cuddling and bonding...

Good luck to you. 

I admire your courage

Sounds like your aspie tendencies were pretty mild before the porn, so I think there's good reason to be optimistic.

Get all the support you can. These are both good forums with lots of guys who have similar issues:

YOURBRAINREBALANCED.COM

REDDIT.NoFap

Are you exercising? It seems to help a lot with regulating mood during withdrawal.

Also check out the FAQs here: Porn FAQs  For most guys, porn is a bigger issue than masturbation. That said, when you're noticing ED, you kinda have to give up both for a bit (and porn indefinitely).

Good luck!