So I metup with K at her place the next day (Friday, May 24) as we agreed, and told her what I told Brad and my friend (that I am afraid of intimacy and was trying to find faults in her). Ok didnt tell her 100% the truth as I didnt mention about the fear of rejection aspect as well. Anyways, after that I told her that I am interested in her, and that I would like to know her better. I told her also that I don't want to pressure her into answering me right now, and that this talk is just about me and I dont want to have that dialog running within me and digging into every detail to find a fault in her whenever I am with her..
She told me that she was actually impressed by my courage to tell her so, and added that for her guys fall into three categories, 95% that she is not interested at all, 1-2% that she is really into, and 3-4% that she is quite interested in, but not sure if her interest is just friendship or romantic...and that I fall in the last category. She said that she would also like to know me better and see how that leads...
We agreed to go dancing on monday (take batchata lessons). So we met today and it went very well, but she was very uncomfortable when it comes to touching except on the dance floor (there she was quite at ease). All my efforts to let her at ease like give her my arms while walking, hugging her a bit, etc. didnt help. I made a fun of it a bit and she told me that she is actually very uncomfortable about that, and that some years back it was only her mom and best girl friend that she hugged at all. And at the dance place, I couldnt get that much time with her because we were taking lessons and changing partners all the time.
She had a mini bike injury during the day and was feeling a bit of pain on her ribs, so she didnt want to stay for the social dance after class. So I asked her if she can stay a bit so that I can practice with the others. I did that maybe for 15-20 minutes and we left. On the way back, it was the same story, she was not responding to my touches at all, and at some point I stopped trying. We joked a lot about it, and we talked about other things as well. In the end, I just kissed her on the cheeks when I got off at my stop.
I felt actually calling it quits right there and then as thoughts like this kept running through my mind: Even if we ended up being together, do I really want to be with someone who is so physically closed? ... but then again it seemed to me I was trying to find the easy way out again by quitting and that I have to work for this to stop this trend..so instead of just disappearing, which has happened quite few times in the past in such situations, I texted her the next day asking if she was feeling better (from the bike injury), she said she was oK.
Today, I met K and J at the park as it was a really lovely weather and we were singing together (J and I, K doesnt sing and doesnt even seem to care about music). J also taught me a couple of chords, my first two chords on the guitar:-) On the way back, it was just me and K on the train station and while we were waiting for the train K told me that she has actually been thinking about us after I talks with her last week, and that she really doesnt feel that way about me, and would really like to keep the friendship going if that is OK with me. The funny thing was instead of sadness or feeling of rejection, what I felt was rather a relief. Maybe I am in denial, but I am not rethinking of past events and regretting what I did or did not do. She was saying that it really suck that most of the time (for her at least) when she likes someone that way, they dont reciprocate it and viceversa, and I told her that maybe that is why it becomes magical when both strongly feel the same way. And that you don't owe anything and that if she doesn't feel it, then there is nothing to feel sorry about.
Well, seems being honest is not that bad after all. Even though the K chapter is kinda closed (I said kinda because we are gonna meet again, go dancing again, etc.... and though I don't have any expectations and quite relaxed about future interactions, one never knows..), I don't feel bad at all
With regard to porn and masturbation, this morning while I was cleaning my apartment, I thought a bit about porn but it didnt last long. I dont know if it is related to the rebooting, but lately I am seeing lots of dreams and also I wake up around 5am no matter what time I sleep. Any comments on these?
A couple of other things to report as well, but I am very tired now, so will do so some time next week...