week 4, so far

Submitted by beherenow on
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Been a bit sick since thursday, functional and still going to work but very fatigued all the time. I tried to run to the yoga and also back after the yoga on saturday, which was not a good idea at all, that made me spend most of saturday and sunday horizontally. On sunday, I had brunch with a group of friends, went back home and slept for some hours and went to the hippy singing thing. I met J, she was there with her daughter, first time I see them together. Her kid, L was really fun, friendly and brought so much energy into the singing. We decided to meet at her summer house during the weekend (there is going to be several of us), I am going Saturday morning.

I am just coming from K's place, I was there from 8 to 11, and it didnt feel like half an hour. I brought the Tiramisu that I promised, which took me like 2 hours to prepare yesterday. I was very happy when I was making it, it made me realize that I am actually working a bit to get closer to a girl, which I have not done in a while. While I was leaving I thought of taking some condoms with me, but I didnt as I thought that will just put pressure on me, and to be honest, I didnt want to sleep with her very soon even if the opportunity arose. That made me relax a bit, going there with that clear on my mind. However, few times, I was getting the usual fear of "ah, if you dont at least kiss her today, the window of opportunity might be lost". we talked about everything (work, love, relationships, jokes, life in Sweden and Estonia,...nothing forced, everything was flowing naturally, and several funny moments and lots of laughs). Near the end, we were talking about dancing and maybe going to dance classes together (she is very much into dancing, but has not been doing it for quite a while now). We were sitting on her sofa and looking at dance video, and "shall I go for the kiss" thing kept coming, but I really didnt know if she was feeling the same or not, and also, I noticed that I didnt touch her at all, not even a nudge the whole three hours, which would have made a sudden dance move very awkward. Anyways, that was my rationalization at that time. When I said goodbye and kissed her on the cheeks, there was a fraction of a second where I thought I could go for a kiss once again.

While waiting for the train back home, the usual thought train "Ah, why didnt you just try? Women know when you are hesitating, she already have sensed that and know you are a pussy! Maybe this was your chance and you blew it up" etc etc... but I get a hold of myself... maybe she wanted to be kissed or may be not, maybe she sensed I was hesitating or may be not, maybe this was my last chance and I blew it or maybe I have tens of chances left, ....I dont know and whatever happened has happened and I cant change it...I had 3 wonderful hours with someone that I like, and that is the memory that I want to keep. If it is meant to be, it will be...OK, the last part is what I really want to feel, but to be honest, right now I am torn between the guilty, what if way of thinking and focus on the positive point of view...lets see which one prevails...

L wants to meet for tea tomorrow, I am not really up for it, but I think I at least owe her that after the awkward lunch we had about two weeks ago, so maybe I will say yes and meet her for a quick one.

On Friday, there is dinner at work for employees who had written patents during 2012. I have an extra ticket for a partner (when I signed up for it back in february, I was hoping that i will have someone to take with me). Today I was actually thinking if something happens with K, I will ask her to be my date, so I have to go alone instead. Bummer.

I feel a strong urge to browse porn right now, as that is my pattern after such happening like today where there are a lot of "what ifs" hanging around. So better finalize this blog and go to bed immediately. I have managed to sleep only 5 hours yesterday, hope I will do better today.

Good night!:-)
Ah, almost forgot, on Monday I had a wet dream. I dont remember the dream at all. Also, yesterday and today, I had some random erections, but they were all very brief.


Well, hey!

That's good progress. It's fine to wait and let the anticipation build.

Definitely ask if she'll be your date. It'll be a good way for both of you to test the water. Sounds like she would love an excuse to get dressed up.

And congratulations on the patent!

And don't browse any porn. You're doing great. Hope you feel better soon.

There is a progression

of behaviors leading to intimacy. I read this somewhere, maybe in The Naked Ape. It's something like this:

1. If you are meeting for a date, put your arms out and give her a hug when you first see her.

2. Go for a walk. Take her hand. (Don't think about it, just DO it. If you are friends, she won't mind.)

3. When you're comfortable with that, put your arm around her back.

4. If you're sitting next to each other on a sofa (watching a movie or whatever), put your arm around her shoulders.

5. When you're about to leave, give her another hug, and if it feels right, give her a kiss.

I'll never forget the first time I gave a kiss to the woman who became my wife. I walked with her to her door, we were facing each other, she was looking up at me, and it was OBVIOUS she expected to be kissed. So I kissed her! Smile

I tried to kiss another woman that I had been dating for about a year (without much hand-holding and other contact). She turned her head aside and asked "What are you doing?" Soon thereafter, she broke up with me. I don't think she broke up with me just because I tried to kiss her. I think the real reason was that she didn't feel much attraction toward me. When I told another woman friend about that incident, she said "If a woman doesn't want to kiss you, she's not in love with you. Time to move on!"

You say "I noticed that I didnt touch her at all, not even a nudge the whole three hours." Sounds to me like you need to do some of those earlier steps (1-4) and get comfortable with other kinds of physical contact before even thinking about kissing her.

I don't have any experience with getting from "friend zone" to romantic relationship, which seems to be your situation with K. My suggestion would be to ask her directly, something like "We've been seeing each other for a while as friends. Would you like to go further, have us be boyfriend-girlfriend?"

thanks for the tips!

But in my case it was rather a regression. I don't know her for that long, and i have seen her maybe five times in total, the first three being with a bunch of others at parties and a short boatride. And the first time we were alone was about a week ago for a short shopping trip and then again yesterday evening. The second party we met in, we were dancing a lot, touching a lot, and only reason i didn't kiss her was we were surrounded with friends.
So yesterday, if you compare it with that, I felt more distant from her (physically).

Wait, come to think of it, that is a lie! There were a couple of times during one of the parties when we were alone outside the club taking a break, and during those times I was not touching her at all! But when we were on the dance floor surrounded with people I felt free to touch her, hold her hand, caress her back, etc. and have to fight my urges to kiss her...

Also thinking about all the first time kissed that I had with girls the last one and half year or so, almost all occurred while dancing! Actually yesterday when we started watching the dance videos, i thought, time for the kill, and actually asked her to dance, but she said she was too tired.

Hmmm, didnt see the similarity of all the situations till now!