Back to square 2

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So, as those of you who've followed me know, a few months back I finally broke off communication with a girl who I really loved.

Things had devolved to the point where I was still hanging out with her, telling myself that she was still a lot of fun to hang out with(she was actually), however I kept getting the short end of the stick. I was providing most of her emotional support, spending more time with her, taking her fun places, even cuddling at night,  etc., basically being her boyfriend in every way, but not getting the sex. Now, I don't personally have really any need for sex anymore(unless it's loving sex for the right reason, then AFAIC ITS ON!), it's just that if I'm basically her boyfriend, she shouldn't be dating and fucking other people.

She went through 2 or 3 of these before I learned my lesson. She would date a guy, realize he's an asshole then come back to me. I think that in her mental state, altered by her issues, bad upbringing(if i told you guys the stories, you would completely understand why she is this way), whatever made her the way she is, she could never really understand my stage fright induced ED, that it wasn't a rejection of her, and would go to these assholes bc in her mind assholes are good in bed(basically bc they don't care enough about her for her treatment of them to affect them that way(I could handle basically everything she threw at me, insults and stuff, but not in the bedrooom lol))

So she meets a new guy, and decides he is so awesome she is going to move closer to him. Shed been planning a move for a while, but doing it for this reason   Unknw  I already see some red flag going on here.

So, I had a talk with a friend and she basically echoed what my gut had been telling me all along, that she has no incentive to change as long as she can have what she has with me and date other people.

So, I sent an email describing this and that and good luck I don't wanna be "just friends"

It's been months and she's tried calling me a few times, but I have followed my gut and ignored when I felt the time wasn't right but did answer one and kept it short bc although I'm open to us getting back together, assuming she can be courageous enough for difficult personal growth.( And I'm not being a hippocrite, I'm working on myself too, it just takes two to grow together) I'm not going to be sucked back in easily.

During this conversation it was clear she wasn't entirely happy and she mentioned some things that tell me not only is her new boyfriend controlling, but I read between the lines and apparently based on little bits of his behavior he sees me as some kind of threat to his position. But as I cut the conversation short, she sort of twisted my arm into saying I would answer her call next time. and when I did she talked for a whole min b4 she told me she had to go. That pissed me off.

A few weeks later, I blocked her from social networking and blocked her phone number with a message that everything was a lie between us. This is something that may have burned a bridge or made me look stupid in her eyes, but it's done.

Yeah, that was emotionally reactive, but I find when Im reactive like this I look back at it like I did and realize there's a less reactive emotion I'm ignoring. Which was that I just need to cut all ties completely so I can truly work on myself. having her appear from time to time on my social networking home page, makes me have small bits of hope, which doesn't help me in this situation.

So I sent an email, apologized for the reactiveness, told her I love her but need to let her go and I don't want to be her shrink or just friends or anything like that and that I wish her the best and want her to be happy. Actually this felt good bc my feelings had been stagnating inside and making me feel real shitty. Now I've let them go.

So, I'm open to her one day growing up a little and maybe? who knows?

But in the meantime, my plan is to completely work on myself and live the life I want as much as possible so I can attract someone of quality.(Actually that is what I was doing when she found me)

By the way, I say square 2 above because it's not really square 1, I have learned and gained a lot from this experience.


Yeah, thats what I did with

Yeah, thats what I did with her....

I've thought over it all to see what I could've done and such.

And I realized the reason I held on so long was because this wasn't like my other relationships with highly emotional women...(there's been a few now)

Basically in this relationship, things had started out right. She still had her issues, but was working on herself and who she wanted to be.

The thing that originally made us bond was that the night we met, I opened up and told her I was terrified of relationships and she told me she was too, and basically everything started with radical honesty about our issues and we would have good communication and space here and there to work on ourselves and each other and of course a few fights here and there, but I always could get her to calm down and then she would share what she had really been feeling and that it wasn't about me.

But, then that performance anxiety ED thing happened. At first there was understanding, even said to me in a phone conversation, "I guess if you were a dick to me all the time, I wouldn't want to fuck you either..."

But, after a while, it was like a switch had been flipped and it was back to the old programming more and more and eventually became this shallow person who was interested in alpha males; those who had things and money. At the time I met her, she actually hated these types of people because her attitude was she didn't need them to complete her, especially with this attitude like "You're supposed to fulfill you're role now that I've filled mine"(meaning, make me dinner and have sex with me)

When I say alpha male, I of course mean our society's definition of alpha male, because I personally believe a true alpha male is like it is in the animal kingdom. In a pack of animals the alpha is the one who is the most calm and stable emotionally, calm-assertive and leads through true strength and not with negative and controlling energy like in the human world.

I'm stuck being poor atm, don't plan on being for long, but I have a job I like and a car and most of my belongings I cherish and love because I worked for them and rehabilitated some of them.

I believe that if she wants to be the strong independent woman she was striving to be, she would quit this search and go back to work on herself to get the things she wants in life and not take this shortcut, especially with jerks.

The sad thing is that, I did better in my previous relationships with highly emotional women when I was more of a jerk. I think if your self image tells you you don't deserve to be treated well, the incongruency makes the person who treats you well unattractive...(whats wrong with you that you could love someone like me?)