Letting go

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Submitted by Bucle on
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I think I've fallen into full blown depression. I've been here once so I can recognize it. I've been trying to cling to the thought of her during a lot of time. First in anxiety thinking she had fallen in love with someone else, then I had the great and wonderful moment at the concert, one fo the best moments in my life in a long time. But then I started to fall out. I tried to cling to whatever little piece of feeling there was left in me but I was just falling and falling. Now I think that even seeing her would be hard and I 'd feel pain. Like she is still the sun, she is normal, she can feel and she is making her life away from me and I have fallen. I feel weak, with a head full of rocks, no drive, my job is getting very hard to do. If she doesn't call me back I won't try to cling to this any longer, I'm letting go. I'm letting go of everything, I just can't stand the effort of trying to cling to things I don't feel right now. In fact I don't know who I am right now. I don't know if I'll get back to myself but I'm going to be honest and let me feel the emptiness I'm feeling right now, no more anxiety. I've told two very close colleagues at work about the possibility of taking a sick leave and today I have told my mother about my depression. They don't know anything about PMO. I just have the feeling that I have to let myself go of everything, like stop resisting the tide, stop thinking and staring into the void, I'm too weak to love or feel right now. Perhaps I need some medication. I'm on my tenth day, is this a specially strong case of cold turkey, am I going through a hard search of my inner self? According to my therapist I've got a deep disconnection with my inner self and it is kind of lost, it has been like this during a lot of years. I can see the truth in this but... life carries on, I've got to live right now without knowing who I am...

I guess I could masturbate and go back to "normal"... I won't do it, not even looking at pictures. Sometimes you read about epiphanies people have in the midst of depressions and how they bounce back to life... I wish it could happen to me. Perhaps this is just a phase I'm going through... Bearing this in mind my struggle against the addiciton is really tough. No sweetheart, no karezza, not a direction to counterbalance the withdrawal effects and a block I want to eliminate but I just can't. I wish a miracle would happen and I could just stop thinking or at least reduce my mental porcesses by at least 80%, that would be great. Perhaps, as the process goes on and the therapy continues I'll find out the origin and I'll be myself again. I remember I was quite happy and very, very loving as a child, I had a warm inner feeling of peace and of everything being right. Then I became a teenager and most of it started to go away. I hope one day I go back to that blessed state.

Comments

What about

exercising or doing daily meditation? Both have been shown to help regulate mood (reverse depression).

I think that as soon as you learn to regulate your mood yourself, without thinking you're stuck in depression, you will be ready for a relationship. So make this your top priority right now.

There are lots of ideas on this page: ♦Solo Tools

The key is to stop wandering around in your own head. It's full of brainworms right now, and very few insights that are useful can even make their way in.

In addition to the suggestions above, I have found this one to work well. Pull three books (preferably books you find inspiring, but even others can be useful for this). Flip them open at random and stack them in front of you, face down. Now, pick them up one at a time and just read the first paragraph your eye strikes. Think about how it might apply to your situation.

Exercises like this help you think outside your box. And depression is a box that needs to be escaped as rapidly as possible! That's best done through reframing, and to do that you have to move beyond your own hopeless thoughts.

Another "out of the box" tool is an oracle. Consult the Oracle You don't have to "believe" in anything to use these tools. The purpose is just to snap out of the fruitless wheel spinning that is bringing you down.

How long have you been without orgasm? Usually the first couple of weeks are the worst. Then things start to level out.

My last orgasm

was on the morning of November 18th. So, your'e saying that I have to make an act of will to escape from the depression instead of letting myself go? I know that right now my brain fills me with negative vibes and what it feels as "rocks" that also numb my body. Relationships make me afraid right now. Perhaps my brain looks for the "magic key" to myself so I'm desperately looking for that key. An "act of will" would seem to me random now, and meditating is hard for me, but perhaps it is just this, an act of will, though it may seem random. When you're into this state it seems weird that you can stop it just like that, you've got the feeling that it came and then it will go by its own... Perhaps I don't have to wait for that magic bouncing back to my consciousness, perhaps I just have to make the effort to pull myself out of it even though it seems weird, right?

I think two things help

The first is letting your sexual energy balance. I think you'll see improvements within a few days due to that. (For me, the worst "ripples" are right as I near the two-week mark, and then things settle down.)

The second is indeed an act of will. You may not realize it, but dwelling on your depressing thoughts and your determination to analyze your way out of what is probably partly a neurochemical imbalance - and can't be analyzed out of, are also acts of will. They're just unhelpful acts of will.

Do what you can to alter your brain chemistry for the better by the acts of will that do that naturally: exercise, socializing, "pointless" meditation, time in nature, selfless service to others, inspiring insights, etc.

Don't just sit there and wait for your brain chemistry to change and alter you mood. And don't think that the key insight will do all the work. This is partly neurochemical. As you actively balance your brain you will see that better insights will also arrive. And even if they don't right away, you will feel better because you got your dopamine, etc. to healthier levels with exercise and the other suggestions.

You are not a victim, but you have to row to move forward. As Churchill said, "When you're going through hell...keep going."

*big hug*

three suggestions

one, is that remember, you are supposed to be depressed now. One thing that really gets people is that they shouldn't be feeling how they feel. By being okay with it, by accepting "I am depressed now" you make room for change. 

two, is that you take a depressed thought and be present with it. Try to hold it in your mind. Now feel your body. Where does it feel stressful or tight when you are holding that thought? Keep focused on that thought and the feeling in your body. Now still holding that thought, observe your breathing. Stay with it. You can repeat this whenever you have a "depressed" thought. It really helps the thought pass more quickly by letting it have its life. It will pass quickly this way

Third, visit The Work of Byron Katie, and do a worksheet on something in your life that upsets you, somebody or some thing. This is incredibly helpful when you are in pain. 

Here is a good video example and here is another.

 

 

Thanks!

By the way, today I've felt slightly better, I've done some socializing with good friends and I've been more present and energetic at work. Working with kids is good, they always give you energy :)