Day 9

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Submitted by Bucle on
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Normally I focus on feelings and on my mental state, I don't usually talk about my body, so today I'll do it.

I'm dead down there, I haven't got any cravings for pictures, M or O and I haven't got any erections. Well, it doesn't really bother me, I suppose that's the famous flatline. I haven't got a partner so I haven't got any pressure on it to function and... I'm sort of happy about it. My penis has been requiring my attention during so much time that now it's one more white noise that I have turned off, it gives me peace which is something I'm going to need right now. I don't care if the flatline lasts a long time, I've never had problems with erections and I've never given too much importance to sex as an indicator of my value. For now it's dead, I know it'll be back if I need it but I want to go for the six months PMO free so I'll give it a well-deserved rest for the time being.

One thing that I have also noticed is that if you treat your body well it will thank you. Perhaps not inmediately but, after a while, it makes you feel better. I have noticed this when I've been a bit hungry and I've eaten the kind of food I was just fancying in that moment, like listening to its needs and giving it just that, nothing more. I've lost 8 kilos in three months so I can afford eating whatever I want and my body doesn't ask for much anyway. Today I've gone to my gym and they've got a thermal area. I've gone to the saunas and the jacuzzi and my body has really appreciated it, I love the contact with water. After that there has been a light sense of well-being so that's good, your body is wise.

Apart from this, I think I'm in some kind of depressive or post traumatic state. I phoned her on Sunday morning and she didn't pick up the phone nor has she called me back yet... I'll just wait, perhaps there's nothing serious and she just doesn't feel like it... I think I still love her but I have finally come to accept that maybe we will be nothing but friends and I'm beginning to be OK with that. I don't see myself with a different girl right now but I have decided to stop projecting my thoughts into the future, I just have to let things flow by themselves and who knows what the future will carry? I can also play the movie again about her with someone else... I know she has an affair but I know nothing else and I don't think she is in love so... what's the need in hurting myself. My therapist has identified this obsessive trait of self-harm and, though it is there, I'm beginning to see it more as a movie my mind is playing than as the reality. The reality is that I love her and I miss her and I would be sad if I totally lose her but still I would like her to be happy... There are moodswings, I feel sick, I've lost a lot of my drive, but in this new state of mind all the pressure to be with her has also died out and now I'm just into acceptance. Once you accept it, anxiety begins to dim and after the anxiety ordeal I've been through it's a release to let go of that pressure. I just hope we can catch up later on because we have had a beautiful friendship and I don't see no reason in not being friends, we can help each other...

Right now I've got to work on myself, letting go the habits of the past and admitting that all the horrible scenarios that my mind tricked me into believing are just movies, the deep reality is different, I just have to reconnect with it. I'll keep you informed.

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Not knowing about her or wether she wants to totally cut the communication with me or not is being hard, I miss her. But anyway the main goal is finding myself, I've been lost and disconnected from my own feelings during so many years... I need to cut with all the crap and all the drama movies I've been playing to myself and, worst, believing in. I just want to be myself again and then I'll accept whatever it may come.