Well it's been 1 month of successful no-PMO for me so I thought I would do an update.
That's the good news, I went the whole month without PMO. And truthfully, it wasn't all that difficult. There were a few times here and there when I wanted to, but I was able to resist. I think I benefited from it being a busy month, and PMO generally comes when I am bored. It also comes when I am lonely, and so having a girlfriend around helps that.
The bad news is, I MOed 5 times over the course of the month. I'd like to not do that this next month. I think I can get there.
I also orgasm 2-3 times per week via sex with my girlfriend. One step at a time here. My next goal is to knock out the MO, and then I can approach my girlfriend about trying Karezza with me, and see how no O of any kind goes.
I feel better about myself now that I am not looking at porn. I also like the idea that I am striving to save all of my sexual experience and expression for my girlfriend. And she likes that idea too. I feel less "drained." I notice women more. I have more morning erections. All these things are subtle, but I expect them to continue and get more intense the longer I am without porn, especially if I can stop the MO as well.
Here's what I am dealing with right now that is making me anxious and uncomfortable: this odd feeling of femininity when I am with my girlfriend. I started suddenly 5 months ago, I felt like I was "too feminine" for some reason. In some ways it is like my HOCD in that it came on suddenly, was very distressing, and I "check" myself to see how feminine I am. I'll avoid talking in a certain way, saying certain things, or doing things in a way that seems feminine to me. When it first started, it was bad to the point that I was very uncomfortable just being in the women's clothing section of a department store. Strange, huh?
These feelings are worse when I am with my girlfriend. When we are being intimate there will be numerous times where I feel feminine and have intrusive thoughts surrounding this. For instance, when she is on top of me it can make me feel feminine. Or when I'm kissing her softly.
I've taken enough cultural studies classes to know that gender is basically a societal construction. And up until recently, I've been just fine with that.
I've always been comfortable with my gender up until 5 months ago. I considered myself a male who was empathetic, kind, intellectual, self-aware, and in touch with myself emotionally. I love sports, but I'm not one to hunt or work on cars or stuff like that. I don't know if this issue has to do with some sort of insecurity, or what. I have had difficulties in relationships in the past about feeling trapped or like I lost my freedom. I don't know if this has something to do with that or not. Or maybe I'm worried of losing my sense of self in my relationship.
Maybe I am feeling pressure to be more masculine around her, and that's why I feel this way. I don't know. It's confusing and distressing to me.