a small leap of faith, I feel alive..

Submitted by beherenow on
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After what happend with K yesterday, I was down. Also the sickness that has been flirting with me finally seem to have caught up with me so I took a sick leave and stayed home. Went to the clinic, but already had breakfast, so they couldnt do a blood test, so made an appointment for tomorrow instead.

I spent the whole day fiddling around my computer, trying to download some movies to watch, all of them ending up being the wrong files or requiring passwords, etc, and also was not able to take a nap, which I can normally do at any time of the day...so felt a bit miserable

around 5 pm, L, passed by my place on her way from the office (she works walking distance). It was her idea to meet today and as I was feeling sick, I suggested for her to drop by. She stayed for about two hours, she was feeling emotional once in a while, but it went much better than our meetup last time. Sorry Marine, but I have to say this sometimes women are really strange. Last time we agreed that we will not force friendship unless it feels right, so we will meet when/if we feel like it. She comes and tells me today that she has been doing some thinking, specially after noticing that she felt very sad for some days after our last meeting and that she thinks it is best that we will not force friendship unless it feels right and maybe not see each other for a while, which is already what we agreed upon last time! So maybe she wanted to see me and needed an excuse, anyways, lets not dwell on that story. The good thing is at the end we had a really nice talk about many talks and I opened up a bit and told her about my childhood, how I used my sexual abuse story as a kid as a victim story for 20+ years to explain every mishap that has to do with women and relationship, my on and off porn addiction, the no fap/no porn challenge that I am currently undergoing etc... it felt great to share it with her.. and she left with a good mood, it felt like that at least...

Then the interesting part of the day/night. I arranged a one hour coaching session with Brad Blanton, author of Radical Honesty... maybe i have not mentioned him but I came across his book about six months ago, get blown away by it, had a couple of sessions over skype and even met him for a drink in April when he was here in Stockholm visiting his ex wife and son...

so I call him up on skype and pour out my heart about what happend with K and how frustrated I am with it, and also the fact that I collect theories, like being mindful, being present, and also his radical honesty but never seem to practice them, that I keep missing opportunities while I try to devise strategies and plans that are full proof instead of expressing and telling my feelings.. well, that is what I like about brad, he tells it straight, he told me that I should be telling her instead.."call her right now and say that you want to come over and talk to her about something, and tell her exactly what you told me, that you are afraid of intimacy and opening up specially when you like a girl, that you are lost in your thinking of strategies that are bullet proof. etc... everything you told me".. and then i was running around every corner to find an excuse not to do it, it is already late and she might be sleeping, what if I scare her with that, usually talking about this things openly only leads to trouble, etc... then we started kind of negotiating, "how about tomorrow?"... tomorrow I have company dinner (not lying), and I am away during the weekend.. finally he made be promise to him I would have talked with her latest by Wed, but still insisted that the best is to not delay it and call her right now, that it is scary, but courage is required only if you are scared, and then he cracked me up, what is the worst that could happen? You might call her and she actually tells you that she is actually fucking another guy right now, will that kill you?:-)

I called my best friend G and told him about my conversation with Brad, and he said something like "you are talking to the wrong person right now, hang up the phone and call her". It was around 10:45pm and next train was in about 10min, so I dressed up really quickly and headed to the metro (her place is only one metro stop away) and called her as I was entering the train station. It felt a bit like I was watching a movie scene, so surreal that I am actually doing this! My heart was beating like crazy!

Unfortunately she was already in bed, and said we better talk tomorrow. so we agreed to meet after work tomorrow. What surprised me the most was that she didn't even ask me what I wanted to talk about, just whether we can talk it on the phone, and I said it is better in person.

I don't care about what happens tomorrow. That is actually a lie, I care a bit:-), but in the bigger sense of things, the outcome is immaterial, as I have managed to do something without really calculating the outcome and crippling myself.. I will try not to think of what I am gonna say and rehearse it before hand, i will just go and pour out my heart, and open up my heart like I did to Brad and my friend G!

cross your fingers to the foot soldier of the truth and openness on his first mission!:-)