It's been a while since I posted something... I haven't done it out of shame really. I relapsed on December the second. The scary thing is that this time I didn't touch myself, I didn't even undress, but I looked at porn. There came a moment when I knew I would explode and I tried to breathe and keep really quiet. Eventually I had to move one leg and it all exploded with a huge quantity of precum and semen... and without touching anything. I'm on my eighth day now. It would sound as though I have no credibility at all by now, in fact I was waiting to have at least 21 days to show something of my new intentions, but things have changed a bit. It seems that what happened on December the second shows clear signs of really high anxiety. In my case I've been medicating myself with orgasm (uncounsciously) to cope with the high anxiety levels that emotions have usually given me probably since I was a child. It seems that even my friendship with her has totally crashed (I called her up on November 25th and she didn't pick up the phone nor has she answered me back and I know it is not out of carelessness, she always calls back unless she doesn't want to) this has given me a lot of anxiety but before the break up I was already messed up. It's been now two or three weeks since I have fallen into a state of apathy and depersonalization, it's as if I didn't know who I am, as if there has been some kind of total detachment from my previous narrative. I'd find it hard to tell anyone about me now since I feel like I'm almost no one and that there are no feelings or drive left. This is depression, I was here once 12 years ago but every time it hits you is terrifying (this is my second time). I noticed that I started obsessing about her checking her facebook status from time to time... Really, I'm sick, this is not gonna help me. I haven't defriended her but I have installed a website blocker and I have blocked her facebook account and her notifications so that I don't get to see them. I was going crazy. I have tried hard not to repeat mistakes from the past and it all has exploded even worse than in the past when I used to ejaculate frequently and carelessly (I didn't think of it as a problem).
So, where to now? I have totally shielded my internet connection, there's no possibility of looking at anyhting erotic even if I wanted to (I threw away the passwords so I couldn't cheat myself). I have taken on a sick leave this morning. I kept forgetting about things and exams and my dear students don't deserve this. They have given me a month and the doctor has prescribed an SSRI (Sertraline). I'm seeing my psychiatrist next week and my kinesiologist next Wednesday. Since I have this "depersonalization" and seeming lack of feelings I'm going to divide myself in two. There's the me who has fallen down and I'm going to develop a "caring me" who is going to take charge. I did it in my last depression and it worked. I'm going to wake up at eight o'clock every day, I'm going to exercise every day, I'll try meditation, I'm going to take up yoga, obviously no PMO for at least six months, I'm going to shave every day and try to have good looks (possibly I'll work out), I'm going to Italy for a week in January (Italy has always worked for me), I'm reading CPA again... There are no expectations, right now I think I won't be able to fall in love or have emotional intimacy of any kind. The thought of being through something similar again fills me with a weird mixture of terror, apathy and sadness ("no, not this again, no girl can work for me if the problem is in my inside"). I don't know how to assimilate this crash either... we didn't even have a relationship, we were just good freinds, no sex at all, not even seeing each other a lot... It feels as if I have fallen below the surface and I'm not able to do what normal people do easily... But I'll go through the motions and I'll do all the right things (no PMO, trying to socialize, exercise, healthy diet, healing the very old and deep wounds, I'm even moving away from the place where I live) all in all, what else do I have to lose? I know karezza is the solution but right now I've got an awful lot of work to do. A relationship is out of the question in the state I'm in. My dream is being myself again, the romantic, good-hearted and a bit confident guy I was a long time ago. If I can feel "at home" again with myself everything else will be easy because I'll just know (my "heart" will know) what to do.
I'll keep you informed from time to time. The first goal is getting out of depression and back to work. Where will I be six months from now? Surely I'll be better off. Guys, if I get out of this and one day I'm able to love without blocks or weird shit going out of control I'll tell you that there's hope for everyone.
Good wishes for the rest of the people struggling against the addiction.