So that’s 3 weeks PMO free for me!
I did have some doubts following a wet dream at about day 15 – was it a relapse ? – but now I understand that it can just sometimes happen. It was not a relapse, of this I am sure.
It is a useful lesson to understand that you can’t be perfect, and most of all, that you shouldn’t even try. During a recovery, you *will* fail at some point, but now there is a huge difference between relapsing and binging , and having wet dreams / letting some fantasies slip. Basically, I do think we shouldn’t be too hard on ourselves. It is not beneficial at all, blame is not helping. Courageous, strong-willed, yes, self-blame, no.
Also, I understood why the wet dream happened: it was because my fantasies were evolving. I no longer fantasize about porn stars or memories from the porn. I do on real girls now. I was caught of guard, thinking that these thoughts were ok. Wrong. Now I know. But sometimes you can’t guess, really, it’s tricky. Once I understood the (evolving) threat, I could prepare some “countermeasures” against it.
A major positive from this week is that I got some (rare) random erections during lunch, when meeting some of the beautiful girls that eat at the same place. Wouldn’t say I’ve recovered, but sometimes it looks like it is on the good way. But here is the thing: it doesn’t lead me to want to masturbate and “enhance” the fun with porn. It’s like the link between feeling sexually exited and PMO is broken. No, I just don’t want to masturbate. But then again, the fantasies come and go, so I’m still struggling with them.
Another lesson about fighting fantasies (we really should only be talking about PMFO, I stress the “F” here): the Red X method (stopping the image with a mental image of a Red X) doesn’t work for me. I guess it depends on the person really; see, I love football, and just replace the red x with a goalkeeper stopping the shot on the goal, with animation and all. It may look stupid described like that but that works, it occupies my brain and represents something of interest for me.
I guess everyone has his method; red x is merely one of them.
Mood swings are there too however; when meeting friends I happen to be one of the fun guys, I just let myself go a lot more; I decided I should socialize more, on every occasions, in a shop, whatever; just doing the small talk. Combined with daily sport (I go running every evening), this makes me feel on the top of the world, at times. The best thing is that I noticed smiles and looks from girls all the time; I really mean all the times; could have been there before, I don’t know, but I feel like I am attracting them. I thought I was overreacting but these small details are there, really. It’s just crazy for me. Crazy good.
But if one friction comes in discussions, if I start arguing, if it doesn’t work my way, well, enter a mad mood swing in the downward direction. I can really quickly question myself all of a sudden, wondering if I am worth anything at all. Had an arguing with my sister for instance, didn’t turn out too well; but I felt awfully bad afterwards, I was blaming myself; so mood swings happen, and are definitely dangerous. As if I couldn’t find the right balance between high and lows. That is a new worry here, one for which I don’t have a solution at hand really.
So now, I will just continue with my PMFO recovery; it is quite a mark for me, I mean, 21 without porn! But I have still loads to do; it is overwhelming; while it is indeed going better, I still don’t see the end of it at all.