Wow...a year and a half since my last blog entry here! That's nuts. I can't believe it's been that long. First let's start with the good news first:
My old PMO habits have been permanently changed, I feel. That isn't to say that I have had some slip-ups and relapses in the past 18 months. I have. But, by and large, I stay away from both porn and masturbation. I go weeks and weeks without either, months often, and might have a moment of weakness and indulge. But afterward I'm back on that train of no PMO.
As a result, my HOCD and feelings of being too feminine have receded to almost nothing. Most of the time I forget I was even troubled by that stuff, until something jogs my memory of it. And then I think "Wow, am I glad I don't have to deal with that stuff anymore."
And, I am now engaged to my girlfriend of almost 3 years and we are living together! So all good news there. But it leads me to my bad news:
We don't really do Karezza any more and I am feeling the effects, unfortunately. My girlfriend told me tonight she felt like I was withdrawn for the past couple days. And she's right, I have been. For longer, probably. I haven't felt especially warm to her, haven't wanted to be very physical with her, haven't enjoyed having her around especially. I've just kinda been cranky and impatient and depressed and withdrawn. This really worries her, and makes her wonder if living together is really going to work out.
I can usually tell when I am experiencing relationship dissatisfaction due to too much O. I feels like a depressed, annoyed indifference to my partner. Like she isn't really the wonderful person I previously thought just was, just very standard and ordinary. And I can't point to anything that's changed in HER that's caused a change in my perception. She's still the gentle, warm, caring, thoughtful, sexy person she's always been.
I went back tonight and read some of my blog entries about how too much orgasm really changed my perceptions of my partner. I felt annoyed, impatient, indifferent, unattracted to her. It's a lot of what I have been feeling lately after she moved in. I think what happened was that after we started living together, which was ~3 weeks ago, we had sex all the time. And I orgasmed all of those times. And now I am dealing with the imbalance and fallout.
So, tomorrow I need to talk to her and tell her that I think the reason I have been withdrawn, etc. is that I've been orgasming too much. And I need to go a couple weeks to get myself rebalanced again, and I'd like to go back to doing Karezza. I know she likes me to orgasm. It turns her on. But I think she'll understand that this is important for the overall health of our relationship.
Sot that's my update. Mostly good, but need to make some adjustments back to Karezza. I'm really glad this forum exists so when I'm struggling a little like I am now I can come back on and read that, oh yeah, this is exactly how I feel when I have been orgasming way too much.
I hope everyone out there is doing well.