She has called me on the telephone. She isn't feeling ok right now and we have talked about our own problems. I have told her about my depression and, for the first time, I've told her that I have an addiction (but not what kind of addiction though I think that she can figure it out). We will talk again to each other when we feel like it. Perhaps it's time to leave space now. We understand that we need space to get through this on our own. This is a friendship, no karezza here, and I'm feeling too depersonalized for karezza right now (too cold inside). She has undergone two depressions so she knows what I'm talking about. We have also talked about episodes of abuse both of us have undergone as children. She wasn't conscious, she believed it was a dream. I remember it pretty well and in very good detail.
I'm on my 20th day. Withdrawal is hard. I did watch some porn on the 16th day but no masturbation or orgasm. Now I'm feeling that I'm going off the shore little by little and that that porn watching was probably the last. I'm feeling empty, with no feelings, I can't relate to the person I was just a few months ago, I worry about not being the same again. Anyway, I'm very conscious that I'm ill and that depersonalization and no feelings is just one aspect of depression or perhaps of the cold turkey I'm having right now. I'm starting to know how to detach myself from those thoughts so that they don't bother me obsessively. Physical exercise is now one of the things which help me the most along with rehearsing with my band. I can't rehearse every day but I do physical exercise every day. The bike is really helping me. I'll just wait for this cold empty solipsism to slowly fade away and return to feelings (because it is very hard to feel like a videocamera or a robot).