50 days

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Submitted by Bucle on
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Hi there,

Well, here I am again, it's been a while. I'm sorry to say that I'm not reporting any spectacular changes but there are some positive aspects on this road. As a lot of people have noticed around here, once you get a certain number of days behind you it gets easier to keep going without orgasms. You see that there really is no impending need for them at all. I think I'm calmer now and my anxiety levels may have dropped. I used to self-medicate through orgasms and that only made things worse. My depression is slowly fading away but it isn't gone yet. The feeling of being trapped within myself and of hopelesness is still quite present but I'm not as emotionally numbed as I was a month ago. Depersonalization is also slowly fading. The first feelings that are coming (from time to time) are sad ones. I feel lonely and a bit desolate and helpless but not all the time.

My sexuality is quite low now (I'm taking sertraline so that would be quite normal) but I like seeing the beauty around me, it could be girls, boys, children, pets... it's nothing sexual, it's just the beauty of living things. I'm starting to think of going back to work again (I'm still on a sick leave). I'm not cured yet, I know it will take some time, but my healing will be faster if I get back to work.

I try to interact socially and look for meeting with other people. It's hard, I feel like I have made some serious regression and I have a hard time but... I do it anyway, I know socializing is probably my best medicine. Ideally I try to socialize with people I know but if they are not available I join a meet-up. And about finding a sweet-heart... I'm not ready yet. My depression is still serious enough to keep me from enjoying such things as a romantic love. I talked with my psychologist and beginning on late February we are going to work on my phobia towards relationships. We are going to find out what is wrong with me and what can I do to turn things around because I can't collapse into fear, depression and numbed feelings every time I feel somehting for a girl, this just can't be. So, I'm taking my time and I'll try to make my way to normality little by little.

I think that in my case PMO was a consequence, and not the cause of my problems. There's something deep inside of me which makes me terrified of the very thing which can help me and blocks me to the point of throwing me into the void of depression. I have talked for the first time with my psychologist about my addiction and she says that I'm on a good path. Quitting PMO may not be the magic bullet for me but once I'm out of it it will be one less dark area inside of me and things will get clearer to work on other issues I may have. Also, without PMO I won't be fuelling OC behaviours or anxiety and this will certainly be good for me.

So, all in all, I'm still strugling to get out of all this but I feel I'm a bit better, I just have to work more and be patient. I don't know, perhaps 50 days is still not long enough to see big improvements in a case like mine. But I'll keep you informed anyway.

Good luck to you all. It's a bumpy road but once you leave the first two or three weeks behind things get easier.

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The music

is fine. We're having a concert on February 20th and we're currently working on two new songs which are pretty cool. Music has really helped me a lot through hard times and it has given me so much pleasure on good ones.