140 days - a struggle without ending

Submitted by Cassius on
Printer-friendly version

Hello everyone.

This will be a long post and i hope some of you might read it all and give some opinions. I especially hope for your advice Marnia and Gary.

I'm at day 140 of my current attempt to overcome my ED and regain erectile health, if ever such a thing is possible for me which i doubt very much so.

Since it has been more than three months when i last posted at reuniting i don't think many of you readers will remember me and my struggles and so i just want to say that my personal goal is more to break free from my masturbation addiction as from the use of porn. My masturbation habit was that i would masturbate prone once or twice a day and i did this for more than half my live. I'm 29 years old now.
I also have to add that i always masturbated using fantasy which during the last years was more and more influenced by the use of internet porn.

That said i can truthly add that i'm without any kind of porn since early march 2011 - more than a year.

I'm actively trying to reboot since June 2011 and i had a lot of good attempts of abstinence from MO, the best of them 66 days and 58 days. I never binged for more than a day between the attempts but my progress was denied none the less.

Today i'm at day 140 without masturbating prone which seems to be a major achievement but to me it means just nothing because i see so little improvement. During this last 140 days i had five orgasms at days 58, 102, 106, 115 and 126. All of them through normal masturbation using my hand and with very little fantasy.

The one at day 58 was an accident and that at day 102 was because i wanted to test this method of gentle self massaging to rewire oneself to normal touch. It felt very good because i was way more sensible than i remembered and i actually got quite a nice erection for mostly all the time but i ended up in too much masturbation than just touching and before i knew it i came. I did not experience a chaser effect the next days which was as new to me than the feeling of sensitivity while masturbating.

At day 106 i decided to test this method again but to stop myself before edging this time. Guess what - i was so totally dead downstairs again that i got myself to orgasm while being barely erect because all seemed lost and despair took me once more. Still no real chaser effect the next days.

I then abstained until day 115 and at the days between i constantly thought that i could try a masturbation schedule just to rewire myself slowly to normal masturbation methods and so i decided to MO again, weak erection included.

After that third orgasm in 14 days i experienced the chaser effect again and i also got into a depressed mood in the following days.

The last orgasm at day 126 was still more or less a try for schedule but after that i got such an immense chaser effect which nearly got me into masturbating prone that i'm completely abstaining again.

I'm since having so intense cravings for masturbating prone again, that it occures to me that i will never get rid of that addiction. Every day is a constant struggle and what seemed like four small orgasms in a month was in fact so very too much that i'm on the edge of totally relapsing after more than four and a half months. Struggling all day, never beeing able to just relax because i can't let go of my guard. Cravings that won't let me go to sleep and if finally i'm able to are reawakening me in the middle of the night, leaving me breathless and sweating.

When all this time did so few and that little progress i made was denied so easily why should i still think i could overcome this at last? Where are all those 'feel-good-feelings' everyone states after longer periods of abstaining? Where are such mythical things like spontaneous erections or long lasting morning erections? Or the desire to connect with other people?

Why does it seem that all this struggling is nothing but a constant waste of time and effort?

It's making me mad, if i haven't already gotten so during the last half year of 'rebooting'....

But still, my mood is actually not that bad as it may seem while reading this. It's never good but i'm not in the total mood of despair which would follow a relapse.

I just don't know how long i can resist these cravings any more, i think a total relapse with masturbating prone could very well be my last. Not a very pleasant thought.

Thanks to everyone who reads this, opinions are very welcome.

Cassius

Comments

.

Your 'record' is very good. How's your lifestyle in general? Diet, exercise, job, stress, etc?

I'm exercising a lot and my

I'm exercising a lot and my diet should be well enough so that shouldn't be things that delay my progress.

I think the most stress i'm having is with staying clean and ignoring my cravings, othwerwise right now i don't really have a lot of stress until the end of my study which might stress me a lot during the next months.

I quit masturbating prone

I quit masturbating prone nearly 8 years ago.I have no doubt you can do that. I initially found it very uncomfortable but after a while (2 months?) my mind adjusted. The key to all this is having a more realisic M schedule, because M with your hand feels great too, so that replaces the prone way. Stay strong, I think you have made more progress than you give yourself credit for.

