Hi there everybody,
I'm on day 69. There have been absolutely no orgasms/ejaculations in 69 days, not even wet dreams... but also no karezza.
I'm taking 150 miligrams of Sertraline a day on prescription and most nights I take Lorazepam to sleep (a very low dose, though, 0.5 or 1 miligram before going to sleep). Next Monday I'm seeing my psychiatrist to check how's everyhting going and the 22nd I'll go with my psychologist to start therapy. It's been almost two months since I took my sick leave and I'm planning on coming back to work on February 18th. I know that it is going to be hard in the beginning but it will keep me more focused.
On a functional level I'm more active and able to do things or talk with people, I'm not so numbed or confused. In fact I've been quite busy moving out to a new flat and moving all the furniture and belongings by myself. I quite like the new place, it is very quiet. This is why I'm going back to work since I know that I will be able to handle it.
On the other hand, the solipsistic/scary thoughts are still in the background, perhaps not so prominent now. I begin to enjoy certain activities again like music... But once the numbness is starting to fade now I feel pain. I feel totally shattered. My perpetual loneliness is taking its toll and I've got the very powerful idea that I'm not able, simply I'm not normal or capable of enjoying life or falling in love. I'm always serious and doing what I should do but I don't know how to let myself go since it's like I have no love or joy inside. No wonder no one will ever fall in love with me since I find that I'm not capable of loving or being happy and enjoying life. Those thoughts go round my brain and I break into tears. Next month I'll be 38 and the only relationship I have had was when I was 25. It was very tense and difficult and only lasted two months. Then I had a brief affair with a very good friend of mine (2003), but every time I've tried something I've got the spontaneous reaction of "freezing", I can't feel anyhting. And this is against my will. I feel trapped within myself and a complete failure. It's been a little more than two months since my depression started and there have been some good moments and some glimpses of being more or less calm or enjoying something to some extent. I just want to be normal and enjoy love like other people I see around me but the idea of love terrifies me as I have almost never experienced the good part and the pain I've endured has been big (my two depressions have been caused by failed relationships or attempts at relationships). I don't know what it feels like planning a holiday or just a romantic weekend with a girl or even sleeping with one and waking up in the morining with her by my side. I feel totally flawed as I see those things as a distant and impossible dream for me. I think I'm good, there are people who love me. My students both admire and love me and they have showed it to me several times but now... I just break down in tears and a part of me keeps telling me that I don't feel anything, that I'm a videocamera or a robot amidst human beings...
I'm so, so sorry to rant. This is why I haven't posted in a long time but today I just felt that I needed to take it off my chest in one way or another. I won't post again in a lot of days to give myself time. If I've gone from numbness to pain I suppose that I can go from pain to something different but it will take time and work. I just feel weak and vulnerable now... Thanks to all of you for reading and I hope my next entry will be more hopeful. Depression is a real bitch.
And, by the way, I'm keeping strong. No matter how down or sad I feel there won't be any relapses. I've got the confidence that if I have made it this far without a relapse I can go on further still.