So, as those of you who've followed me know, a few months back I finally broke off communication with a girl who I really loved.
Things had devolved to the point where I was still hanging out with her, telling myself that she was still a lot of fun to hang out with(she was actually), however I kept getting the short end of the stick. I was providing most of her emotional support, spending more time with her, taking her fun places, even cuddling at night, etc., basically being her boyfriend in every way, but not getting the sex. Now, I don't personally have really any need for sex anymore(unless it's loving sex for the right reason, then AFAIC ITS ON!), it's just that if I'm basically her boyfriend, she shouldn't be dating and fucking other people.
She went through 2 or 3 of these before I learned my lesson. She would date a guy, realize he's an asshole then come back to me. I think that in her mental state, altered by her issues, bad upbringing(if i told you guys the stories, you would completely understand why she is this way), whatever made her the way she is, she could never really understand my stage fright induced ED, that it wasn't a rejection of her, and would go to these assholes bc in her mind assholes are good in bed(basically bc they don't care enough about her for her treatment of them to affect them that way(I could handle basically everything she threw at me, insults and stuff, but not in the bedrooom lol))
So she meets a new guy, and decides he is so awesome she is going to move closer to him. Shed been planning a move for a while, but doing it for this reason I already see some red flag going on here.
So, I had a talk with a friend and she basically echoed what my gut had been telling me all along, that she has no incentive to change as long as she can have what she has with me and date other people.
So, I sent an email describing this and that and good luck I don't wanna be "just friends"
It's been months and she's tried calling me a few times, but I have followed my gut and ignored when I felt the time wasn't right but did answer one and kept it short bc although I'm open to us getting back together, assuming she can be courageous enough for difficult personal growth.( And I'm not being a hippocrite, I'm working on myself too, it just takes two to grow together) I'm not going to be sucked back in easily.
During this conversation it was clear she wasn't entirely happy and she mentioned some things that tell me not only is her new boyfriend controlling, but I read between the lines and apparently based on little bits of his behavior he sees me as some kind of threat to his position. But as I cut the conversation short, she sort of twisted my arm into saying I would answer her call next time. and when I did she talked for a whole min b4 she told me she had to go. That pissed me off.
A few weeks later, I blocked her from social networking and blocked her phone number with a message that everything was a lie between us. This is something that may have burned a bridge or made me look stupid in her eyes, but it's done.
Yeah, that was emotionally reactive, but I find when Im reactive like this I look back at it like I did and realize there's a less reactive emotion I'm ignoring. Which was that I just need to cut all ties completely so I can truly work on myself. having her appear from time to time on my social networking home page, makes me have small bits of hope, which doesn't help me in this situation.
So I sent an email, apologized for the reactiveness, told her I love her but need to let her go and I don't want to be her shrink or just friends or anything like that and that I wish her the best and want her to be happy. Actually this felt good bc my feelings had been stagnating inside and making me feel real shitty. Now I've let them go.
So, I'm open to her one day growing up a little and maybe? who knows?
But in the meantime, my plan is to completely work on myself and live the life I want as much as possible so I can attract someone of quality.(Actually that is what I was doing when she found me)
By the way, I say square 2 above because it's not really square 1, I have learned and gained a lot from this experience.