It feels great of course but

It feels great of course but would i want to wire up my brain to being only half erect when i'm about to orgasm?
I think it might be possible that i could rewire myself to normal masturbation but only if i did this mostly every day.
I don't think that i could avoid relapsing while trying so and the last few orgasms clearly showed me that i would also get into a depressed mood after it which i really don't want to be in.

I think it's more likely that i would be able to stop masturbation altogether instead of just changing the method of doing it.

Well done for going so long without porn

That is a significant improvement, so it's not fair to say only a little progress has been made, i think you are being harsh on yourself.

I did a reboot for 9 weeks, i had progress yes, but when i tried intercourse last week i was not totally successful (enough to penetrate but not complete and felt dead, namely through anxiety but also not having that primal urge). So i too am back on the wagon so to speak.

If i could encourage you to do one thing, it is to forget about your 140 days and start from scratch, by that i mean mentally. Looking back during a period where there has been no improvement is to someextent pointless. Think about this i am 36 and still not fully recovered, you have SO much time to catch up with me that i'm sure, physical causes aside that you will cure the issue. Some of us will take a lot longer, may be a year, may be two, all i know is that you have 8 years on me so dont think so negatively. I didnt even know what my problem was at your age, that was really scary and i guess you're feeling that too right now. Thinking its just the way i am born, perhaps i will remain celibate etc...

I'm going to start (when i complete this reboot) more intimate female contact, naked massages only to begin with, to get more comfortable with it all as a woman can have an amazing reaction on a person down below, that Masturbating alone can't...the heat, scent, skin etc.

You have time and options...

V.Important to rule out physical issues (i imagine you've had tests etc?), particularly if morning wood is non-existent.

Hope that helps to some extent.

Regards
Vis

Yes i've had tests which

Yes i've had tests which showed that everything should be just fine. I'm also having morning would and night time erections most of the time but like in the beginning of rebooting (10 months ago), those erections are never full and varying very much in their hardness.

Hey,

Hey,

I know how you feel. I've been going through this process for like 240+ days (over 8 months now).
I didn't PMO for the first 4 months but started adding back masturbation 1 to 2 times a week in the last 4. I have seen some improvements but when I try to have sex, I still have ED/PE. My libido is weak and morning erections went away (not sure why).

I think you should stick with the process. I am about the same age as you (30) and I do feel depressed about this problem. I think about it every day. But, I keep trying. I have nothing to lose by trying and everything to gain.

Just try to focus on the positive things. For me, I can now masturbate without porn and just using stimulation and little fantasy. I can keep it up as long as I want pretty much. Also, my testicles as noticeably bigger. I have little/no cravings to watch porn anymore.

Just keep trying and take it one day at a time.

My God...

So it would be right to assume that for us 30ish type of guys with a long history of porn use, a whole year would be the reboot time? Seems so incredibly monumental, considering that this day is day 1 for me.

No, I wouldn't say that. I

No, I wouldn't say that. I think I'm just extra anxious about this as my last longterm gf (which I thought I would marry) broke up with me over this issue. That was before I knew about PMO/rebooting.

Anyway, there have been others here around this age that have recovered quickly.

my marriage

broke up because of this issue, at the time i did not know what the problem was or more importantly the cure. It's very sad so i feel for you as it made mefeel that i let my partner down and am not a proper man...i succeed in pretty much everything else in my life

I would not fantasise at all when masturbating, i've been doing this since my reboot & worse engaging in fantasy text chat. Erections were fine i thought until i tried sex. I got complacent as im now on day 2 of another reboot so am now paying more close attention to erections and actually my morning wood & "about to go to sleep wood" is no where near as powerful as the first 2 or 3 weeks after i finished my reboot period (prematurely in my opinion).

Gary has often stated that the true test is to be able to masturabate and get fully hard without any fantasy at all, just touch... i could only do that to semi when i quit, so a lesson learned for me!

Sorry to hear about your

Sorry to hear about your marriage. At least we now know the problems so there is hope.

