I'm feeling normal, not much to report. A couple days ago while walking in a park, I felt friendly and had a few short conversations with dog-walkers. I like your dog, cool dog, etc. Other than that, the usual.
I've got a beard that's coming into the sweet spot right around now, a little over two months in. Longest beard I've ever had, and I'm going to let it run for a while. It's having a good effect on first impressions with people. Subconsciously, it seems like a lot of people find a beard friendly, comforting maybe. Like a mature father instinctual first impression. And it draws attention. I guess subconsciously we like to look at beards when we see them. Because a lot more people are looking at me. I notice it in my subconscious now too.
Well, I lasted two weeks on the attempt I most recently posted about here. Then I tried again on July 1st and made it 16 days that time. I can make it two weeks easily now, and then I end up PMO'ing every day for a week after that. I'm going to give it another go here, currently on day 2. Here's hoping for 3 weeks or more.
Since I started this log just over 6 months ago, I've probably made it up to or past the 1 week mark a dozen times. One week is no great accomplishment at this point, but I felt like journaling anyway. This time I'm making it no porn only. I'm still masturbating, still fantasizing. I get erotic dreams and morning wood any time I go more than a couple days without porn. So I've just been finishing the dreams off in the mornings whenever they happen. In the dreams, I am turned on by the whole sensory interaction, rather than just the visual. That's it for now.
Made it 12 days this time, but then that sneaky brain got back into the porn. The last few days... 10 through 12... it felt pretty good. I had noticeable extra energy and sociability. Back to day 1 today.
So I didn't last much longer after my last post. Then I had another one week mark that I didn't post. And here I am posting yet another one week marker. So I've firmly established I can last a week. But that doesn't do me much good. I'm now beginning to consider some more drastic measures. I will probably need to change careers at some point. Currently I work at the computer from home, where I live alone. Before doing that, I'm also considering one of the "pick-up bootcamps" that I've read about. Has anybody tried these?
Just dropping in to note that I'm at the one week mark again. Over the last month I've had quite a few day 2's and 3's. Not much else to say, I just wanted to mark the journal. See you again next week I hope.
Last night I was going to the bank right after work to do a transaction with a business partner. I would have to wait for him for a few minutes so I popped into the gym right next door to use the restroom. On the way out of the gym, a girl randomly caught my eye and smiled at me. Smiled back, felt good. Went next door to the bank and without even thinking about it, I started flirting with this bank employee who asked me if I needed help. Cool witty stuff flowed effortlessly out of my mouth, almost like somebody else was speaking for me.
After 13 days clean, I relapsed for about as long. Now I'm back and on day 2. I agreed to dog-sit for my parents while they were on vacation for a month... and there's not much to do here, and the whole environment is an old trigger. So I didn't last long. Time to try again, two days right now.
Porn thoughts have been incredibly low since my last post. I think there was a 36 hour period where I didn't think of it at all, and then an image popped into my head - it struck me how long my mind had been porn-free. So the last few days have passed quite easily without those pesky cravings. At 5 days since my last O, I feel "full" again, but I'd like to try a slightly longer cycle this time. Last cycle was 6 days. This time I'd like to spend a few days at least outside of the post-O haze, which is really just beginning here at day 5.