Here are some random thoughts I have been working through the last week or so...
You just might get what you ask for. I told her that I am a changed man, that I no longer have the needy desire for sex. I told her that I am more content than ever and I am happy just to be bonding with her, that she can be free to touch and kiss me without me “grabbing” her for sex. Well, she took me up on it and has been committed to daily bonding but has not initiated any intimate touch in several weeks. I am working to stay slow and steady, but it is hard not to reach out and grab.
Get out of your head! I have been spending a ton of time thinking, analyzing, reading and playing conversations in my head. All that is not bad, but I need to give myself a little breathing room. I need to relax and let it just happen.
I DO want sex and that is not bad. At the start of this journey, I spent a lot of time distancing myself from the desire for sex. I think that is where I had to start. The neediness, drive towards orgasm and desire for sex were all so intertwined that they might as well have been one in the same. As I have grown over the past weeks I have started to see distinctions though. I have become content with not wanting orgasm and not being needy. I don’t feel the same old goals drive me anymore. But… I do desire sex. I want to have sex with her. I am at a point now where I need to become comfortable with that and how to express it. I want to reach out to her and touch her and initiate contact, but she still perceives it as grabby and needy. I hate to say it, but I think building the trust that I meant what I said is more important than figuring out how to initiate contact. I just can’t stay in this passive, waiting mode indefinitely… all in good time.
Those pesky old feelings… I feel them creeping back in. I had so much eagerness and excitement at the beginning of all this that it was easy to embrace the new way of thinking. Now it is getting harder. It has been a while since we have connected sexually, and those old feelings of want/need/insecurity can bubble back up. The difference now is I have the tools to deal with them. I am mostly able to calm those feelings before they take hold by breathing deeply and relaxing my root. I am far from a “woo” person, but it truly does work. Simply focusing on my root/base grounds me and gives me the upper hand on my emotions.
Whats up with the energy flow? As I mentioned, woo is outside of my comfort zone but I am trying. I try to think about the flow of energy every time we are touching. I do experience something within me, a building of energy and/or sensation between my root and chest. I try to pass it to her and draw it back as well. I have read blogs on this site about amazing experiences with this energy, even with only one partner engaged in it. Somehow I want to believe that is how we will connect because intercourse is so distant. On the other hand, I have a hard time believing my wife will ever feel anything from this exercise.