Finally over.... I think

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So I had a conversation over the phone with her yesterday. If you don't know who *she* is pls read my recent blog entries.

Anyhow we had this conversation and she was basically saying she is no longer willing to even try having sex anymore, so we will be friends and there was talk of dating other people. I was trying to impart on her that all I need is probably a few practice runs where we fool around and there is no pressure, but that she can do what she wants, its up to her. So we're at an impasse

She called me back a few minutes later saying the reason she was frustrated and bothered by it so much was bc she really liked me  Dash 1. But she still wasn't willing to try. When she kept saying she wouldn't try anymore she was saying it like she was trying to convince herself as much as me. And then she was saying can't I just see a doctor and see if anything else is wrong and couldn't I just see if maybe get me on anti anxiety meds? And she was saying that it was causing her to feel less attracted to me. And we talked about how she feels rejected when it happens like I don't think she is pretty, but I told again for the umpteenth time that if I didn't like her a LOT I wouldn't get nervous and it wouldn't happen. Another factor with this is at in the beginning we would cuddle and I would get stiff just from her putting her leg over my body or just seeing her in her underwear. Im pretty sure most guys have ED at least to a degree from porn and masturbation and don't do this, so this gave her a bigger contrast between then and now, not that it's my fault, just saying its a possible factor.

I don't know why me telling her I just need patience and affection to remove my stress carries less weight than the idea of a pill that fixes things. Why are people so attached to medical cures when it shows up more and more that they don't work and are designed to keep income coming in to the industry? Not that doctors don't have a purpose, I just believe in wholistic and natural for healing over time treatments and doctors for stitches and life threatening stuff.

She said she may want to hang out this weekend, but I think I will talk to her again about this and tell her to take yet more time from me to think about it. She may yet miss me after a while enough to change her attitude, idk. But I was going to talk to her about how in the beginning, when things were good between us and we had good sex there wasn't the same pressure and we fooled around without it always leading to sex and that's the magical chemical formula for both of us, I think. Whether she likes or believes it or not, she also has a kind of performance anxiety or she wouldn't get frustrated with my failures right away and give up assuming its not going to happen.

I'm either a glutton for punishment or someone who really wants to make things work. Maybe someday someone will appreciate that quality. But, if it's over then I can just feel some relief and move on.

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Idk I have sent a few

Idk I have sent a few articles I googled to her by email. They all say it is perfectly curable. will these enlighten her any more than those?

But she "tried" and was "patient" for a while in her words. If that was her version of patient, I'd hate to see her version of impatient.

So, she invited me over and

So, she invited me over and we talked. In her words, she probably won't stop being a bitch in the bedroom. So at this time there is no working on the solution. I did show her the above articles, I don't think it did any good.

But we talked about the idea that she wants to be alone for a while and not do relationships to work on herself for a while. She has said she probably won't have sex with anyone anytime soon, mainly because she plans on moving one day, just wants to meet new people and hang out, so we will both date other people.

She said she wouldn't write off the idea of us reconnecting one day. And towards that idea she was talking about how she wants me to act less codependent, like she wants me to be less emotionally involved and not look at her or act like she is the source of my happiness and be so codependent, making her feel smothered(she isn't exactly wrong, but then sometimes we work on our problems together in relationships). And she wants me to be more balanced as in not always nice and accomodating to her. She also thinks it will help me to go out and have some sex with 2 or 3 more women as she thinks it will help with these things as well as experience(she has been with a lot more people than me).

She also said she was afraid she would've eventually hurt me if we stayed together. I guess either way I need to continue my work on the No More Mr Nice Guy Stuff.

I'm trying to calm my angry feelings here, but I kinda just want to reiterate to her how I feel about her, then tell her that I'm good for her and probably the best thing that ever happened in her life and if she doesn't know it, I don't even want to talk to her anymore. Dirol

But, if I stay friends with her, we are where we were at in the beginning. She was saying all the same things then, the only difference was that she kept calling and we kept seeing each other and bam, suddenly it was a sexual relationship. Now, we hardly see each other, but still talk and txt a lot. So maybe... 

If she wants

her perception to stabilize, she needs to get her sexuality under her control. Until then, she'll throw all her partners out of balance...and then blame them for their co-dependence or whatever.

She's right that she needs to work on herself, but my guess is that she'll accomplish very little until she sorts out her sexual energy. Maybe while she's on her own she could make some experiments: Sexual Energy and the Single Woman

We always cuddled a lot. Only

We always cuddled a lot. Only once or twice did I say just cuddling and sex is off the table. She sort of took it personally. Honestly I'm probably the first man in her life to come along that, although I think she is sexy and like making love to her, I also genuinely think of her as a human being and not an object. I don't think she understands this....

