A Few Monday Morning Thoughts

Submitted by bwh on
Printer-friendly version

Here are some random thoughts I have been working through the last week or so...

You just might get what you ask for. I told her that I am a changed man, that I no longer have the needy desire for sex. I told her that I am more content than ever and I am happy just to be bonding with her, that she can be free to touch and kiss me without me “grabbing” her for sex. Well, she took me up on it and has been committed to daily bonding but has not initiated any intimate touch in several weeks. I am working to stay slow and steady, but it is hard not to reach out and grab.

Get out of your head! I have been spending a ton of time thinking, analyzing, reading and playing conversations in my head. All that is not bad, but I need to give myself a little breathing room. I need to relax and let it just happen.

I DO want sex and that is not bad. At the start of this journey, I spent a lot of time distancing myself from the desire for sex. I think that is where I had to start. The neediness, drive towards orgasm and desire for sex were all so intertwined that they might as well have been one in the same. As I have grown over the past weeks I have started to see distinctions though. I have become content with not wanting orgasm and not being needy. I don’t feel the same old goals drive me anymore. But… I do desire sex. I want to have sex with her. I am at a point now where I need to become comfortable with that and how to express it. I want to reach out to her and touch her and initiate contact, but she still perceives it as grabby and needy. I hate to say it, but I think building the trust that I meant what I said is more important than figuring out how to initiate contact. I just can’t stay in this passive, waiting mode indefinitely… all in good time.

Those pesky old feelings… I feel them creeping back in. I had so much eagerness and excitement at the beginning of all this that it was easy to embrace the new way of thinking. Now it is getting harder. It has been a while since we have connected sexually, and those old feelings of want/need/insecurity can bubble back up. The difference now is I have the tools to deal with them. I am mostly able to calm those feelings before they take hold by breathing deeply and relaxing my root. I am far from a “woo” person, but it truly does work. Simply focusing on my root/base grounds me and gives me the upper hand on my emotions.

Whats up with the energy flow? As I mentioned, woo is outside of my comfort zone but I am trying. I try to think about the flow of energy every time we are touching. I do experience something within me, a building of energy and/or sensation between my root and chest. I try to pass it to her and draw it back as well. I have read blogs on this site about amazing experiences with this energy, even with only one partner engaged in it. Somehow I want to believe that is how we will connect because intercourse is so distant. On the other hand, I have a hard time believing my wife will ever feel anything from this exercise.

Topic:

Comments

Would she be up for

naked scissors position do you think? It might ease your discomfort without her having to "do" anything. Goal would be just to relax you both completely.

So, while this guy is touching her heart, you would just be lying back on a comfy pillow with a smile on your face. No intercourse yet, of course. Just a loving energy exchange with no performance required by either partner.

Great idea

I think that it the point I am at, trying to gauge if I should initiate or ask for the "next step" or simply keep waiting and letting her come to it on her own. If I do initiate, I will keep this intimate yet non-intercourse idea in mind.

Bonding sex vs. mating sex

[quote=bwh]
I DO want sex and that is not bad. At the start of this journey, I spent a lot of time distancing myself from the desire for sex. I think that is where I had to start. The neediness, drive towards orgasm and desire for sex were all so intertwined that they might as well have been one in the same. As I have grown over the past weeks I have started to see distinctions though. I have become content with not wanting orgasm and not being needy. I don’t feel the same old goals drive me anymore. But… I do desire sex. I want to have sex with her. I am at a point now where I need to become comfortable with that and how to express it. I want to reach out to her and touch her and initiate contact, but she still perceives it as grabby and needy. I hate to say it, but I think building the trust that I meant what I said is more important than figuring out how to initiate contact. I just can’t stay in this passive, waiting mode indefinitely… all in good time.
[/quote]

What you want is bonding sex (i.e. making love); what you don't want is mating sex (i.e. fucking). Let's be honest - mating sex is a pretty crude impulse. It's not bad, it has a purpose. But it's really about using her body; fertilizing the female, nothing else. It's one of the main things we are built to do, so it's hard to not want to do it.

Women are smart. Their bodies are smart. They can sense the difference. Their bodies will shut down to you unconsciously, even without their knowing or wanting them to. That's what "needy touch" will do. Needy touch is all about leading up to mating sex, and they know it.

I still struggle with this too at times. I'm a sex addict, so my brain's default setting is for mating sex. After 6 months, I'm still training it for bonding sex. Even when we're having bonding sex, if I allow myself to get too heated up (still all too easy to do), it's like a switch flips in my brain and I'm back to mating sex in that moment. Oops.

I have found that I can only initiate bonding. I can't initiate sex. If I try to do that, I'm back in mating-land. The sex part (for me) has to happen from bonding. So that's what I am interested in now. That's what I express a desire for: to bond with her, to spend time with her. Whatever we are going to do, read together, lay together, talk, massage, whatever it is - as long as it connects us, it can lead to love making. And when it does, it just happens by itself.