Another one bites the dust

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Submitted by cadethefaun on
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Well, another woman I thought had potential I have cut off, probably permanently.

We met during the summer. She lives in another state and we spent a couple weeks together while she was on vacation.

Then, a week and a half ago, she contacted me out of the blue to hang out. We spent the night together, this is 6 months after our first meeting, and finally had sex for the first time. And when we were first about to go there, she said she was a little scared and I also told her about my stage fright thing, caused by my ex, and then we just did it. (by the way, thats two for two since my ex I've told I had performance anxiety and it wasn't even a thing to them, they just worked with me anyway(I'm pretty sure my stage fright won't go away until I have stability in a relationship)) But after that, that's when she first started getting a little weird. Then, we spent another fun day together a few days later and had sex again and a couple days later, she hit me with we are just friends and can't be anymore than that, I live in another state sorta thing and her exact words at one point, "There is nothing between you and me" . I just wanted to enjoy the time we have together, ride or die, and told her as much, and we should've still had another two weeks together.

Now, when we had sex, I did conventional sex, not karezza/no ejaculation sex. I have been working on some things in the No More Mr Nice Guy book and he says in later chapters women arent attracted to men who just try overtly to please them in the bedroom and the focus should be more on yourself. So, in this light, I have tried overly to please the woman I'm with in the past and this time just did conventional sex and went with it, it felt right for my current level of development. Before, I always prided myself on being really good in bed, but even then, I was focusing on my performance and tieing it to my self esteem and it feels good to just let it be what it is and realize that a woman will keep coming back because she really wants to be with me and not because I'm a god in bed.

So, what happened was I got pretty angry and had an argument that to some women might I appear whiny or needy.  I am an Aries sun, scorpio moon, or sidereal pisces, libra moon. It may have had to do with the conventional sex, I'm not sure.

Point is, I have acted desperate and needy before, but this time, I think it was really my scorpio/libra moon kicking in. Because I feel things deeply, I also know when other people feel something, and I was just really pissed off because "I know you've felt something, so just fucking admit it already." Who contacts someone after 6 months and then acts like they are reluctant but wanting and then tells them it was nothing.

Well, at least this time, I didn't let her mess w me like the last one. I'm not going to let someone belittle me and slowly whittle away at me again like my ex did.  I told her she was a player(my definition of player is having sex without developing feelings whatsoever, because this is what makes people feel "played") and blocked her number and deleted her from social media.

I guess thats it. Something happened last time she was here, basically blew me off the last two days she was here when she said she wanted to spend time with me and we had concrete plans, so we went through this thing where I told her this wasn't cool and she apologized, so I already feel I was giving her a second chance, and even though part of me wants to, I really don't think I can justify any reason to give her a 3rd chance, but I know her well enough I can almost guarantee I will be hearing from her again. So I really have nothing to tell her?

So, here's to women who only want us when we're gone...

I think one of my problems in life is that, because I'm very nice to people, they think they can take advantage of my good nature...

then after a while, I make them realize they can't.

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Comments

Good on you for moving on with other women

It's hard when you have invested in a person, but often there's no solution but to move on.

You are blaming astrology signs for your mistakes, for getting angry, for acting needy or insecure. Don't. I'm not saying that you should blame yourself or any partner, either. Just let go of the blaming. You don't need to blame anyone. You are learning to deal with new situations. This is how you learn new things. By making mistakes. I know I feel very stupid for things I've done, trying to woo women. It's ok to feel unsatisfied or embarrassed. I try to see it for what it is and continue moving in the right direction.

Also, about the thought "I know you feel something, and I want you to admit it" you are having. I feel like you are angry with reality. The reality is that she claims that she's "feeling nothing between you" and that you don't agree. It's ok that you are having thoughts like this. But it doesn't make it fact or that it is in any way useful. Hell, you don't even have to like this thought. Not everything I think is true and/or agreeable, and I always take comfort in the fact that they don't have to be!

