30 days

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Submitted by Bucle on
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Happy New Year to you all!

Well, I guess that 30 days PMO free is a good way to start the year.

I have the occasional cravings but I've gained a lot of confidence in living with them. I just accept them and let them be without thinking that they are an ineludible force (because they are not). But they are mixed with the restlessness that the SSRI's are giving me as a side effect. In two weeks I'm visiting my psychiatrist and I'll ask her if we could go a bit easier on the medication.

I'm still battling against depression but it's slowly subsiding. Things come back little by little and in chunks. You almost don't notice it but if I compare myself now with how I was a month ago I'm far better, above all more relaxed (the restlessness is just physical, it's not mental). First I slowly regained mental clarity and critical thinking, I'm still confused and weak but a sense of self is slowly coming back (though it may be slightly changed). Apathy is also subsiding, I have started listening to music again (for a time even that was a thing I could not stand). The last thing to come back are feelings but they are also slowly reemerging. I can't compare myself with how I was before the crisis, that would not be fair, but if I look at the progress during this month I must say that it's not bad.

I'm exercising whenever I can. I have joined several Meetup groups in Barcelona. One of them is for musicians and I really like the idea of getting to know and exchanging ideas with fellow music lovers. I'm reading "You Are Not Your Brain" which I really recommend to anyone battling against his/her own thoughts. Perhaps the project I like the most now is that I'm looking for a new place to live and this will keep my mind busy and away from the confusion and the depersonalization feelings unitl my sense of self fully returns.

I'm not excited, I feel weak, tired and a bit sad. I just keep on working to try to get out of here. But the good news is that apathy, confusion and anxiety are fading away and that alone is something that gives me hope which is perhaps what I most need now.