So I had a conversation over the phone with her yesterday. If you don't know who *she* is pls read my recent blog entries.
Anyhow we had this conversation and she was basically saying she is no longer willing to even try having sex anymore, so we will be friends and there was talk of dating other people. I was trying to impart on her that all I need is probably a few practice runs where we fool around and there is no pressure, but that she can do what she wants, its up to her. So we're at an impasse
She called me back a few minutes later saying the reason she was frustrated and bothered by it so much was bc she really liked me . But she still wasn't willing to try. When she kept saying she wouldn't try anymore she was saying it like she was trying to convince herself as much as me. And then she was saying can't I just see a doctor and see if anything else is wrong and couldn't I just see if maybe get me on anti anxiety meds? And she was saying that it was causing her to feel less attracted to me. And we talked about how she feels rejected when it happens like I don't think she is pretty, but I told again for the umpteenth time that if I didn't like her a LOT I wouldn't get nervous and it wouldn't happen. Another factor with this is at in the beginning we would cuddle and I would get stiff just from her putting her leg over my body or just seeing her in her underwear. Im pretty sure most guys have ED at least to a degree from porn and masturbation and don't do this, so this gave her a bigger contrast between then and now, not that it's my fault, just saying its a possible factor.
I don't know why me telling her I just need patience and affection to remove my stress carries less weight than the idea of a pill that fixes things. Why are people so attached to medical cures when it shows up more and more that they don't work and are designed to keep income coming in to the industry? Not that doctors don't have a purpose, I just believe in wholistic and natural for healing over time treatments and doctors for stitches and life threatening stuff.
She said she may want to hang out this weekend, but I think I will talk to her again about this and tell her to take yet more time from me to think about it. She may yet miss me after a while enough to change her attitude, idk. But I was going to talk to her about how in the beginning, when things were good between us and we had good sex there wasn't the same pressure and we fooled around without it always leading to sex and that's the magical chemical formula for both of us, I think. Whether she likes or believes it or not, she also has a kind of performance anxiety or she wouldn't get frustrated with my failures right away and give up assuming its not going to happen.
I'm either a glutton for punishment or someone who really wants to make things work. Maybe someday someone will appreciate that quality. But, if it's over then I can just feel some relief and move on.