1 Month down! The good and bad news

Submitted by ATL on
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Well it's been 1 month of successful no-PMO for me so I thought I would do an update.

That's the good news, I went the whole month without PMO. And truthfully, it wasn't all that difficult. There were a few times here and there when I wanted to, but I was able to resist. I think I benefited from it being a busy month, and PMO generally comes when I am bored. It also comes when I am lonely, and so having a girlfriend around helps that.

The bad news is, I MOed 5 times over the course of the month. I'd like to not do that this next month. I think I can get there.

I also orgasm 2-3 times per week via sex with my girlfriend. One step at a time here. My next goal is to knock out the MO, and then I can approach my girlfriend about trying Karezza with me, and see how no O of any kind goes.

I feel better about myself now that I am not looking at porn. I also like the idea that I am striving to save all of my sexual experience and expression for my girlfriend. And she likes that idea too. I feel less "drained." I notice women more. I have more morning erections. All these things are subtle, but I expect them to continue and get more intense the longer I am without porn, especially if I can stop the MO as well.

Here's what I am dealing with right now that is making me anxious and uncomfortable: this odd feeling of femininity when I am with my girlfriend. I started suddenly 5 months ago, I felt like I was "too feminine" for some reason. In some ways it is like my HOCD in that it came on suddenly, was very distressing, and I "check" myself to see how feminine I am. I'll avoid talking in a certain way, saying certain things, or doing things in a way that seems feminine to me. When it first started, it was bad to the point that I was very uncomfortable just being in the women's clothing section of a department store. Strange, huh?

These feelings are worse when I am with my girlfriend. When we are being intimate there will be numerous times where I feel feminine and have intrusive thoughts surrounding this. For instance, when she is on top of me it can make me feel feminine. Or when I'm kissing her softly.

I've taken enough cultural studies classes to know that gender is basically a societal construction. And up until recently, I've been just fine with that.

I've always been comfortable with my gender up until 5 months ago. I considered myself a male who was empathetic, kind, intellectual, self-aware, and in touch with myself emotionally. I love sports, but I'm not one to hunt or work on cars or stuff like that. I don't know if this issue has to do with some sort of insecurity, or what. I have had difficulties in relationships in the past about feeling trapped or like I lost my freedom. I don't know if this has something to do with that or not. Or maybe I'm worried of losing my sense of self in my relationship.

Maybe I am feeling pressure to be more masculine around her, and that's why I feel this way. I don't know. It's confusing and distressing to me.

Comments

Hmm

First of all congrats on going for one month bro!! I am only on day 3 now of this journey, and look forward to reaching your spot.

Now if by femininity you mean being sensitive or something like that, most girls I know go crazy for that kind of stuff! Like if you open up to them about your feelings, my experience is girls go craazy for that, they love it. If the thoughts are intrusive I'm sure some of the veterans here will have better advice, but you gotta break that pattern somehow.

Hey ATL

First, let me say, I'm a big fan of your blogs. Been readin' them for a while here and on HOCD forums!

Second, I completely relate to what you're saying. Word for word. Even the stuff about being empathetic and other adjectives, and liking sports but not hunting, I'm exactly like that. And the thoughts about how that affects your relationship, same deal.

Third, I'll tell you a bit of what went on for me. Me and my babe just got back from 5 weeks in Europe. Two weeks before, I was so fucked up on porn, worst addiction ever in my life, that I found YBOP and told her I'm quitting porn. She had no idea what I meant, and honestly, neither did I. She didn't care either, because our relationship was so fucked up that there was little to no hope. So that was the last time I watched porn, and then we went to Europe. We had sex every few days, no porn, and it was awful. Worst romantic vacation of my life. We were miserable. Just hell. The only thing that made it better were the sights. But between us, it was pretty tragic.

I started my total reboot 25 days ago. I did a week without her, and the rest of the time with her. I have my problems, many of them. But my relationship has improved. We agreed to no sex for 90 days. Karezza wasn't working early in my reboot, so we just decided to cut it out for now. We do bonding exercises every day. And not only do I touch her differently, she enjoys it more, but those nasty thoughts will go away for much longer, or just get less intense, where I can laugh at them. I touch her in my empathetic, kind, sensitive way, but somehow it's more natural, more masculine. Like a nice concoction of yin and yang. And it feels good in my brain. Yes, the HOCD is there, but it's getting better over time, even during those moments when you're just kissing ("Am I too feminine, yada yada?"). Actually, in those moments it's practically gone for me or it's mutated to some lesser form of OCD which just goes away after a while. I think the difference was cutting out the sex and orgasm. I don't know if your partner will agree to this, but maybe that may be a course of action for you. Just having discipline and watch what happens (good and bad).

Hope this helps. I think for me, the orgasms and dopamine rushes during sex are what keep the HOCD alive and kicking, at least while rebooting. It needs to be suffocated with the alternative. Good luck, let me know what you think.

Thanks for the feedback

Brighthorizonahead- Thank you, you'll get there.

Musician - Thanks man, been trying to stay off the HOCD board these days, there is just too much negativity/reassurance seeking/checking and not enough talk about how to get past it. This board is much more supporting and positive and helpful. And good information.

It's good to know that I am not alone in these intrusive thoughts/feelings of being too feminine. Sometimes it definitely feels that way. Thank you for your thoughts.

It's interesting that your total reboot (which if I am reading your message right means no orgasms whatsoever) seems to have significantly helped your HOCD, and nearly knocked out all of those intrusive thoughts/feelings of femininity. I'd like to try this, but am a little hesitant to bring it up with my girlfriend. It's kind of a big deal to ask her to go along with this, and I still want to satisfy her. But maybe this is the time. I already have a head-start, having gone the last 5 days without orgasm.

I should mention we had a good hour-long bonding session last night, no sex or foreplay, and it was fantastic. I woke up this morning feeling very attached to her, very good about her and our relationship.

Marina- You know, I think that's worth a shot. Is there a page around here that addresses talking to your partner about doing a no-orgasm reboot, and Karezza? I'd like to talk to her about it and then have something she could read that talks about it and it's benefits. She already knows I've quit porn and am cutting back, now cutting out, masturbation.

Thanks for everyone's help and support.

ATL

I just discovered

that my girlfriend has not had any MO (she didn't do P) for 21 days, while I haven't done it for 25. I really feel like we're in this together. She is really craving orgasm, but I'm encouraging her to pull through, so she can leave her fantasy world for me (hehehe).

This no-orgasm stuff really works. I just got off a long conversation with my best bud and last time I spoke to him a couple of weeks ago, I was "drooling" over him (it was awful). Today, active, manly, virtually no HOCD thoughts. Whenever they came up, I just shot them down. There was no way I could do that a few weeks ago (I can't deny my "true" sexual orientation, no "reparative therapy" for me)! And I'm finding myself so much more attracted to my girlfriend. Like naughty, kinky, beautiful. God, I really think I love her and can love her forever. I've thought that way, but never really felt that way. I really think this no-dopamine rush approach works. I think the HOCD is just another neurochemical rush, and when you begin to distance yourself from that, the HOCD, which may be tied into PMO, falls away, because it isn't hinging upon it. I'm not saying it would work for you, and I'm not saying you should do it, but I wanted to share my belief and experience (a real happy one today! and happiness is more and more prevalent these days without this beast).

I'm getting the sense

that your ripples are settling down a tiny bit. Stay on your surfboard because anxiety will still activate them for a while. I'm glad you're seeing some light at the end of the tunnel.