But, she insists that cuddling me makes her horny, so idk it's still an impasse I guess.

It may be true...

cuddling with you may make her horny. It happens with me and my wife sometimes, I may get uncomfortably horny. Usually trying a different position works, for example if she spoons me from behind, it's very pleasant and not overly arousing.

You could try spooning her, and just put your top hand on her shoulder or belly or leg, not on her breasts which might be too arousing.

I agree with done4now, though, this relationship is taking too much energy. You don't need to have a dramatic breakup, but do start looking for other opportunities.

She'd been saying all week she

She'd been saying all week she missed me, so today we hung out and ended cuddling in bed and she started talking about "my problem" again and how she wanted to find someone else.

This time I finally just snapped and told her she was a whore for wanting to leave me and find someone else just cuz my dick doesn't work on command. I'm afraid that bridge may be burned now.... Idk I guess it doesn't matter anymore...

She did basically say she would rather be in a meaningless relationship for sex than ours without it, even though she has said it was one of the few best relationships she'd ever been in.

Idk was that unfair of me to say... ?  Not my brightest moment... sometimes sh*t just gets to me after a while and I say stupid unkind things in my anger....

Not your finest moment...

Calling someone a whore is pretty harsh. But what you said is understandable, given your recent history and circumstances.

I really dislike conflict. I don't like to be angry with people, or have people be angry with me. So if I was in your place, I would be inclined to apologize and try to smooth things over, regardless of whether you want to get together again.

You could explain that the ED is extremely frustrating for you, too. (Not just for her! If she is very self-centered, that may not have occurred to her.) But pressure from her to have sex is counterproductive. It probably delays your recovery.

If you enjoy cuddling and sleeping together, you could tell her that, and ask how she feels about it. If she doesn't like it because it makes her horny and frustrated, maybe you can find a way to cuddle that doesn't make her horny. Or, you might offer to hold her while she gets herself off. Then you can both watch and see if her mood or personality changes in the following hours or days.

Regarding her saying she wants to find someone else... I'd say just try to accept it and don't put up resistance. "You want to find someone else? Ok, go for it! You're still welcome to come over and cuddle or sleep over - at least as long as I don't have a steady girlfriend. But if you don't want to be my girlfriend, I'll probably start looking for someone else, too."

Wishing you good luck!

went through this

cadethefaun

I went through this so i know how you feel. The push/pull of this kind of relationship can be very difficult and the emotional tug and war- exhausting. I chose to step away from a relationship like this because there were too many abandoment issues due to personal issues and us not living together just made them worse. The sexual chemistry could not be controlled and then other things happened (long story). Anyway, i feel much more balanced now outside of that relationship but it was difficult to walk away (even though she ddidn't think so!)

Good luck!

fixing the problem could not be simpler

just quit masturbation and porn and fantasy for a few months and you'll probably be just fine. (You may be able to restart masturbation but you can never restart porn or fantasy or you'll end up back to where you are now, most likely.)

Cuddling with someone you care about can help make this work a lot faster and easier. It is a MIRACLE really. The more you can do, the quicker you'll recover.

The solution *is* simple. NOT easy. Very much not easy!!

But when you are ready for it, it will happen for you. 

Some men do better with social help on forums. But many do not. I'm not sure that forums are good for a lot of men trying to quit porn, fantasy and masturbation. Many men may be better off with in-person meetings, perhaps AA. Or an accountability partner in real life. I'm not sure.

The key to escaping an addiction in any event, whether you feel forums help or meetings, is REPLACEMENT BEHAVIORS.

Decide IN ADVANCE what you will do instead of porn, masturbation and fantasy. Figure out when you are likely to use them, what job they serve in your life (they always serve a job), and decide on an alternate behavior in advance, for when that time arrives.

Then you do the alternate behavior.

This is the key along with cuddling if you can...replacement behaviors.

 

 

I'm not really having any

I'm not really having any problems with porn atm, personally. But I think she may... Cuddling does help me a lot though.

Although I did look at some recently out of sheer depression for this relationship failing, but I didn't  watch it for more than a min or two and didn't M all the way to O. I guess I'm just not really into it anymore, I'd rather be with a real person...

My performance issue was mostly caused by her behavior. I wasn't going to mention it, bc nothing new really happened, but she actually started being nice to me for a week or two making a real effort after apologizing and stuff and I had been doing mantak chia exercises and then it came back some and we fooled around a bit and I gave her oral(yes, she orgasmed, but she is so insistent I may as well give her what she wants...?).

