I relapsed today as far as p&m goes. I feel like I am slowly ruining everything. There are allot of things going on right now some positive some not, we (girlfriend and I) just recently found out that we were pregnant. This is supposed to be a wonderful time filled with happiness, and excitement because this is what we want. This past year and a half we went through 2 miscarriages, it was extremely hard, and took a toll on both of us, I know some people deal with it better, but we became attached as soon as we found out we were pregnant the first 2 times.
So we have that going for us, I am working making decent money, and am going to be starting school in the fall. I suffer from depression so that doesn’t help anything. Also to add, yesterday I decided to stop smoking. I have so much on my mind I think that sometimes I just look for that quick release, and when I start to look at it, or think about it then its like feeling high, like when I do it, and everything is done, Its like that’s when the realization kicks in, Then I start thinking about the pain of caused, and all the things that come with these events. In the middle of all of it happening its like nothing really matters, or like I don’t care, I really do its just obvious that I am not in the right frame of mind.
P&M has also become a factor in my sex life, keep in mind my girlfriend is beautiful, and sweet, and I am blessed to have her, but when we have sex its like my mind goes to all these other places, porn, other people ect so I am able to finish. Its not that I can’t with my girlfriend, its just that my mind is filled with shit, and things are backwards, and upside down.
This is the part where I may sound crazy, but I know Im not. I smoke cigarettes to be less stressed out, and more relaxed in handling situations. I drink energy drinks like water because I am always tired, and the energy keeps me going. I watch porn for the release. SO here’s the problem.
If I don’t smoke I get angry, frustrated, and more stressed out, which can make the porn thing worse because I want to escape for a second. If I do smoke it takes a toll on my physical health which makes me feel lazy, and tired. Which then I substitute the tired for the energy drink to make it on through the day, especially when I am depressed. The list goes on.... Everything seems to have its logical place but it’s still not right, I am just killing myself in the meantime. Now that I am trying to quit smoking I can’t tell if I am just making excuses to smoke..
My life from the outside would look great, and happy. However on the inside its a fucking train wreck. There’s not enough pages to write out the full story, its just the surface. I have failed in the past so many times with the attempts at overcoming the P&M, so I am going to try one more thing, and that is to post on here every day, struggles from that day, good from that day, just anything I need to, and last but not least I will try.
If anyone read all of this you are amazing, and I thank you so much. Maybe you have some ideas on the stuff above...