this memory

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Submitted by cadethefaun on
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So I have this memory. Of when I was a child. My dad is changing my diaper in the bathroom. He is very pissed. Apparently I was supposed to be potty-trained by now. "Look at this!" He holds the diaper with a chunk of poo in it right before my nose. "Do you want me to make you eat this?" I realize it was not how much he meant it that got to me. (He didn't actually make me eat it) It was the fact I thought he did. I even imagined what it would taste like and everything, and that's why it got to me.

I guess the point is that, as a child, I was damaged in ways that, even now, I cannot deal with because they are still beyond my comprehension. Even now, my mind cannot compute because I simply believed that that's just what I was.... The person everyone treats this way.... I'm less than human....

How does that apply now?

I was just laid off. It was a job I actually wanted to keep. But the boss didn't like me because I had this look on my face. That mean look I learned to have because every adult relative I grew up with would have removed it if I had a happy look. Happy, proud of something I accomplished, they always found some way to remove that look. It was unacceptable to them for some reason...
So, I have this look ingrained into me, a knee jerk reaction to everything... Very hard to break it and show some other face.

Anyway, I thought of this when I was at the bar... This girl who was nothing but a tease let me finger her and teased me all night, and, yet, I knew all along it would end the way it did. She was leaving and I was like bye, whatever, and she went on to tell me how she needed me, I had to be there next week, cuz I elevated her from the shit mood she was in when she walked in. I just said "Oh I get it. So I'm just nothing more or less than the guy who is supposed to help you when you are down" and I walked off and didn't look back. By the way, she was leaving with someone else...

Maybe I'll see her next weekend... Won't that be a joy? Where're the smilies? can't find em....

Comments

I'm sorry to hear that

It's likely your relatives were themselves under stress...or had had overly harsh parents. That may be small comfort, but it if helps you reframe things, it may be a useful insight.

Also, painful as the job loss is...at least you know what you need to do. Smile. This is something you can train yourself to do, even if it takes time.

Finally, what's wrong with helping someone have a good night? Did you have to reframe it into being used? Weren't you also enjoying the flirting?

As the saying goes, we can't change what happens to us, but we have a lot of power over how we react. Find a book and get serious about reframing how you analyze the events in your life. You have way too much to offer to stay stuck in childhood patterns. And here's the thing: Even if the adults in your childhood sat down and apologized right now for everything they did wrong...you're still the only one who can reprogram yourself.

You can do it.

*big hug*

telling ourselves stories

about *why* something is how it is...is fine but it's nothing but a story. It could be true, it could not be true, who knows.

It might be better to focus on what you are going to do *now* and not to believe memories and theories that "I am this way today because..." Those just don't help us grow, in my experience, those stories and theories.

I find it helpful to do the work -- fill in a worksheet and do inquiry on your beliefs.

And most important -- as Marnia has suggested, perhaps it's behavioral -- smile more often, look people more in the eye, pick up your posture.

You can often fake it for awhile and when you do, the smiling and improved posture affects your brain in a positive feedback loop and you feel better all around.

infinity wrote:

[quote=infinity]As for that girl - forget her. You just met and she already needs you? And she left with someone else? I hope you washed your hands man, she sounds like a user.[/quote]

No, I get that. It just pissed me off at the time. It's been 4 years since I got laid. I would have probably gone home with her, so it's good she didn't want to.

As for the memories, I don't have theories like, "I am this way bc of this" Instead, I will realize I have an issue or problem and think, "Why am I like this?" and usually after thinking about it awhile I'll remember. I think there are memories that affect me that I'm not aware of. A few months ago, I remembered sort of a repressed memory. I remember my neighbor, who was babysitting me humiliating me bc I had lied to him and I remembered walking away from that interaction feeling really shamed and humiliated, but couldn't remember why, until I remembered that he slapped me across the face really hard. So hard, I felt dizzy and I think my ears were buzzing.

Reframing is good, but I don't think I can do it alone. I have found that, sometimes, no matter how much I do the positive reaffirmation or tell myself the positive truth, it doesn't sink in until someone else says it to me. Like I said, I was damaged and I guess deep down I have to be given permission to believe the positive. Like the title of the book, "Been Down So Long it Feels Like Up". My therapist really helped me with that. I think he was the first person in my life who ever showed me unconditional love, even when I told him some of the worst things I thought of or did. And he would talk to me like I was a child, but yet, like an adult. I just kept thinking this was the way I should have been treated as a child, and it was like it was healing the child within...

Tell us what you want to hear

I'll be happy to remind you of who you really are, Cade. I have often been awed by your intelligence, curiosity about life and all round goodness. That's why I don't want you to get stuck...no matter what "they" did to you.

*big hug*

Ok... I still have this

Ok... I still have this aversion to asking for help. So, I'll ask anyway...

I want to hear that I'm likeable and loveable. That the people around me are just crazy or something bc they don't see my worth...

That's not even what I feel in my mind, heart or guts, it's just what I think--not believe yet--but must be the truth. Otherwise, the way people have treated me -- with an inordinate amount of people reinforcing my dad's sentiment that I'm not good enough, never amount to anything, can't do anything right -- doesn't make any sense.

Cade,

I suspect all of us have had periods of this. And we're all kinda wonderful when we're shining.

I don't know about you, but I've come to believe that our beliefs do influence what we attract to a degree. So if you want people to see your wonderfulness (and you ARE wonderful...at least I've always thought so), then your first job is to convince yourself. Start with your mirror. Look yourself in the eye and affirm those things you know to be true about yourself. I bet you will see some of those new beliefs reflected back to you from others as soon as you convince your subconscious that you mean them.

Let me know if it works.

*big hug*