So I was on an online dating site just to update the profile and check for messages and I noticed something. I browsed the women a little and noticed that I could see from the look in their eyes that most of them don't really want to meet someone and aren't even in a mental and spiritual state where they could meet someone. Meaning they project something outward, aura or otherwise that prevents meeting who they would truly want to meet.
So I have this memory. Of when I was a child. My dad is changing my diaper in the bathroom. He is very pissed. Apparently I was supposed to be potty-trained by now. "Look at this!" He holds the diaper with a chunk of poo in it right before my nose. "Do you want me to make you eat this?" I realize it was not how much he meant it that got to me. (He didn't actually make me eat it) It was the fact I thought he did. I even imagined what it would taste like and everything, and that's why it got to me.
I feel a profound sense of lack. Loneliness. Sometimes. I think the problem is that, besides growing up in abusive, dysfunctional home, There was no love shown, none of the normal, affectionate touching and play that a family has normally.
And then, I grew up, and still no love shown, like the whole world wanted to ignore me and watch me wither and die. I feel as if that's what has happened, I have withered and died inside and I cannot understand. I cannot understand the world around me, the things people do and how they relate to each other.
So, It turns out that Santa Claus used to be Odin a long time ago....
The fact that early christians grafted pieces of pagan ritual and such into their own celebrations in order to get more followers tells me that there was much less of a rift between pagans and christians and that pagans could not have been viewed as "EVIL" like they are now... I think that labeling and all the horror stories came later as a justification for witch trials and the inquisition.
Oops, is it okay to post controversial subjects like this on reuniting?
So, I went a long time getting to about 5 to 7 days each time between MO. Hadn't watched porn in about 6 months, then I had a breakthrough and made it 39-40 days.
Then, I got too excited over a period of a few hours, decided to play with it, and watched about 2 minutes of porn as I finished, then 2 days later watched it for an hour or two.