I thought wow, do I really wanna continue like this? Do I want to flip flop between complaining and trying too hard all my life? Do I really want to continue identifying with this "sad, unique, unsolvable" story of me, trying to convince others that "my problem is bigger than yours" and at the same time see time pass by, year after year, without resolving the issues? No, I am tired of this shit. More than a decade of useless reading, analyzing of theories, and complaining is more than enough. It is time for action.
This one is almost pure complaining and cry, sorry but I have to let off some steam....
2014 came with a lot of energy and I feel good.
Still on and off the porn/masturbation wagon. The pattern the past few months have been about a month off, then a week of bing, then a month off, etc.. So first slip of the year yesterday and today. Good thing is I am not feeling that bad.
A quick update:
Sorry for disappearing. really busy schedule these days.
Almost a month since I posted here.
Still on track with the reboot, there were few instances where I almost watched porn (using hte old tricks, let me see some funny pictures, nothing wrong with watching girls in yoga pants, etc.. but I managed to stop on time before I ended up on a porn site).
I have really busy at work, but I am gonna have an easy couple of weeks due to the fact everyone is on holiday. I will take one week off between the 19th and 28th, the first four days on the west coast beaches of Sweden and then to a tantra festival, yeeha!!
Monday: dance with K, it went all right, I was a bit tired, so we didnt stay as late as last time
Monday: Met K for batchata dancing again, and this time as I was not trying to "detect" her interest level, it went amazingly well. I danced until 11 (course was from 7 to 9), and almost with every girl from the class after the lessons were over. There were one girl that was very sexy and also quite a good dancer, wow, she gave me a really nice boner. I felt genuinely happy that evening:-)
So I metup with K at her place the next day (Friday, May 24) as we agreed, and told her what I told Brad and my friend (that I am afraid of intimacy and was trying to find faults in her). Ok didnt tell her 100% the truth as I didnt mention about the fear of rejection aspect as well. Anyways, after that I told her that I am interested in her, and that I would like to know her better.
After what happend with K yesterday, I was down. Also the sickness that has been flirting with me finally seem to have caught up with me so I took a sick leave and stayed home. Went to the clinic, but already had breakfast, so they couldnt do a blood test, so made an appointment for tomorrow instead.
I spent the whole day fiddling around my computer, trying to download some movies to watch, all of them ending up being the wrong files or requiring passwords, etc, and also was not able to take a nap, which I can normally do at any time of the day...so felt a bit miserable
Been a bit sick since thursday, functional and still going to work but very fatigued all the time. I tried to run to the yoga and also back after the yoga on saturday, which was not a good idea at all, that made me spend most of saturday and sunday horizontally. On sunday, I had brunch with a group of friends, went back home and slept for some hours and went to the hippy singing thing. I met J, she was there with her daughter, first time I see them together. Her kid, L was really fun, friendly and brought so much energy into the singing.