Observations (at 6 weeks)

Submitted by ATL on
Printer-friendly version

Just thought I would share a few observations:

- For the last several years I've taken quite a few nutritional supplements every day to help with my libido, lagging erections, and mood. It was fairly expensive, but when I didn't take them for awhile I noticed that all three decreased. Sometimes I would wake up and feel like my penis was just "dead," like the blood had been drained out of it. It wasn't a good feeling. But since I started no PMO 6 weeks ago, I don't take them anymore. I don't feel like I need to. My libido has rebounded (although not all the way), my erection quality is now top-notch, and I don't feel so run down anymore.

- I'm still getting HOCD spikes, but they don't last as long. Sometimes pretty bad ones, because I don't have a lot of the anxiety anymore. So the thoughts/worries show up, they aren't accompanied by much anxiety, and then that worries me more because I think "shouldn't these thoughts be making me more anxious?" Last night I had a spike that made me pretty uncomfortable. I woke up this morning and it was still there. But I went through my day, and tonight it's pretty much gone. My brain moves through these spikes a lot quicker. In the past I would do more checking and reassurance and the spike would last for days.

- I think I am ssslllloooowwwwllllyyyy getting my mojo back, feeling more confident and in control and less "feminine" and timid and unsure. It hasn't happened as quickly as some of the other improvements, but when I look back on things a couple months ago that worry, of being too feminine, isn't there as much now as it was. I still look at photos of myself and feel like I look too feminine. I have no idea where this started, it was just a worry/fear of mine that developed earlier this year.

Onward and upward.

ATL

Comments

Onward and upward

Keep going and see where it leads. I hope for the sakes of all the people with "HOCD" that we can begin to see positives restore in our minds. I think Marina is completely right when she says the reboot/HOCD recovery isn't linear. My girlfriend and I got back from a meditation retreat yesterday and I completely unsure of my sexuality, but we were lusting for each other like it was the most beautiful thing, in spite of the fact that I felt I was "truly gay". Today, I'm spiking and firmly convinced I'm gay. Up and down, up and down. So, I think that over time, these should even out. I think it's the backdoor spikes which are horrible. I wanted to come out to everyone again today and scream out how gay I am. Tomorrow, I'll hopefully laugh about it. So, with time.

Question: do you practice some kind of meditation? Something where you notice your thinking and come back to a technique like focusing on the breath or counting? I am beginning to think it can serve as a boost to reboot, especially if you have HOCD. To live with directly with those thoughts and to just let notice them and let them go is a direct ERP therapy. It's painful, but it makes life easier. It's because of that I wanted my girlfriend yesterday. Glimpses of hope, more spikes, and hopefully an easing and recovery.

Thanks

Thanks for your response, Musician. When you said that the reboot/HOCD recovery isn't linear, are you saying
that one isn't necessarily tied, or doesn't directly facilitate, the other? Wasn't quite sure what you meant.

I'm just so bad at the "acceptance" thing. My brain finds a way to fight those thoughts, ruminate, etc. And then there's the part of me that feels like I need to fight them, because if I don't it means it's all true and I'll become aroused by what I'm thinking and that's what this fear is all about.

I have tried some basic meditation techniques, like conscious breathing. But I don't do it regularly, and I don't feel like I'm very good at it. My mind has a tendency to wonder.

Thanks again.

ATL

I just meant that while

I just meant that while rebooting and recovering from HOCD, which for the sake of simplicity I'm grouping into one category, at least in my case, it has ups and downs. The good days vs. bad days aren't linear. Those can be pretty erratic.

Acceptance is really hard. One thing I started to notice is that it's ok that your mind tells you those things. It's all just thinking, as hard as it is to believe that sometimes. When I was sitting for a total of about 4 hours or so yesterday and listening to the instructor for the rest of the day, my mind was going into all sorts of places. You just come back to the breath. If you judge, it's just a thought. Your mind wanders. The minds of the great gurus wander and they bring it back, let alone normal people like you or me. For someone like myself, I know that my mind will go and go and go. The magic of it though, is that even if you occasionally are able to bring it back, there are positive effects. For me yesterday, it seemed like I was thinking more because of how many thoughts I noticed, but I just felt something so pure for my girlfriend because of all the times I came back to the breath. You notice your breath many more times during meditation practice than in the course of the day, when we're ruminating all the time, so the contrast between the breath and your thoughts gets more noticeable. You notice more thoughts, and at some point you may notice more reality because of a more relaxed mind, whether you consciously perceive it or not. Ultimately, my mind was so tired of the gay thoughts it almost naturally accepted them by not giving them much fuel with further rumination. But my lust was in a beautiful place with her, without consciously giving myself reasons for why she's hot. It's the conscious thinking I think that separates us from reality. So, even a practice with a wandering mind is a gift because we actually allow ourselves to go back to the breath. If you find yourself giving yourself a hard time for not being very good at conscious breathing, don't worry, none of us really are Smile

Hope this made at least some sense.