This will be a long post and i hope some of you might read it all and give some opinions. I especially hope for your advice Marnia and Gary.
I'm at day 140 of my current attempt to overcome my ED and regain erectile health, if ever such a thing is possible for me which i doubt very much so.
Since it has been more than three months when i last posted at reuniting i don't think many of you readers will remember me and my struggles and so i just want to say that my personal goal is more to break free from my masturbation addiction as from the use of porn. My masturbation habit was that i would masturbate prone once or twice a day and i did this for more than half my live. I'm 29 years old now.
I also have to add that i always masturbated using fantasy which during the last years was more and more influenced by the use of internet porn.
That said i can truthly add that i'm without any kind of porn since early march 2011 - more than a year.
I'm actively trying to reboot since June 2011 and i had a lot of good attempts of abstinence from MO, the best of them 66 days and 58 days. I never binged for more than a day between the attempts but my progress was denied none the less.
Today i'm at day 140 without masturbating prone which seems to be a major achievement but to me it means just nothing because i see so little improvement. During this last 140 days i had five orgasms at days 58, 102, 106, 115 and 126. All of them through normal masturbation using my hand and with very little fantasy.
The one at day 58 was an accident and that at day 102 was because i wanted to test this method of gentle self massaging to rewire oneself to normal touch. It felt very good because i was way more sensible than i remembered and i actually got quite a nice erection for mostly all the time but i ended up in too much masturbation than just touching and before i knew it i came. I did not experience a chaser effect the next days which was as new to me than the feeling of sensitivity while masturbating.
At day 106 i decided to test this method again but to stop myself before edging this time. Guess what - i was so totally dead downstairs again that i got myself to orgasm while being barely erect because all seemed lost and despair took me once more. Still no real chaser effect the next days.
I then abstained until day 115 and at the days between i constantly thought that i could try a masturbation schedule just to rewire myself slowly to normal masturbation methods and so i decided to MO again, weak erection included.
After that third orgasm in 14 days i experienced the chaser effect again and i also got into a depressed mood in the following days.
The last orgasm at day 126 was still more or less a try for schedule but after that i got such an immense chaser effect which nearly got me into masturbating prone that i'm completely abstaining again.
I'm since having so intense cravings for masturbating prone again, that it occures to me that i will never get rid of that addiction. Every day is a constant struggle and what seemed like four small orgasms in a month was in fact so very too much that i'm on the edge of totally relapsing after more than four and a half months. Struggling all day, never beeing able to just relax because i can't let go of my guard. Cravings that won't let me go to sleep and if finally i'm able to are reawakening me in the middle of the night, leaving me breathless and sweating.
When all this time did so few and that little progress i made was denied so easily why should i still think i could overcome this at last? Where are all those 'feel-good-feelings' everyone states after longer periods of abstaining? Where are such mythical things like spontaneous erections or long lasting morning erections? Or the desire to connect with other people?
Why does it seem that all this struggling is nothing but a constant waste of time and effort?
It's making me mad, if i haven't already gotten so during the last half year of 'rebooting'....
But still, my mood is actually not that bad as it may seem while reading this. It's never good but i'm not in the total mood of despair which would follow a relapse.
I just don't know how long i can resist these cravings any more, i think a total relapse with masturbating prone could very well be my last. Not a very pleasant thought.
Thanks to everyone who reads this, opinions are very welcome.