She gushed about how great it was and was sort of glowing for a couple hours. Then the next day we fooled around and she seemed very understanding about it and asked if we could try sex and we did, but I guess I still had low vital energy or still a bit of performance anxiety and after only 2 or 3 minutes(but this was after fooling around a while) I was going to come so I pulled out and started giving her oral again.... And guess what happened...? She was only acting about being understanding I guess and we argued and now haven't talked for the longest time yet. Ok she probably wasn't acting, but still felt rejected and got mad about it.

The hard part is that, when I have had situations over the past year or so I thought might lead to something good romantically, I asked the I ching(similar to the oracle here) and it basically said no go, and sure enough, they didn't work out. But I ask the IC questions about this situation and it keeps saying stuff like "stand by her" and "this situation hasn't fully developed yet". I almost wish it would just tell me to give up this time but it won't. I don't know why.

Sometimes

you have to stick with something until you really learn the lesson. Wink

But what about getting her to play around with soft entry next time? Then she won't feel "rejected," right?

In the beginning, she was

In the beginning, she was different. We talked about soft entry and slow sex and she was open to it. In fact she said she was intimidated by my size when we would lay together cuddling before we started having sex and this was when I first told her about soft entry and how she just needed to relax the muscles(she is "tight" and my penis is technically "average" according to current statistical data(I think some people might be embellishing), however most of my girlfriends including her have told me I'm well endowed)

All the sex in the beginning was slow and she said it was great. But I don't think she remembers this...

Now, she insists on friction based sex and wants to be "pounded". About a month or so after we met, she went off birth control partly bc I urged her that it was screwing up her hormones and partly bc she had not had a period in a couple years so she wanted to get it back in order to know she was able to have children some day. It seemed after this she started acting differently, I guess as she is balancing out, it has raised her libido and thus made her more cranky or something.

Anyway, I think the raise of the libido + something about the porn and/or my size made her greedy or something...

I guess porn ruined something that could have been great...

I guess I have to let it go. I just was so attached bc she had told me that right b4 we met, she was putting out the thought into the universe of finding a companion who was of her same vibration and I had been putting the thought of meeting someone good who complements me dynamically and/ or a soul mate and our meeting seemed like this chance meeting and it felt to both of us like soul mates at first (btw soul mate is just a label, what I'm really saying is that I think some people are sort of meant for each other if not fated to be together) and I would have thought the universe was right but I guess something went wrong.... 

She hasn't talked to me since our last fight at all so I'm thinking she probably is with someone else now....

Frustrating

But going off the pill explains a lot. I expect her mood could be swinging around for a while...especially after orgasm if she's sensitive to it.

Who knows what the future holds? Meanwhile, what can you do to date others?

You Deserve Someone Better

Jeez dude, what does this chick gotta do before you get the message, take a hammer to your nads? I don’t know about calling her a whore, but she is definitely a bitch. I have no problem popping wood but if my girlfriend treated me like this chick treats you I don’t think I could get it up either.

Remember what Marnia said, “You don't owe her an apology for anything. And certainly not the state of your erections with her. You're not a dildo.” So don’t feel bad about what you said in response to her dissing you about your erections again. She keeps taking a shit on you and you say thank you; stop doing that, tell her to “F” off.

Take my advice, kick her to the curb. Next take Emerson’s advice and heal yourself. Finally take Sender’s advice, “And there are 3 billion other women on the planet; I'm sure you can find one that won't treat you like a chew toy...” Good luck man you deserve someone who treats you way better than you have been treated.

you do deserve better

I just ended a relationship with a good woman who was hostile to the idea of karezza; she insisted that giving up orgasm was something only for people with sexual problems, and even though she claims to have read some of the articles on this site, she clearly either didn't understand them, or (my hunch) was just not interested. It wasn't easy to let her go, but I really had no choice, if I was going to honor my own integrity. Let her go and don't look back. There are plenty of women with the character and capacity to treat you well and support you in this journey. You can do better -- much better....

Hmmm....

I think sexual imbalance exacerbates some disorders...and also mimics them. Just as guys think they have ADD and then get off of porn and notice massive improvements in concentration and focus, so women's wild mood swings from overstimulation could be exacerbating or mimicing that kind of disorder. It certainly was the case with me, and I'm certain I don't have either of those conditions.

Until we understand the effects of sex on the brain, we're really diagnosing a lot of disorders blind, IMHO. Acute