I feel for you deeply, I can definitely relate to having old flings turning up. I've let my life be completely turned upside down, just to have a chance with them again. No so strangely, it has never turned out like I expected it to Yes 3

The point I was making is

Thanks for your comment. However, the point I was making is that her "feeling nothing" makes absolutely no sense in the context of everything.

Why would she act nervous all night before our first sex? Why would she initiate text conversations 2 to 3 times daily? And why would she thank me, tell me she had fun, that we should definitely hang out again and then txt me to arrange to hang out w me the next day?

My point is I know for fact there were feelings even if it was just having fun. I have learned with women it is what they do, not say, that matters. Men think more logically and women think more with emotions and this is not necessarily a bad thing. My last girlfriend would hit me with some heavy stuff about what exactly she didn't like about me, and really rip into me, then 15 min later calm down and want to cuddle or have sex. Actions, not words.

But I'm not going to waste any more time on someone who I have spent good times with and had sex with and after so long, can't simply say, "Ya, I like you..."

I feel really frustrated w this sometimes bc my definition of love is someone you have complete trust and comfort with and feel like best friends and I sometimes meet women who want someone to make them have "butterflies" for the rest of their life. The only person that can make you feel butterflies forever is someone who is basically completely unpredictible and an asshole.

And anyway, someone who can feel nothing in a sexual relationship of any kind is probably someone I should avoid

Yeah, looks like I'll have to

Yeah, looks like I'll have to stop giving women orgasms  Biggrin

That stupid cupids arrow thing happened... And how come it doesn't happen to me, when I have sex with someone and hang out, cuddle and have warm fuzzies, I want more of it. However, my reward circuitry is no longer so damaged by sex addiction which pretty much everyone has whether they know it or not, so maybe that's why...

It may very well be too late for me and her, though.... Things have already been said and that I have enought friends and I'm not going to waste my time when there are women out there who would want to be with me discussion already happened.

I really DO have enough friends, I want and need a lover in my life.

I already went through this with my last girlfriend. "we are just friends -- just kidding, relationship, just kidding, friends" until I really didn't want either anymore.

I need to start by respecting myself and so can't find a good reason to reinitiate contact with this girl. If she can admit to herself that she really liked me(and I know she did because there were too many pieces of evidence, too many questions you only ask someone you like, etc., to be otherwise) and reinitiate contact with me, then we have somewhere to start.

Rude!

[quote=cadethefaun][..] the point I was making is that her "feeling nothing" makes absolutely no sense in the context of everything.[/quote]

Yeah, that's rude. Of course you're upset.

[quote=cadethefaun]My point is I know for fact there were feelings even if it was just having fun. I have learned with women it is what they do, not say, that matters. Men think more logically and women think more with emotions and this is not necessarily a bad thing[/quote]

You're painting some pretty broad strokes with that brush. I think the major problem I have with people is that they don't behave they way they are supposed to. Not all women are alike or all men the same. And I'm angry exactly because they are not all the same! (But of course action carries more weight than talk.)

[quote=cadethefaun]I feel really frustrated w this sometimes bc my definition of love is someone you have complete trust and comfort with and feel like best friends and I sometimes meet women who want someone to make them have "butterflies" for the rest of their life. The only person that can make you feel butterflies forever is someone who is basically completely unpredictible and an asshole.[/quote]

Just wanna spin off this point. If you listen to PUA material on "keeping the girl", this is basically what they tell you to do. Always be interesting, keep things moving, like really put a lot of effort into surprises and shit. I dunno, it doesn't seem very sustainable to me. It sounds exhausting! And yes, I guess it would make you an asshole too :)

I had a girlfriend that talked a lot of about these damn butterflies and how if they are present it's proof that you are in love. Also, is she implying that she'd think that she falled out of love with me if these supposed butterflies would disappear? Ugh. I always said I didn't have any butterflies. She can keep that hypothesis to herself.

