As the title implies I'm five days of being PMO free. Finally getting some 'traction' as Marnia refers to it as and it seems to be going quite smoothly. How I'm doing this? Keeping the hell off the internet! I only use it when I have to (for job applications and the like) and I can't tell you how much it's made things easier. I have to say I'm a very heavy internet user and I think that can be an addiction in itself but thankfully these days I'm keeping myself busy in other ways like going to the gym and hanging out more with friends, etc. It helps to keep me offline and PMO free.
I will post the current pros and cons.
- Increased confidence. Subtle but it's there.
- I'm far more sociable and wish to be around people.
- I'm feeling much better about myself. Depression is dramatically waning and I'm getting over my BDD.
- More energy. Feeling stronger. Gym sessions feel a hell of a lot better.
- Voice seems deeper.
- Horny... but a strange horny. I feel sexually frustrated alright but somehow there's not a lot of desire to masturbate. As I'm keeping off the laptop I don't feel like masturbating. In the past just getting on my laptop would often trigger a semi and a desire to fap but as I'm cutting this off from the 'source' as it were, I don't want to fap. But I am horny... I still know unfortunately that if I hooked up with a girl I wouldn't be able to do it. Conversely I know at the same time that if I logged onto a porn site right now, I would be able to have a pretty damn splendid wank with a perfectly viable hard-on. Shit sucks.
- Leg shaking. I can't seem to stop shaking my leg(s) when I'm sitting down. I told my friend this and he asked me if it was because I hadn't gone to the gym today. I said maybe and he replied that it's the increased pent-up energy that I'm used to exerting in the gym. Obviously I didn't tell him that in fact it's because I haven't jerked it in five days but his answer got me thinking nonetheless. Perhaps the energy that I usually expend through the many PMOs that I would have done had this been a 'normal' week is now being channeled into my general energy level giving me that much more vitality. I do hope however that the leg shaking stops ASAP. I try to consciously stop it and I do, but I end up scrunching my toes in my shoes. Eh...
- Generally I feel like I'm on edge as you may have gathered from the above points - but a manageable edge.
That's about it really.
I've made a decision that I'm going to stop analysing myself like this and go with the flow for a while. This means I won't be doing any daily updates as it seems this is counterproductive since just being online itself acts as a trigger.
To close-off I have two impeding thoughts: 1) I hope to hell I don't relapse again and 2) I hope to God this actually works and fixes me. I guess I'll go read some testimonials for moral support.
Thanks for reading. Best.
Edit: Well, there we go. Spent too much time on the internet, ended up on youtube fashion TV and alas, another MO. Noooooooooooooooooo! Such a shameful display.