I have tried and tried and tried and tried, again. I was in love and then I fell out of it and when I fall out of it it seems like it's forever and that I will never see that girl again. I called her yesterday morning and she didn't pick up the phone and she hasn't called me back yet. But anyway I feel like I have lost the feeling with her. I also sent her a text message on Friday, no reply, a long Facebook message a week ago, no reply.
I relapsed last weekend. It was partly intentional, partly an accident. During a time I could PM without O quite easily but this is no longer the case. Even though I don't want to O the last two times I have relapsed the O just came like an eruption with a sensitivity I hadn't experienced before. The first one was on 27th October (my 17th day) and the last one was on the 21st day. It seems that the third week is a critical period for me. I relapsed out of sheer anxiety. The brainworms wouldn't go away and a major clarity and stability weren't coming either.
After yesterday's panick attack today has been a tough day. I have felt sad, lost and cold most of the time. At times I just wanted to break down and cry. The idea of her knowing someone else, even if she has told me that there is nothing and that she will never go steady with a man like him, she's just checking where she is, has poisoned me and given strength to my brainworms which pick up any negative sign and turn it into a monster forgetting all the positive things. At work I couldn't concentrate and I just wanted to get home to warm me up a bit and do my spiritual homework.
Hello, I just come from visiting the kinesiologist and being with her for a long time.
So I'm on my 8th day of total PMO detox. It's hitting me very, very hard. The cravings are gone by now, they don't bother me, but I feel strange. I don't know but from what I've been reading on the posts round here it seems that dopamine can use your worst fears to work against you, it can be HOCD, ED or whatever, it just turns you into someone you don't want to be. In my case it is a deep disconnection from my feelings and from my love to the girl I'm specially fond of. This is hard because I feel nauseated. How can I be so cold now when a month ago I was just burning for her?
I orgasmed last Saturday. Then I went PM on Sunday and on Tuesday. It wasn't really porn, it was more like erotic pictures but, as many of us have learned, it doesn't matter if it is porn or just Facebook pictures, it does have the same effect on you.
Today marks my tenth day PMO free and my 17th day O free. Before I used to count the days only since the orgasm but now I know that my brain was tricking me into PM paving the way for a relapse, so now I'm being totally honest with myself and I only count the absolutely PMO free days... So, today is my tenth day.
Today is the big day when I will see her again after more than three months!! It's going to be in the concert I'm playing with my band in Barcelona so there will be a lot of other people and there won't be much time to talk... but anyway I just want to see her and hug her again, I need it :) I'm really nervous and I think that anxiety si showing up as well but now I know what happens and I won't let it paralize me.
Well, an update to my personal story for all the people who have taken an interest in it (thanks to you all for the kind words and the advice, you have given me some very good insights)
My anxiety was just over the top today. I saw some pictures of the person I have strong feelings for in Paris with another man and I was diving deep into negative thoughts. The anxiety was building up like crazy within me. I just wanted to talk with her, I was missing her badly...
Today I relapsed twice to pornography.