Maybe she should read this

Will Orgasms Keep You in Love? | Reuniting

As a woman who fell for the "butterfies" (false) signal repeatedly...until I finally began to 'smell a rat' in my own primitive brain's programming, I can tell you that it can be very comforting to learn how to spot biology's sneaky moves...before you fall for them again.

Of course, you first need time to get over the shock and horror of realizing you were tricked. Crazy

I'm pretty sure based on

I'm pretty sure based on feedback from women I've been with, I'm more a warm fuzzies kinda guy rather than butterflies

And don't listen to PUA stuff. That shit doesn't get you laid or women in your life. Yeah, Ok once in a while a woman will come along and you may think it works, but trust me, as soon as I got the idea of being my authentic self and doing it my own way, that worked alot better...

cadethefaun wrote:

[quote=cadethefaun]I have been working on some things in the No More Mr Nice Guy book and he says in later chapters women arent attracted to men who just try overtly to please them in the bedroom and the focus should be more on yourself. [/quote]

I think this is the ticket for you; but don't constrain it to just the bedroom. The key is to be your authentic self all of the time, focusing on your experience rather than trying to manipulate theirs. It has to do with becoming more internally referenced rather than externally referenced. You don't have to overcompensate by being an asshole PUA. Just don't focus so much on how your female companions are reacting to you. Be true to yourself. Enjoy yourself based on what you like and want, not based on what she likes and wants. If she likes you, she'll let you know...you won't have to guess; and if she doesn't treat you well, then you simply react to that rather than trying to manipulate her into treating you better. Everything becomes so much simpler.

sender wrote:

[quote=sender]... and if she doesn't treat you well, then you simply react to that rather than trying to manipulate her into treating you better. Everything becomes so much simpler.[/quote]

Could you clarify your meaning? Is this like how when I set a boundary, it's a boundary on my behavior, not hers, because I can't control hers and all the talking in the world is just nagging?

Are we talking about assertive communication? I feel ____ when ____ because _____and in the future i'd like ____?

Simpler than that

"No More Mr. Nice Guy" explains this all quite well. I only made the comment because you quoted this book, and it occurred to me that, from reading your posts, it just sounds to me (someone who doesn't know you) that you are really focused on the reaction you get from women, and not just in bed. It's a form of manipulation because when you tailor your behavior based on how you want the other person to respond, you're trying to get them to like you.

Instead of doing that, just be yourself, and the right girl will like you. She will feel the authenticity, and respond to that.

Take this with a grain of salt. As I said, I don't know you, only my idea of you from reading what you wrote. I hope it's useful to you. If not, then feel free to just ignore.

Yeah... Things just got weird

Yeah... Things just got weird...

Last night she texted me, inviting me to join her for a drink.

But then told me she was with a guy friend and he would be taking her home. I'm thinking something is wrong here and told her I didn't want to have a drink w her and watch her leave with another guy and opted out and said maybe we could do something fun some other time. Don't know if I appeared insecure/jealous, but I've literally never been in that situation before.  It's possible she was out w a friend and just wanted to see me, I don't know

But, years back I had a girlfriend who would kiss on other guys right in front of me, she insisted she never actually cheated, and yeah I know it's my fault for allowing it and not walking away, but either way this experience left a toll on me and it's hard to trust... But even she never left with another guy when we were out....

I'm clueless right now  Unknw

Maybe I was right about the no contact thing?

In retrospect. i Think she

In retrospect. i Think she liked me. A lot. But my behavior turned her off. I was trying too hard to make it into something, focusing on what she was saying and doing at certain points, but if I looked at her actions overall, she was txting me all the time and consistently asking me to hang out and had sex w me two out of three evenings we spent together. In fact, the second time, she initiated and I was "No let's cuddle and sleep a while first" but then she got naked and I was toast Preved

I mean, we met 6 months ago and sort of kept in touch and then she txted me out of the blue to hang out and we had sex that night, and she even acted nervous about it. Sender was right.

I feel stupid.    Scratch one-s head

Remind me to stop focusing on words next time...

