So I gave in and masturbated to porn today. Stupid hormones. Stupid orgasms. Ah. Here is what led to this:
Over the past few months I was working a seasonal position residentially with 15 other similar individuals. I was not initially attracted to any and did not think I would have any intimate moments with any of the girls. The beauty of cuddling and having non-orgasm centered experiences however did its magic, and I slowly started getting closer to a girl I worked with and we had wonderful cuddling sessions with no sex or orgasm. However, sometimes I would get to close to orgasm by getting into too sexual of positions. Being sexually aroused messed with my mood, anxiety, and overall health. Combine this with staying up too late and wonderfully intense dance parties (whenever I exercise/increase heart-rate a lot I get similar symptoms to when I would masturbate to porn) and my stress levels were actually increasing in many ways. Paradoxically the benefits of cuddling countered the stress and I felt healthy at the same time.
On the last night I was with my coworkers (the season was ending, time to move to the next) we had a great dance party, went skinny dipping, and I spent the night with my cuddle partner. She ended up offering oral sex and in the heat of the moment I said it was okay. It did feel wonderful and I felt very close to her that night. Upon traveling half across the country the next day, those oh-so-typical orgasm symptoms started reappearing. I felt very emotional, extremely tired (again lack of sleep contributed), and just overall very anxious/unsocial.
I had been hoping that 150 some days would prevent this kind of reaction to one orgasm that I shared with another living human being. Unfortunately it didn't.
Over the past few weeks I have been seeing another girl at my new location where I will be for the summer. Unfortunately she is very into sexual things, orgasmically centered and the likes. She knows about my addiction to porn/masturbation (as did the girl at my last location) and is supportive, but somehow or another it always ends up very sexually stimulating, bringing me to the point of the edging sensation or actual orgasm.
Two nights ago I had actual traditional sexual intercourse with her for the first time, and for the very first time in my life. It was alright, but again it was not karezza oriented and I got overstimulated and orgasmed.
I have only orgasmed three times in the past month with women, and have had maybe two wet dreams in between, but this in itself has wrought anxiety, stress, sadness, anti-social behaviors, and an inability to focus. I came to my hometown today for my week off from work and just gave in and masturbated to porn for the first time in 171 days. It is sad that I did this but looking at the big picture it will just be a hiccup as long as I take care of things.
My libido over the past few months has been so-so. It was a little better before the past month when I have had these three orgasms, but really it has been low. I don't think women sometimes understand me when I tell them I have a low libido. They seem to think libido is just whether or not you have a hard erection. I can get an erection but usually it is physically stimulated. I just do not feel very sexually interested, and I know this is a sign of a weakened sexual performance.
So I am sort of lost right now. I don't know what to do. When I exercise, orgasm, or take long trips in my car I have similar issues with my body (all the symptoms I mentioned earlier). I would like to see a doctor or get some blood tests or something, but I have lost all faith with my regular doctor (he is very old fashioned, authoritative, and just pushes pharmaceutical on me), my experience with naturopathic doctors (two different ones) was not very successful, and I move around seasonally so it is hard to establish a trusting relationship with a healer. Are there any specific blood tests that would be beneficial for me to pursue? Hormones? I got the a typical round of blood tests about a year and a half ago and nothing was abnormal.
I have had these issues for over two years and feel like a lost cause. I feel mentally dumber, physically weaker, and often like I am unable to simply BE, you know? My issues seem a little anomalous to many others' I have read here because abstaining from PMO flawlessly (until today), forcing myself to be around people to bond with, and making dietary changes has not helped one very much (aside of the two week hormonal roller coaster after orgasm, the raging fear of having no idea what the heck is wrong with me, and a strong feeling of loneliness [these are lessened because of the changes I have made.]).
I personally think I have some kind of hormonal imbalance. Reading a lot of things from Ray Peat has helped me see this, but he never writes about sex/orgasm and how that hormonally ties into things. I have read Cupid's Poisoned Arrow and The Brain That Changes Itself, so I understand the concepts discussed in there. And then I have read a lot of stuff Dr. Lin writes about, but quite frankly his style of writing is not the friendliest, and quite often downright mean to those who write to him (possibly because he is not a native English speaker?). But yeah, I am lost, lost in my mind.
P.S. Thank you all for this. Those who have not gone through these issues have a harder time relating. This blog really helps.