Yeah, I caved in yesterday. It probably didn't help that I was suffering from a wisdom tooth and going through the stress of moving (AGAIN!) but I'm trying not to make excuses for myself for anything, especially as far as my Aspergers is concerned. But let's talk about the past week; I've definitely been waking up with more morning woods, and I've definitely been getting random erections from merely thinking about some of the women in my life that I like. I've taken to sleeping in the nude, so that I can observe progress, something that I never thought I'd catch myself doing. I've also had a lot more energy to do the housework, and while I do lapse sometimes, things actually get done.
However, I haven't been experiencing the surge in confidence that most people seem to experience. Believe it or not, I don't blame my weight for this, as I've said in my previous post, I've had girls flirt with me, before I started losing weight, and if some of my friends are to be believed, a good majority of teenage girls throught I was the hottest character in a play we performed when I was 20 (but then, I did play the villain, and media where evil characters, male or female, are not the sexiest characters are a rarity these days). So while I'll continue to lose weight to benefit my health, I don't believe that it's a major problem in the looks department. What really keeps me down is my premature balding. I started losing my hair when I was 13, at the time I didn't think much of it, but when I turned 18, it started to get more noticeable. I started resorting to desperate measures to cover it up (yes, that includes a combover). I started balding at the crown so when people talked to me, it wasn't very noticeable. But for the past few months, it's been getting really patchy round the front, so I've decided that for my 24th birthday on the 25th September, I'm going to shave the lot off. I've thought about it a lot and now that I think about it, I never had a nice head of hair to begin with, so why prolong the inevitable. A lot of my female friends have encouraged me to do it, and while I am slightly concerned about whether or not my head was made to be bald, I'm balding anyway, so there's no point worrying.
I'm not as discouraged by the failure as I thought I'd be, firstly it happened without porn, which is a good step for me. Secondly, I noticed a huge difference, in orgasm, from when I was doing it constantly to doing after abstaining for a while. I remember my first time like it was yesterday. Even though it was to porn, the rush felt awesome, I felt more energetic than I ever had in a lifetime, and when I ejaculated, it felt like I'd finished a long run. Like I said, I didn't do it again for a while, but when I did do it again, I got the same results. But when it became a constant habit, I felt like crap even when I was at the highest point of arousal. I could be wrong, but I get the feeling this is how it starts for a lot of alcoholics and drug addicts, the first time they feel on top of the world, but when it becomes a habit nothing is satisfying anymore. Yesterday, I felt the same as I did the first time around, only without porn. So while I know I can do better, I got a small sample of the benefits of abstaining. The only disheartening thing about it is that I did feel my voice get deeper, before this started I had to force my voice to go deep, otherwise it sounded nasally and whiny, now I'm back to square one.
I've decided that if I ever get the urge again, to do certain things to take my mind off it; things that help Aspies in general during their bad days:
* Going for a walk
* House work
* Read a book
* Listen to loud or soothing music (either type helps, they just do so in different ways)
* Watch a sad film (apparantly tears release a chemical that helps the brain)
* Just have a snooze.
I'm going to be keeping this blog largely weekly, but if I have something to share that needs talking about, especially my birthday when we get to it, I'll update it. Until next time... happy abstaining.