Living authentically isn't as easy as it sounds

The idea of being your authentic self may be simple in concept, but it's not always easy to do, so don't be too hard on yourself. The problem is the way our brains work; in order to be able to respond to things in real time, we build up sophisticated neural networks that can process everything that's happening to us in the blink of an eye. While that can be helpful sometimes (especially when we're under stress), it also implies that much of how we respond in any situation is a form of programmed response. That complicates things immensely because in order to "be your authentic self", you first have to identify this unconscious programming and be able to shut it off when you want to, which is not so easy.

One way to identify a programmed response is to look for patterns in your life; for example: do you keep meeting the same kind of woman, or repeating the same kind of relationship drama? If so, there is probably an unconscious program at work, and in order to break the pattern, you need to identify and disengage the program.

I have worked on this for many years using with various techniques to learn to do this. I realize this is now sort of off topic (for this site), so feel free to PM me if you want some details.

I could use some advice.

I could use some advice.

After 3-4 days of no contact, she messaged me and asked me to come over and started giving me this talk about how she doesn't live here and we have to be just friends "why can't we be friends" and I "I don't want to be friends with you" Her: why Me: because I like you Her: but you want me to stay here with you Me: no, I just want us to enjoy what time we have together.(actually I would love it if she stayed, but I don't want her to give up her life and happiness where she lives...)

Next thing I know she started kissing me and I grabbed her ass and she wanted sex(I think she really likes it when I grab her ass). But as soon as I went in, in about 20 seconds I was about to come(I guess I missed her while we were apart) and I held back, pulled out, basically it triggered my performance anxiety again. I never really overcame it, but I found that if I just relax and fool around, eventually it will happen. My ex gf would have screamed at me for coming too early, so I had panicked  It's weird cuz this girl loves sex w me even if I come early.

But, in the beginning, she was patient and we would fool around a while until I was ready, now she's more like: "why is this happening, we've already had sex a few times."

Anyway, she let me know to expect her to invite me over later tonight. She is staying w family, so its a bit awkward in that we sort of have to sort of sneak in our alone time.

So I could use advice. I either need to get my shit together and just make it happen, or I need to find a way calm her and get her to just cuddle or something. But she only cuddled once w me, since we've had sex, whenever we have time alone laying together, she's just like "let's go". Which may actually be good for my performance anxiety since I have someone who just wants sex and won't give me shit about my performance or how long I last...? And I can always introduce karezza later but I have googled a few pages on performance anxiety and everyone that solved it solved it by going through the act of sex all the way to orgasm and not placing emphasis on how long they lasted or other performance other than simply getting it up and doing it. This psychology sinks in so your body/mind starts to realize "ok. I can do this"

And yes the focus is on working on myself here, more than working on her or us like I would have done in the past.

Well,

what did you decide to do?Biology tends to win these debates unless you're clear that you really want to try something different. But that's okay. You're in your own laboratory and you can study your own results.

Let us know how it goes.

Well, she's off to the

Well, she's off to the airport now... We kinda just did it, I think I did alot better this time mainly bc there was alot of kissing and I focused on the softness of her lips rather than the softness of my penis lol.  Damn, she has some soft lips, I could kiss her like forever....

And she told me the reason she reacted the way she did last time, was bc in her mind I was talking about my ex. But, from my perspective, I was actually talking about my ex to explain why the stage fright thing...

Anyway, I will miss her, and I'm sure she'll miss me, even though she hasn't admitted it (damn macho girls; sometimes I have to soften them up with my pisces sidereal assertiveness/expressiveness)

At this moment, I'm still glowing and I'm sure she is too, it sucks but it will actually be nice to leave on good terms with someone I really like for the first time ever....

And the nice thing about it,

And the nice thing about it, is that, since I no longer use or think of sex addictively, I don't feel that strong need right now to do it again. I just feel satisfied.

However if she was here and wanted to...

Don't worry

There's many more where that came from. Work on you, career/school/life goals. That never fails to impress when you are doing alright by yourself and feeling good about it.