Clarity

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Submitted by Bucle on
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Yesterday was my 12th day. As I said in previous entries I had fallen into depression, I have lost contact with her and I had a strong and terrifying depersonalization feeling, I didn't know who I was.

I have had moments of quietness mixed with horrible moments of fear, racing thoughts and a strong feeling of not being there at all. Yesterday I spent the afternoon in Barcelona with a female friend (we've known each other for almost 20 years) and as I was explaining my situation to her I felt panic, a shaky voice and the feeing that my head wasn't working right. Inmediately after I went to rehearse with my band. The keyboardist wasn't there and I just rehearsed with the two female members of the band who are very supportive and kind. Rehearsing is always quite soothing as we play songs I wrote a long time ago, before all the bad times set in. During the rehearsal I also felt shaky but somewhat calmer.

And then, as I was driving home, something strong happened. I began to feel clarity. Tiredness was going away and I began regaining a strong feeling of identity, of knowing who I am. The racing thoughts were also disappearing, it was like falling into myself again. I felt a strong knot in my stomach and almost the need to scream from all the energy that was coming in again. I didn't post anything because I wanted to wait for the morning to see if the clarity was still there after a night's sleep and yes, it remains.

But, I still don't feel longing or loving feelings, I feel quite detached, like the block (or whatever this is) is still there, a bit like a robot, like I could go like this endlessly, calm but detached and empty. A bit angry for the lost opportunities and for having lost the loving feeling I had for her. I hope that this is just a passing phase and that I can reconnect with myself again as the rebooting process goes on. At least the anxiety and the depression are vanishing.

By the way, now that I am a little bit more in charge I have decided not to take the SSRI. I have only taken it for five days now and I don't think there will be any withdrawal effect as I was taking a very small dose.

Comments

Just know that

healing is seldom linear. It's normal to get glimpses of where you're heading long before it becomes your reality.

What's your plan? Are you going to continue giving the masturbation a rest?

Are you sure you shouldn't ease off of the SSRIs?

Well

today I have had those ups and downs again. I feel better by the end of the day and in the middle I feel shaky and lost. Still there's this persistence of the apathy and cold block but I feel a bit more comfortable. I'm not sure about the SSRI's, I'll talk it with my psychiatrist on Monday. And I'm not going to masturbate, I want to go six months PMO free.