I have been able to masturbate with no fantasy and just touch. It generally takes longer to get erect (about 5 minutes) but I can do it. That is definitely a good sign as before PMO, I would have trouble getting erect using porn.

The problem is that even at this stage, I couldn't perform during sex. I attempted it a few weeks ago. I think that I have a lot of performance anxiety still. I also don't feel horny or really want to have sex because of this issue.

For me, being totally healed is both having normal sex drive and ability to perform. I still remember when I would try NOT to have an erection (due to premature ejaculation) when I was with a girl and my brain would still make me rock hard.

That's ok Fixme

These things happen and often for the best. I think the fact that it takes 5 mins to get erect without fantasy and just touch shows that you are not fully healed yet. I was at that stage when i quite my reboot, as i (much like you) noticed a huge difference pre and post reboot. At the time i had only heard Gary mention the touch only thing a couple of times, but now (perhaps i'm just keeping an eye out for it) i have noticed he said it a lot.

For me your definition of being healed is the one i believe i too.

I think we are at pretty much the same stage in our recovery, in both feeling and erection response, i am ignoring who has the most time rebooting or who has viewed porn the least as those are particular to the person. Some recover much much quicker (lucky them) others take longer...I can accept it will take me longer as i binged for pretty much 20 years, sometimes 5-10 times a day (in my pathetic youthful 'prime' that is!).

I aim to go on a reboot until touch only is sufficient and then i will try only once (instead of my usual MO binge!) before i start a 'bonding program' with a girl to get confidence back in being erect without artificial means then slowly progress further.

Are you still abstaining from MO?

Regards
Vis

I started a masturbation

I started a masturbation schedule after 5 months. I was doing it 1-2 times per week but now I think i'm getting worse. I used to have morning wood but haven't had it in the last 4 weeks.
I read XPornHead30's posts and he encountered something similar. I think I just have to abstain from all masturbation forever.

The same here

I started to binge MO (1-2 times a day), my erections are not as strong as they were when i first came of my reboot (9 weeks). I am not sure i can go forever without masturbation...perhaps after a longer period it has less effect..may be after a couple of years..who knows. My biggest prob is that fantasy comes into my MO, that i think is the biggest prob with MO for someone recovering...

You mention the thing which

You mention the thing which is most terrifying to me because even after all this time i'm not feeling any kind of libido or desire to have sex.
The last time i had sex was about 10 months ago and sad as it is there are absolutely no women in my life.

I am feeling the strong desire to be intimate with a girl but it's mostly about cuddling and kissing and if i fantasize about such things, which i think i'm doing too often in the last weeks, there simply isn't any kind of life downstairs.

why dont you try it Cass

I know somepeople object to escorts on personal grounds, but you don't have to have sex with her, arrange to meet with one for naked cuddling, make it clear that is all you want, part of some mystical eastern relaxation technique you are trying...not that she will care, in fact it would make a pleasant change for her i imagine. That way you can track progress with a real woman (rather than fantasy) to see how it goes...reaction below or no reaction below doesnt really matter. I failed with an escort the other week, but after around 5 years without being with a woman intimately after i came (my own hand relief) it still felt great to be with a woman, we chatted and just stroked each others body for a while, it was pleasant bonding and made me think of the path ahead more positively.

The danger with rebooting is that it is very lonely and you end up over thinking about the issue, this is a dangerous spiral as the the stress (even subconsiously) doesnt help the little man below....and to some extent the longer you go without it, the more aprehensive/unsure you become about whether you will perform, probably why most of us want to test with masturbation.

Lots of gals now offer nuru massage, i havent tried it, but i heard it's pretty cool, there is no expectation and often no sex even allowed.

Cassius

Thanks for sharing your story, even if you're not back to normal. Have you checked out this page? I've been trying to collect techniques that are helping the "slow rebooter" crowd. I keep adding to the page, so even if you have visited it, have another look. Let me know if you try any of the ideas. Tips For Former Fappers

I think the cuddle buddy idea would be excellent, but also experiment with the energy circulation exercises. Remember, it's just a matter of rewiring your brain. Your equipment is already working. Alas, we're all figuring out how best to do this as a group, and no one has The Perfect Answer. So try different things until you see progress.

*big hug*